Ninja Stealth Mode-ON

Really, the title of this blog isn't exactly an indication of what I'm talking about. I wanted to talk about the new Ninja Blender I bought the other day. When trying to figure out a good title to this post, I honestly just felt like being cheesy and stupid. Hey! It's been a heck of a long week and it's Sunday. I'm allowed to just throw my hands up and be like "Whatevs!", right? haha

So, more on topic with less cheesiness. I bought a Ninja blender at Costco the other day! Oh my word! It's changed my life! For awhile now, I've wanted a new blender. About a year ago, I got hooked on making the kids and I smoothies. I hate veggies and so do they. So what more of a perfect way to get them, then by masking them with fruity, chilled goodness? However, that didn't last long. Why? Not because I got bored of the "trend" as my husband would call it. But because the blender that we had sucked. Not just a little sucked. Like, full blown I'm going to repeatedly bash this blender into a wall, sucked. It would always take me a good 30 minutes to get all the ingredients blended. Try ice? Oh no! No no no....did I mention NO? I gave up. Blender-1 Hannah-0 I continued to live my life veggie free. Well, as I wrote in my last blog I liked to keep my eye out for things I'm in need of. I like to sit back. Listen to friends and their reviews. All in all....just sit like a tiger in the bushes, waiting to pounce on it's prey. For awhile now, I've decided I wanted a Ninja! But there was zero chance of me convincing Theo that we needed to spend that much money for one. Especially when he continues to use that piece of crap blender we already have. Imagine my surprise when waltzing into Costco the other day (Okay, can I take a quick break here? Does anyone ever waltz into Costco? Like, seriously? No....if you are a Mom....you literally grab that extra heavy duty two seater plus size grocery cart and you book it. You have a mission and a list. "No thank you! I don't need your stupid sample, I've already bought that 10x's by now. Also...I'm on a diet.") when BOOM right there in front of my face! Behold! The Ninja blender in it's full on set of glory for the low low price of $135.00! I heard angels singing. I stopped in my tracks. I had a friend with me and she was talking to me. No clue what she was saying! I near caused a 10 cart pile up due to my swerving frantic hurry to actually get to the thing to see if it was true! The set came with everything you could imagine. Anything you could possibly dream of! A food processor. The Nutri Ninja cups (3 of them)all with super easy sip lids to drink your smoothies comfortably. The actual big blender part. I mean. Just glory hallelujah! I called my husband. "Babe! They have the Ninja! We must act now! Buy buy buy! Spend money money money! Fad Fad Fad!!!" That's what my husband will tell you the phone call sounded like. Of course that's not what I actually said. His response was "We don't need to spend $135.00! You spend spend spend. More more more. I never support your one week fads." Of course that'd be what I heard. haha Of course, that's not what he said! However, forgetting the sarcasm, I asked him to research it real quick and let me know if it truly was a good price. Because after our Keurig purchase, we discovered, sometimes Costco really is unbeatable. When they bundle it all up so nicely and throw in extra things...Christmas! Pure Christmas in a box! Anyways! I continue my shopping when I receive a text once I'm to the beer isle. (coincidence, maybe?) "It appears it's a fairly good deal." (that's exact text quote) The angels sing! I picture myself, a fan blowin my hair back, while I run in slow motion back to the front of the store, the spot light on me, of course my outfit is a stunning combination of lazy mom and cool mom and I'm 4 sizes smaller, people are staring, music is playing......okay! *disc scratch* What was I saying? Oh! Yeah! He said yes! That was his way of saying yes anyways! I calmly finish my shopping and head back up to the front to get my Christmas in a box. Isn't it funny how much things change when you're an adult? Seriously! They change. If you would've given me a blender for Christmas as a child. Psht! You'd be off my list in a hot second! "A Blender? No thanks! Where's my Barbie at foo'?!?!" So, yes! I bought a Ninja! I have been so excited to sleep at night, because it means waking up to use the Blender another day! Words cannot express the excitement! I've made a Strawberry Daiquiri, 2 smoothies and a coffee drink thus far. I need to work on tweaking my recipes. But I'm more than happy to do that with my new Ninja!


NINJA OUT!

*note* I'm obviously in a very weird mood to share my inner most daydreams. Bundled with sarcasm and cheesiness. Please take full advantage of this because I'm not sure when I'll be in the mood next. Ha!

Thrifty Mom

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm a thrifty Mom but yet when I look around my house, it's pieced together by different things either gotten for free, a discounted price or Theo made by hand. We have very few things that were brand new. (And nothing brand new recently. lol ) I'm always keeping an eye out on things that we might need. For example, two years ago I was without a car. I just kept my eye out constantly! Eventually we found a car that fit our budget and what we were looking for! SOLD! I often troll Sell Buy Swap sites to see if there's anything good on there. Most times there's absolutely nothing I need on there. But, we've been needing a printer for a very long time. We've been fortunate enough to have friends who are always willing to print us off a quick page or two. Then there's always the library for 10 cents a page. We don't print that often, but more and more it's becoming an inconvenience to get things printed here or there. Well, about a month or two ago someone posted a printer for sale for $20. I just happened to log in right when she posted it! HP....near brand new. The lady said she had two but only needed one. As it goes for those websites I was skeptical but though "Hey! $20? Eh...not too bad even if I can't get it to work I could probably turn around and sell it for $10...not much of a loss." So I took the $20 plunge and bought it. I hadn't needed it until last night. It was late. I needed to have Theo print me off something before he was gone to work today. So, I brought out the printer because honestly, it was just far too late to call on a neighbor to see if I could get a quick page. haha So, I turned it on. "Ooo Fancy touch screen!" I told Theo to look up the model and see if he could download the software on the laptop while I tried to get the printer to connect through wifi. The printer not only connected to wifi without a hitch, but it also did an update! The whole time I was nervous something would happen or it would say error but it never did! Then, after the software was downloaded on laptop I start hearing that beautiful printer sound. It was done in a flash! Not only did the lady leave ink in there, but it was color ink too! I wanted Theo to print in gray scale that way we saved ink....but he forgot. The page was beautiful. It printed super quiet, fast and efficient. I was astounded! What a score! I mean, seriously. SCORE! Then I realized, it's not just a printer. It's a scanner too!!!!! And I can print out pictures. I mean...this little baby is gonna change our world! And all for a thrifty $20! Printers really aren't all that expensive...but I still got my at an extremely discounted rate and it works like new! I'm a boss! A thrifty Missy Boss! Oh yeah! After that page came out all beautiful and shiny, you could just cue double doors swinging open, a fan blowing my hair back and rock and roll music playing. Yeah, that's right! I imagine myself in movie scenes! Boo-Yah! Huge sense of accomplishment!

Sunglasses

There are days,
Days when getting out of bed are hard
When the simplest things seem like they should be as hard as climbing Mount Everest.
Moments when you realize those tears you've been fighting for weeks
just won't hold in any more.
Days when all that's playing in your head,
is a reel of "Dear God, please help me make it through this day and
help these tears stop flowing."
You realize you're a Mom.
Your children need you.
They literally need you to survive.
Even though you feel like you can't survive,
You're forced to survive.
So, you take a deep breath
Breathe slowly
Bite your lip
And put those sunglasses on.
Because when you're at your weakest
And life still needs to be lived
they shade the pain.
Sunglasses make you brave
They make you fight
Sunglasses.......

Funny, Sweet or Hurtful?

So I saw this thing on Facebook! I decided to ask each boy (separately) and see what they came up with. It's always interesting to hear what they think of me! Either it'll be Funny, Sweet or Hurtful....right? lol


Isaiah Brent Age 5
1. What is something your mom always says to you? Don't push your brother
2. What makes mom happy? Doing the right thing
3. What makes mom sad? Doing the wrong thing
4. How does your mom make you laugh? By doing funny stuff like tickling us!
5. What was your mom like as a child? Mmm...being a baby?
6. How old is your mom? Big
7. How tall is your mom? Big Tall
8. What is her favorite thing to do? Do fun stuff like going to her friends house.
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? Do her own things like going to her friends house
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? Uhm....probably get money?
11. What is your mom really good at? Making food
12. What is your mom not very good at? At Climbing
13. What does your mom do for a job? Hmm...Probably go on the computer.
14.What is your mom's favorite food? All kinds of foods
15.What makes you proud of your mom? Working
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? Super Woman
17. What do you and your mom do together? Go places
18. How are you and your mom the same? Because we're both older
19. How are you and your mom different? Because Momma is a girl and I'm a boy
20. How do you know your mom loves you? Because when I'm doing work you tell me.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? Working
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? All places
23. how old was your mom when u were born? Uhm...I dunno


Collin Henry Age 3 1/2
1. What is something your mom always says to you? Be quiet (BWAHahahahahahha!!!!!)
2. What makes mom happy? Cleaning up our room
3. What makes mom sad? By doing bad tuff (stuff)
4. How does your mom make you laugh? Uh...I don't know...how you make me laugh?
5. What was your mom like as a child? Uhm...obeying the rules
6. How old is your mom? 2
7. How tall is your mom? Big
8. What is her favorite thing to do? Uhm....I don't know. Tell me!
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? Uhm....I don't know
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? -blank-
11. What is your mom really good at? Cleaning up the mess
12. What is your mom not very good at? Not cleaning up
13. What does your mom do for a job? Clean up her mess (Uhm...whaaaaa?!"
14.What is your mom's favorite food? Bagetti "spaghetti"
15.What makes you proud of your mom? I can't think
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? A guy
17. What do you and your mom do together? go outside
18. How are you and your mom the same? We have curly hair
19. How are you and your mom different? We're both different
20. How do you know your mom loves you? Because she uhm...I love you
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? Loving him
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Play places
23. how old was your mom when u were born? Very small


Well that was an eye opener! LOL

No one tells you.....

So, I've been wanting to blog this for awhile, but hadn't had the time. I wanted to blog an update on my health journey. I'm fast approaching the 50lbs lost. I'm disappointed I haven't exactly reached it yet. But I am making progress. It's just slower than I'd like. However, despite my weight number (at least it's decreasing, right?)I've noticed huge improvements in my lifestyle in general. Overall my physical health has grown leaps and bounds. I can tolerate more exercise and weights are going up and up. I've also stopped my Prosac! It's been a little over a month now and I feel pretty good. Prosac had a lot of side affects. For example I sweat SO bad. More than I ever have in my life. I also would have random dizzy spells. It also decreased my appetite. (something I actually didn't need) But I took it because after much contemplation and prayer, we decided I had to have it. My mood swings have greatly improved. I'm sure more consistent sunshine helps with that too. I've also been eating better. Sure there was a month that I ate like crap almost the whole month. Why? Because we were sick for at least 2 of those weeks and I barely had energy to do anything else. I've also noticed a huge change in my mental thinking. I still beat myself up quite a bit. (does that ever go away?) But! I've been more accepting of myself. Oh yeah! Sure! I ate like crap for a month. That's okay! The next month I'll do better and try every single day! Period. No continuing to beat myself up over failures. I've also learned to pace myself a lot better! Pacing has always been a huge issue for me. My first workout I'd put 1,000 percent in. Then be out for 2 weeks because I over did it. If I'm not feeling my best, I now weigh the pros and cons of going to the gym and if I go to the gym, I learn to adjust and not push myself over the edge. It's been awesome! In general, I'm feeling fantastic!


I did want to mention one thing I did not predict from this journey. The loneliness! I miss my friends. I'm never on Facebook any more. I never get to respond to emails/messages like I used to. I rarely get to actually just chill with someone! I don't really have a consistent gym buddy. It's sad. I feel constantly lonely. Having a husband always gone doesn't help either. Also hearing about what people are doing without you. Doesn't help. When you jump on the wagon to health, your're priorities change. Yeah, sure I'm home almost every afternoon. But because I'm gone at the gym all morning, I have things like laundry, dishes and house chores to catch up on. Then it's dinner time. Then gotta get the kids ready for bed and into bed. I know this is the journey God wants for me and my family. But no one tells you how lonely you'll feel. I'm a VERY social person. Always have been. Didn't expect this. I'm learning to deal with it. But it's quite hard sometimes. :-/ Gotta stay strong!

The Big 5!!!!!!!

Well Folks! It's happened! I now have a 5 year old! How it happened, I'm not quite sure! It's amazing to me how quickly 5 years has flown by! Isaiah is amazing me every single day! He's so strong, independent and the boy constantly amazes me with his enormous heart! He is a lot like his Momma! He thinks of everyone's needs. You can see he really processes and thinks about people and how they might be feeling. If he can alleviate that in any way, he will try his absolute hardest. He's also so smart! A lot like his Daddy in that sense! He's a very technical thinker. Makes me wonder what he'll do when he grows up! He's still very much a Daddy's boy! But he does love and is very protective over his Momma. If I'm good, he's good. If I'm bad, he works his absolute hardest to make it better for me in any way! I love his kind heart and I really hope that God continues to teach me how to allow that to grow and become so much more wonderful! Isaiah Brent is a huge blessing to me and our family! I can't believe he's 5! Happy Birthday Buggy-Boo! We love you!!!!!!


So, for the first time, I actually asked Isaiah the questions instead of just writing down what I know! So....here we go....*drumroll*

Name: Isaiah Brent Scheungrab
Age: 5
Height: 3ft 10inches
Weight: 60lbs
Nickname: Dubs, Buggy-Boo, Brother, Buddy and Dubby-Doos
Favorite Color: Red and Blue and Yellow and Green
Favorite Food: Mac and Cheese
Favorite Drink: Milk
Favorite Toy: Ninja Turtle toy that Ms Ashley bought for his birthday
Favorite Family Member: Daddy ("Cause he works at the Coast Guard!")
Best Friend: Kennedy, Kassady and Alexander
What To Do When Grown Up: Go in the Coast Guard like Daddy!
Favorite Place to Go: Open Gym at the local Gymnastics place
Inside or Outside: "Well, sometimes outside. But sometimes I like to go inside."
Favorite Thing to Do with Family: Go places and go out to dinner
Favorite Sport to Play: Soccer
Favorite Activity Class to Take: Sports Class
Favorite School Subject: Cut Paper
Favorite Season: Winter, "because I like playing in the snow."
Favorite Book: My Bible (childrens)
Favorite Movie: Batman, Spiderman and Ninja Turtles
Favorite TV Show: Tom and Jerry
Favorite Thing to do with Collin: Go outside and play (playing bad guy and good guy)
Favorite Thing to do with Daddy: Go to his work
Favorite Thing to do with Momma: Go places
Accomplishments This Past Year: Swim without life jacket and dive for rings, ride a bike with training wheels

May is the Month

So recently I was invited to participate in this thing called Whole30! I decided against it because I could tell it wouldn't go well with our busy schedules. Basically it seemed to be the concept that you only eat veggies, fruits and meat. Thats it. No sugar no carbs. It just didn't seem appealing to me especially with kids. I mean, seriously...can you picture my kids going for green beans and chicken breast? LOL Anyways, it got me thinking about how my eating has been outta whack. I'm over making myself feel bad for it. It is what it is. Could I have made better decisions? Yes! Of course! But I can't change it. All I can do is look forward! I've got the active part of my lifestyle pretty down pat right now. Which I'm excited about. I've been trying to eat frequently. Which has been a challenge for me. So that's definitely helped. But I'm not where I wanna be! So! I thought, instead of doing Whole30 in the month of May, I'm going to do my own version! I've decided starting May 1st-May 31st I will not be eating any McDonald's or KC's. (a local ice cream place in walking distance to our house...yeah...it's a problem. LOL) I may try and eliminate a few other things too. But right now, those are the two that I frequent most often. I'm not trying to diet. I don't think diets are healthy. But I feel with taking McD and KC's away, it'll force me to make healthier food choices. So, here's a blog post telling the world...I will be taping myself and possibly weighing myself April 30th and June 1st. I want to see what difference it makes. Hopefully April 30th I will be able to blog my results and my fears/excitement of starting May! I will also be praying and thinking about anything else God's leading me to give up for a month. So, stay tuned! :-)

It's 2015

Like, what? Did I just write that? 2015? Already? This year seriously flew by! In all honesty, at the beginning of every new year I probably say "I can't believe it went by so fast!" But seriously! Every year seems to fly by quicker and quicker. That's probably because I'm busy. ALL.THE.TIME! Just when I think "Oh! We'll settle down here in a bit." Life seems to get even more hectic! My children! They've grown so much in the past year! I'd honestly have to say that I've grown with them. It's funny how life does that! You grow into an adult and you think "Well, that's it! I'm officially an adult!" Then your children come along and you're all "OHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO?!?!" The mental process behind raising a child is INCREDIBLE! I never knew my brain could work in so many different ways! Haha! Plus, let's be honest, keeping up with TWO boys under the age of 5 that are 17 months apart is nothing but a mere challenge. Especially for me. I've always had the God given talent to adapt to just about any child. But to truly understand MALES....well....let's just say that will probably just be left in the dust. I mean....the obsessive need to pass gas, touch their body parts, dig in their butts, pick boogers, eat them, make messes out of things you had NO idea could be....it all just astounds me! Imagine my surprise one day when I told Isaiah to quit doing some nasty habit and his response was "Daddy does it." Ugh! I'm utterly defeated. I'm surrounded by testosterone! Just when I think I've had enough, one of them ropes me back in with their quiet protective "let me check on Momma!" moods. It's a conspiracy I swear! Some days it's (some parents won't admit this) utter TORTURE to raise two boys! And sometimes it gets to feeling very lonely. But as life goes on, I wouldn't trade it for the world. The sweet moments are rare. I'm finding more and more that I'm living life with much more humor than I ever thought I had! More and more I'm learning to just not even bother yelling and shouting when Collin is hanging from one foot from the top bunk. It really takes a lot to scare me these days! For example, right as I'm writing this, Collin is currently screaming bloody murder. Limping in here on one leg acting like he's dying. I haven't flinched. Barely moved a muscle. Continued to type on the computer like nothing was wrong. Why? Some might say "It's because she's a lazy irresponsible mother." Those who know me....and better yet know Collin, will say "It's because he does this ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time!" And when I say "ALLLLLLLLLLL" I mean it! It's not an exaggeration. Guess what? By the time I'm done typing this, he's no longer crying and is back there laughing and goofing off as usual. hahaha! Anyways, it's time for me to rally up the troops and figure out what's to eat for dinner. They are incessantly hungry. So here's to a new year! A new year of me chasing around the little people that Theo and I created together! A new year for Theo and I to learn more about each other and grow deeper in love! A new year to continually learn lessons God's set up for us to learn! A new year to grow as a family! Cheers 2014! You were exhausting! Bring on 2015! ;-)

Baby Days.....

So as I was showering this morning a thought occurred to me. So I thought I should blog about it if I had time today! And guess what? I do! Hooray!


What was the thought? It was that my very youngest baby is no longer a baby! We are officially done. He used his last pull up (he's been potty trained but we had one last open box of pull ups, so we've been using them at night) 2 nights ago and this morning it occurred to me that without watching Harper, I don't even have a reason to have wipes. Both of my children are fully potty trained and can wash their own hands with soap and water now. They can pretty much brush their teeth as well. They've long since stopped using baby wash and baby detergent on their clothes. The only "baby" thing left is their Nuggies (their soothing blankets). That's IT! I'm crushed! I'm sure I'll have to carry in my purse some small pack of wipes just in case...but that's it! No need to buy Costco bulk diapers or wipes any more. How heartbreaking. No more binkys, bottles or sippy cups. No more cutting food up for them. My two boys are completely self sufficient. Well, I do still have to pick out Collin's clothes still, but he can dress himself now. (except sometimes there's a backwards underwear or shoes on the wrong feet) But they don't need me as much as they did! I am now transitioning to the "Soccer Mom". It's now time for their activities. For me to drive them here and there and teach them formal education and make sure their social and needs are being met. I mean...really? When did that happen? I want my babies back! I was Collin, binky in mouth and nuggies in tow, to sneak into my bed wanting "nuggles". I want Isaiah to climb up in my lap and slobber all over me and give me "lubs". I miss that! As everything goes, there's pros and cons to everything. And since I just listed all the cons...haha...I decided I'd list some of the pros. NO MORE STINKY DIAPERS!!!!!!!! I know several moms who are probably pretty jealous of me right now. haha! I mean.....it's been almost 5 years (can you believe I'll have a 5 year old at the end of March?!?!) and to finally not have the lingering smell of poop running around....pretty freaking sweet man! I actually do have more time to myself right now. I'm not having to wake up for feedings. I can sleep in. They can dress themselves and brush their teeth. I mean...that's pretty awesome! But I still find myself with sadness. My life has been a certain way for 5 years now. And to just stop? I feel almost without an identity. It sounds dramatic but I feel kinda striped raw. Like, what now? Obviously, they still need me. I mean, they're FAR from being able to drive themselves places or stay at home alone. But it does leave me feeling empty. I never expected to be in this stage of life at this point. I expected to be in this phase for at least 10 years! lol Knock all my babies out at once and then we be done all at once. But God does have a plan for me. I don't know what it is, but I do feel a bit empty. Eventually I will become more peaceful. I am definitely enjoying some of the freedom. I'm definitely excited about a future with these two boys! They give me such life and purpose! Collin for sure, keeps me on my toes. But, for now....good bye wipes and diapers. Good bye good smelling baby wash and detergent. I will most certainly always miss you. And every time I see or smell anything baby related nostalgia will fill me! But for now.....good bye......

Victorious

So, as I've been saying in previous blogs, I've been working on myself. Like, a lot! More than I've ever focused on myself before! One very important thing I've learned through all this hard work, is to celebrate my victories! Before, I always seemed to find some way to bring myself down. To say it wasn't good enough. Or find some excuse to lessen the greatness of a victory! So with the encouragement of my counselor and Theo, I started to just tell myself "It's a victory! Celebrate it!" It didn't matter how big or how small. It deserves celebration! It doesn't matter if no one else will care! Celebrate! Acknowledge the fact that it was a leap for myself and a successful one! And even when I fall, don't beat myself up over it! At first it was very, VERY, difficult! I would acknowledge the victory but secretly in the back of my mind, tear it down. Gradually, it became easier and easier! Gradually I learned to celebrate loading and unloading the dishwasher! Sounds stupid! But all year I've struggled with keeping up with dishes. Mostly due to my lack of energy. But when I finally did do the dishes, I allowed myself to be so happy over it! Almost every day now, I find something to celebrate myself about! Whether it's big or small. Doesn't make a difference! God's put a major change in my heart and it's soooo much for the better. I can't believe I lived so long beating myself up like I was. Well, I might have been living but it was a very unhealthy life. Inward and outward! So thank you God, for allowing the help of others to help me push through my selfishness. To realize that the works YOU do in me are good! They are to be celebrated! I am victorious in HIM! Glory!

Collin Henry is 3!

Well, it's finally happened! My baby turned 3! I always struggle around his birthday because the majority of his life I haven't been able to enjoy because of one medical issue after another! Hopefully from here on out though, I'll be able to enjoy every last second! :-)

Name: Collin Henry Scheungrab
Birth: September 8th
Nicknames: Schmootzie Poo, Poo, Poo-Pants, Schmootz, Ceebs, C, Collin Hengry
Height: Mom is lame and can't remember!
Weight: Finally reached the 30's! 32lbs!
Allergies: Still Egg, Wheat, Milk and Nuts. (also staying strong on the gluten free diet)
Favorite Food: Hot dogs
Favorite Drink: Rice Milk
Favorite Snack: Fruit Snacks or Apples
Interests: Animals (we think, he thinks he's one) and babies
Favorite Person: Momma (very much still a Momma's boy...though Daddy is becoming a close one!)
Best Friends: Brother, SamMal and Gage
Favorite Toys: Very much into stuffed animals (Mickey, Minnie Mouse and Goofy are the ultimate fav stuffed animals) and anything Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Achievements: Can sing ABC's correctly by himself, can count to 10 correctly and getting better at tracing!
Potty Trained? YES! Thanks to Grummy! Night time and day time trained! Jake underwear are his favorites! ;-)
Righty or Lefty? Strong Lefty!



Collin Henry is definitely our most active child. He keeps us on our toes and challenges us on a daily basis! You can pretty much always count on him to either make you laugh or to come up with some injury of some sort! Clumsy as anything! Absolutely zero fear! Theo and I honestly can't imagine our lives without him! From day one he's kept us on our toes and growing our hearts bigger and bigger. Happy 3rd Birthday Ceebs! Mommy and Daddy love you so much! And Brother too! :-)

1 Year Remission-Anniversary: The Evolution of Hannah

Well, my actual date has come and gone. I really wanted to write this on the day but honestly, life is just too busy! I can't believe 1 year has come and gone! In some ways it flew by, in others it really did seem to drag on for eternity! I had so much envisioned for my one year mark. Honestly, most of what I had planned was physical. As is typical for me, I never thought about deeper than that. I just wanted to loose weight to be accepted and for people to stop talking behind my back. I wanted to loose weight so that Theo and I could finally FINALLY start trying to have a baby. All the reasons I wanted to be in a very different place physically, was for all the wrong reasons. It seems silly now, honestly. Typical Hannah went on smiling and being there for everyone but herself. I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Then again, I never really have been able to accept what I see staring back at me. I've never been a fan of myself. All I've ever done is try and live my life to please others. God, my parents, my husband, my siblings, my friends, my best friends....I've always cared more about anyone else (even perfect strangers) than I cared for myself. Heather and Ruth have always seen me for who I am! Along the way I've made extremely close friends who saw the same things Heather and Ruth saw. (you all know who you are!) In all fairness, Theo has been the one to break through more of that than anyone else. I've always felt loved and accepted by him. It can't be easy for the poor man! All many people have ever wanted me to do, is for me to see myself as they see me. I just had zero desire or motivation to see myself. I think a lot of it stemmed from my weight. I mean, it's pretty easy to hate yourself when you're fat. I've always been ashamed of my body. From the time I was skinny, young and good looking, til now, overweight, out of shape and aged. I don't know why I never felt comfortable. I think it was because I never had anyone seem to accept what I was. I would frequently be around many people who would compliment everyone else around me, but me! Since I had the strong desire to please people, I always cared more about doing what was right and in general being a "good person". "Hannah do this, Hannah do that..." frequent phrases I remember hearing. I'm not trying to make it sound like I was a saint! I mean, for goodness sakes! I'm a human being who sins! Period! But, I've always had a lack of self esteem. Ever since I can remember. Anyways, over this past year I've changed. I went down to the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I felt like I was in a deep hole and I couldn't figure a way out. The obvious answer for a Christian would be "lean on God." But I kept leaning and felt like all I was doing was going deeper and deeper in a hole I couldn't get out of. My life was falling apart. I experienced downs in my marriage, my personal life, motherhood...it was just all around bad. The tears...oh goodness! Even my first pregnancy I don't think I cried THIS much! Haha! Hopeless. Hopeless is what I felt. I knew the correct answer was to lean on God but I just couldn't seem to do it! I'd gone all last year (almost loosing my life) fighting cancer and all the while NEVER doubting my love for God or HIS plan for me! How in the world is that possible?! How could I go through something so traumatic and seriously never really have an issue with it. To this day, I will tell you, I never doubted God's plan for a minute. I was content to live the life HE'd created for me alone! I almost felt special because I KNEW without a doubt that God was in control and whether that was to live or die, I was at peace! So why, when I got home was it so difficult to settle back into "life". Well, one major reason. I was NOT the same! Physically, Mentally or Emotionally. My body has been poisoned by chemo. And before that? Brought down to it lowest physical point, to near death. So my mental state wasn't great mostly due to all the trauma my body had withstood over the past year. So I struggled very much with every day things. Hormones were completely out of whack. For awhile there headaches were regular. Appetite still came and went. All the while having to raise two boys and be a wife, with very low energy. Honestly, even to this day, I sleep a lot! I used to be able to get up early and go to bed late and be perfectly fine. Now? I'm NO good if I don't get at LEAST 8hrs of sleep! It's rough! My body took a huge hit! So in addition to fighting things that were seriously chemically off balance, I had to learn how to live life again. It's strange. You would think taking a "break" from life would make you ready to go back to it right away. But I can see now it was too much too soon! Of course I survived. But things could've gone so much better if I'd just rested a bit more. But it is what it is! Plain and simple! Learn to function like a normal adult was hard. So I developed depression. Which of course was not at all helped by this past rough winter we had. Plus I had no car. Which made it a bit harder on me. My Memaw passed away in early spring and that was honestly the last straw for me. I went to a very....VERY dark place. It just wasn't good. All the while, I was trashing my body. I would either not eat at all (most common) or I would binge eat crap. It was so horrible. I was screaming at my children all the while pretending everything was good. I was not in a good place with Theo. To be truthful, I don't even know exactly how bad off we were because I was crazy! Legit crazy! I started to have LOTS of fits of anger. I was angry at God. I was embarrassed and guilty for being angry but I was angry none the less. I've never been an angry person. But all of a sudden I was angry at any and everything. It became VERY clear that I needed some help! So, with the encouragement of Theo, I started counseling. It was hard at first because honestly, I didn't know what to say any more. I had completely shut down. My counselor now laughs about the ora I had when she first met me. She said it was awful! She said as soon as she stepped in the room to meet me it automatically felt gray, cloudy, depressing and hopeless. Yup! Just about everything I felt. haha! I stayed pretty diligent at counseling because all the while I KNEW I wasn't thinking correctly. I KNEW something was wrong and that I wanted to change. I KNEW I couldn't live like this forever. And praise God for an encouraging husband. Because if he'd been against counseling, I can't imagine where we'd be today! Slowly I started to learn that A) I had some chemical imbalance and medicine was definitely required and B) Even as crazy as I was, there was deep rooted issues that I needed to address. So, I started some medication and slowly things started to get better. I was more able to calm down (not be so angry) and rationally think about things. I've never been good with words. I mean, just read back in this...how much rambling have I done? LOL But, slowly I learned that was a part I hated about myself. I hated that I couldn't speak eloquently, I hated that I don't feel intelligent, I hate that I'm not quick witted or quick in general. I hated that I was fat. That I needed medication to live my life some what normal. That I had to be in counseling. That my life turned out to be nothing like I wanted it to be. Slowly my resentment towards God started to fade. Slowly my resentment towards people who have "wronged me" in the past, started to not matter so much. I started counseling in April and here I am now, 3 sessions out from being done for good! I can't believe that I'm not even panicking over it! I'm ready! The developments that have taken place is indescribable, really. The growth I've seen in myself. The fact that I can post "unflattering" pictures of myself on Facebook and NOT CARE! I do not care at all what someone might think. The only two people I give a flying hoot about are God and Theo! Period! I am still taking medication and we are no where close to talking about having another baby (we were supposed to talk about it at the year mark. I've put on 50lbs at least this year. And am I ashamed? No! Of course I'm not proud! I don't want to brag about it! But I refuse to feel guilty any more for what other people may think! I am SO proud of myself right now for even saying that! I've very much learned that it really does take baby steps to grow. And sometimes those baby steps may feel like they're on a sand dune and you feel like you're sliding down, but I assure you, keep one foot in front of the other and you WILL get to the top! I am now completely okay with my mistakes. They are mistakes just like anyone has made! They have been learning lessons for me! God is using my life to teach me so much about myself and I love it! I feel so much more secure in my faith now! I feel more secure in my marriage. I feel more secure in myself. I can look in the mirror right now and say "Hey girl! I kinda like you! I have goals and things I want to get better at...but that's okay! You keep on keepin on!" I feel SO happy for the first time in my entire life. Of course it'd be AWESOME if others acknowledged that (and some do!)but for the first time in my life? I'm okay with just pleasing myself and God! God made me who I am! All bumps along the way? Those were to make me what HE wants me to be! They were a teaching tool for myself. And maybe eventually? I can encourage someone else! This road hasn't at all been easy, but I'm much stronger now. I'm okay with not having a baby. It doesn't define me. What God chooses for my life, defines me and I'm at such peace with that! I'm also very very thankful for the positive encouraging people God has put in my life. Theo being the main one! I can't believe that God made someone SO perfect for me. Someone who knows my faults and still very much loves me! Someone I can lean on and who can help carry my burdens. It's so much of a blessing! The other encouraging people, you all know who you are! I appreciate each and every one of you! Without your positivity and encouragement, I'm not sure I would've gotten this far! So it is with blurry eyes that I wrap up this blog. I'm not where I thought I'd be at my year mark. I'm so much further along than I could ever predict! :-) Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me! ;-)

1 Year Chemo Anniversary!

I can't believe it's here! Honestly, I'm not sure how in the world I made it? The obvious answer would be God. Because seriously, without HIM I wouldn't be here. He obviously had plans for me. And lemme tell you what, they weren't any kind of plans I intended on having. This year has been....well...a handful! It's been harder than last year! No one ever tells you that life AFTER chemo is the hardest part! I can't even explain in words everything that has gone on with me this past year! I've definitely had more downs than ups! I've always relied heavily on God to carry me through but this year that was seriously put to the test. I didn't know my faith could waiver so much! I didn't know my faith in HIM as so conditional! Which is so very sad! HE has always been faithful to me even in the "bad times". I've always praised HIM in the storm because I knew at least he was trying me. HE doesn't love me if HE doesn't try me! But this year, I'm sad to report that my faith wavered much and I was very angry. Not just at God, but at everyone and everything! I fought daily with bitterness and anger. I was taking it out on my children and my marriage. I stopped talking to a LOT of people! I became a lot less social! Which, for anyone who knows me knows that's HUGE! I did confide in a few select people, but even friends who I considered "close" don't know everything I've been through this year. And honestly, am still going through. I couldn't believe how much I let anger consume me! That is a dangerous feeling! I really don't consider myself an angry person. Have I been angry over certain things? Well sure! Who hasn't? But in general I just kinda go with the flow and find the positive side to it all! Not this year! It was very hard for me to be thankful for anything! Not that I found myself thinking of killing myself (please don't mistake that!) but I found myself asking why I was even here? What's the point? Would people be better off without me? I was so angry and damaging my children and my marriage was definitely being put to the test. It had become all about me and how to make me feel better. I actually became a bit manic in my behaviors! One day I was really high up and the next day I'd be so low! It became impossible to live life. All along in my head I knew the way I was acting wasn't okay. I knew it needed to be fixed but at one point I got so low and lost I didn't know HOW! HOW do I fix this?! Where do I start? Sadly my first option was not to get on my knees. It should've been! But I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't provoke me to more anger. Different people would give advice but honestly, the only things that stuck (even if they made me feel worse about myself) were the things that were either Biblically based or scripture. As hard as I tried, those things wouldn't stop nagging me. Finally I got into counseling. It's not something I make publicly known. I believe I blogged about it previously. But it's a step I took in order to get my head above water. OH! Of course while all this mental struggle was going on I'm sure you can imagine how my body handled all that. With each increasing day my body physical took beat downs. The trash I ate, the sometimes laziness (not being able to move off the couch)....I mean...the toll on my body physically was definitely taking a HUGE hit! So in addition to struggling mentally my physical body was taking it hard too! So I made the step to start counseling. Through counseling I was able to feel like I could breathe again. That I could tackle each individual problem. Obviously since I was recovering my chemo, my body wasn't back to "normal" So all the while I'm trying to mentally fight and left and right there would be all kinds of problems. Of course the stress and depression didn't help. But a body can't heal from poison, like that! So once I started counseling things did start looking up. I learned to embrace my faults (not all) more! To be encouraged by them because it assures me that A)I'm alive and B)I'm not perfect. But God is in me and HE is perfect and HIS plan for me is perfect! I just can't believe everything I've been through this year. I can honestly say I've never worked harder on my mental state of mind, in my entire life! Hahaha! Of course with that comes spiritual healing! I have to say there's one friend who's stood out to me this entire time without knowing all the details. Of course there have been many BUT Arielle Gonzalez! Never did she fail to bring it back to scripture! And every turn! She always made me feel encouraged because she wouldn't judge or minimize my emotions/feelings but was always empathetic and encouraging in all the right ways! Frequently quoting scripture and reminding me that God is Wonderful, Powerful and Mighty! And HE can and will help me through! I thank you Arielle because even though we've never met in person I am so encouraged and blessed to have you as a friend! Like I said, there were of course many others who have helped me on this journey...and are still helping me through in all the right ways. So thank you to all of you! You all know who you are! <3 So now that this blog is done, I will soon be heading over to Megan's house for a celebratory Anniversary dinner! She is making healthy homemade Chinese (because I've been craving it) and we're going to celebrate a year of being chemo free! We weren't friends back when I went through chemo so I feel incredibly blessed to have her making such efforts to encourage me on my journey! <3

Our Official First Week of Homeschool.....

I can't believe it's come and gone already! It was a last minute decision to start school on Monday. (August 18, 2014) The week prior I was arranging my schedule...thinking about things and how busy September is going to be. It occurred to me that rather than start October 1st (because September is going to be INSANE), I should just start a couple of weeks early. Get in a few good solid weeks and then I won't feel so bad when we break. Not that it's honestly that big of a deal either way, but I would feel better. So the road to Kindgerarten officially started Monday, August 18, 2014. Both boys were very excited. They had each picked out a "School Box" and certain supplies so they've been eager to use them. Their "School Boxes" contained a brand new box of "Big" crayons, 2 big pencils, one regular #2 pencil with a grip to learn how to properly hold a pencil (for righties and lefties cause I have one of each. lol), a shiny new pair of scissors and a jumbo glue stick. The first day consisted of basically "testing" to see where the kids were at. They really did surprise me in some areas. Seriously, I'm not saying it because they're my children, but they are really smart. Even Collin, who more often than not, has his head up in the clouds. lol Once the initial first day was over we then began working on the areas that needed improvement. For Collin right now, main thing is learning colors. For Isaiah, it's identifying numbers (he can count...just doesn't know what numbers look like) and counting without stopping, to 20! Other things we're working on are writing/learning their names. What they look like, how to spell etc. Our general schooling format goes as such:


1) Get "School Boxes" and set them in their spots at the table
2) Meet in living room
3) Recite/Memorize Bible verse that is on the back of the front door
4) Stretch and do morning warm up routine
5) Go to kitchen table
6) Pray for the day
7) Go through Mickey Mouse Number Flashcards, sometimes play a game with them.
8) Go through Alphabet Flashcards, sometimes play a game.
9) Go through Colors/Shapes Flashcards
10) Draw the letter "I" (for Isaiah) and the letter "C" (for Collin) Talk about capital letters and little letters.
11) Isaiah-Does 2 mazes in his Maze book for critical thinking
12) Collin-Colors a picture by identifying what colors Momma says to use
13) Isaiah-Colors a picture and practices coloring inside the lines


And that's about it! Simple but they learn SO much! Sometimes they're focus isn't where it should be so we do less. Sometimes we do more. But that's the basic structure of our school day! And it barely takes an hour! We also have PLENTY of library books checked out along with Lit Kits! All for learning! I love homeschooling and I'm so grateful to God that HE allowed me to A) Stay at home with them and B) Teach them! It may get harder as they get older, but for now, I'm totally satisfied and grateful! Happy School Year Friends! :-)

Talks with Isaiah Brent....

I can't believe how big and smart my baby boy has gotten! He's only 4 but he's definitely not a toddler any more. He is a walking, talking active boy! Full on boy! The things he picks up on and knows amaze me on a regular basis. He's just like his Momma and feels the need to talk 24/7. He has to know ALL social outings and the ins and outs of every single thing. It's incredible. Now I know how my Mom felt. haha! The other day I was reviewing my days Timehop. 3 years ago I was pregnant with Collin so just about all my posts 3 years ago were about that. He was sitting next to me and I showed him the picture of me 38 weeks pregnant with Collin. Here is the conversation that followed.


Me-Look! Hahaha Look at that belly!
Isaiah-*laughs* Wow! That's really big! Is that me?
Me-No, that's Collin.
Isaiah-Oh! Momma?
Me-Yeah?
Isaiah-I really wish you could have a new baby in your tummy. Cause I'd really like one. Can you have a new baby?
Me-*sigh* I wish buddy. Maybe some day.....
Isaiah-Yeah...that would be really nice.


As much as this conversation made me sad it also made me realize that I'm not alone. Our family desires another baby. Theo does, Isaiah does and maybe not exactly Collin since most of the time he spends his time with his head in the clouds...hahaha...but I'm not alone. We all want it. I think it would be great for our family. But there's so much to do before we can get to that point. So as much as this conversation made me sad, it also made me realize that I have to keep my chin up and keep fighting. Keep struggling and taking baby steps. Because not only do I need it...but my little family needs it. One day, maybe we'll be there. But for now, just gotta keep my chin up and keep working hard!

After 5 years....

So, it's been awhile since I've popped popcorn and Theo and I have settled in to watching a movie or show. But last night I was 100% in snack mode and I've barely been eating as it is....so I decided...what the heck! Why not? So here is the beginning conversation that happened between Theo and I.


Me-Hey! I think I'm gonna pop some popcorn....you want any?
Theo-Me? Nah....I'm good.
Me-Ya sure? Cause I know once I pop some you're going to want some.
Theo-Yeah....not tonight.
Me-Mmm....okay....

As I walk into the kitchen to make it I know full well he can't resist popcorn. I know he THINKS he doesn't want any and can resist it...but I know him. I was chuckling to myself because I knew he was going to have some. So I'm standing there trying to decide...."Okay! He said no...but he's going to have some for sure...but I wonder how much? Should I make two bags? Or one? I think one will probably be okay cause since he didn't ask for it...he probably won't eat that much...so I'll just do one." This is the exact conversation I have in my head while I'm popping popcorn. I was pretty sure one would be enough. Well, we then settle in to watching our show and sure enough he reaches for some....I of course start giggling. He then drops what he reached for and pretends like he wasn't ever going to have any. We both start laughing. After I kiss him I then say....


Me-I love you! I knew you were going to have some!
Theo-Yeah...I know...*laughing*
Me-After all these years I KNEW there was no way I was going to have popcorn and you weren't going to have any at all! But the thing was...I didn't know how much you were going to eat!
Theo-That's the thing...you don't know! Am I gonna eat one handful? Am I gonna eat one kernel. I mean...who knows? Maybe even 10 handfuls!
Me-*dying of laughter* I mean...we just don't know....one bag? Two bags! Who knows? *laughs*


To everyone else...this might seem silly....but to me, these are the things that make our marriage work. Our love stay strong. Our compatibility so strong. I love when he makes me laugh! We've been married 5 years now and I still don't know every little thing about him. For example while he was cleaning our flooded basement, I made him a hearty sandwich. Took my time, added all the stuff he loves but I hate. Like lettuce and tomato. He hated it. Why? Because I spread the Dijon mustard out on bread...and according to him mustard should be a messy circle blog and squeeze the bread together...NEVER spread! haha And he hates american cheese. Which I actually knew but got caught up in the moment and forgot. It made me feel so bad because I was just trying to treat him to a nice sandwich while he slaved away in the basement. Haha He was of course just happy I made him anything at all. haha But after last night, I have no doubt that even if I don't know everything about him...I sure do know some things and I'm so happy to know those things about him. Even the flaws. I love him and I can't wait to discover more things about him that will later make us giggle like middle school crushes! :-) Here's to way more than 5 more years down the road! :-)

Mental Power

So over the past few months I've been working REALLY hard on my mental state. Obviously....since it has to do with the inside of my head....no one can see most of the things I've been working on. I've shared with a very select few but in all honesty, I've grown to appreciate my privacy more. I'm not going to go into all the details but I've been thinking a lot about "me" lately. More specifically my body. I have insecurities, as I'm sure everyone does. Everyone's journey is unique. Ever since I got married I have come quite a way in overcoming a few. I used to be so bad I couldn't ever take a compliment. Now I've gotten so much better at just saying "Thank you!" without taking it back in my head and talking to myself about how wrong they were. So basically I've just been thinking about my body and what God's given me. Growing up I was ashamed of my butt and boobs so I hid them under big t-shirts. I think it wasn't so much being ashamed of them, so much as just "new" to it all. haha! I wish I would've had more pride to take care of my body then. But even though I didn't, my body is still something to be proud of! Even though I want to loose weight, tighten my stomach and etc....I don't have a certain weight in mind. All I care about is being happy with my body. It's a gift that God gave me! HE also gave me a husband who appreciates my body and loves me. He doesn't like my weight but it's not because of the number. It's because I'm damaging my body with terrible food choices or not eating at all. I don't treat my body well! My Mom used to always bring up that the Bible talks about how your body is a temple. (1 Corinthians 6:19) I honestly never cared to think about what that meant. And more and more I'm learning that it is all about inside. Of course what's on the outside reflects whats on the inside, but I've been a mess inside for so long. I've been struggling to discover who I am! To appreciate who God made me to be! It's not like I'm saying I'm going on a new journey to find myself or anything. I understand I have responsibilities to my children/husband. But part of being there for them, would be to fix me. It's honestly been hard for me to do. I focus so much on my children. Of course it's more now because they're young, but I've got to fix me for them and my husband! I recently saw a video that I loved! I've actually been seeing a lot lately, about accepting the body you have! Not trying to cover up or change! I love that message! I'm going to work hard on accepting it for myself. Often I will see videos like that and think of certain friends and say "Why can't they see that we all think they're beautiful?" Then I realized that same question has probably been asked of me. Probably too many times to count. Why can't I see myself the way others see me? Of course I'm not perfect! Of course I have sin in my life. I wouldn't be human otherwise! But God loves me and gave me this body because HE thought it was best for me! I mean...I get goosebumps thinking about the fact that God thinks of me enough to even pick a specific body for me!!! Little 'ol me! I'm going to post the video I saw that I really like! It has some curse words that I'm opposed to and a few other things...but on my blog I'll post it! :-)

Post by Joey Mas.

Day Dreaming....

I find myself day dreaming quite often these days. I mean, when I think about it....isn't day dreaming a regular part of life? I guess not. Because the other day while day dreaming I realized it'd been awhile since I let my mind wonder. For awhile now I've wanted things. I've wanted to be more fit and loose a lot of weight. I've wanted to not be so depressed and hormonal. I've wanted my body to go back to the way it was when I was young and carefree. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be active with my little family. I mean....let's be honest...when do we NOT want something? Ha! It's in our sinful nature to want. But for me a lot of those things had become obsessive to the point of unhealthy. It's been very difficult for me lately. A lot of people assume because I beat Leukemia that I'm good now. And heck! I assumed that! I had NO idea my body would struggle SO hard to get back to anything remotely normal. Through so much work, I'm mentally starting to get back to a normal state. But it's very difficult when your body is struggling and holding you back. But mentally I've noticed a huge difference in my thinking! Example, the day dreaming. The other day I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a baby. Not necessarily wanting it, but just dreaming about how nice it would be. It would be nice to have a girl, but I don't know if that's in my plans. I've noticed that I seem to tolerate boys better. Obviously I would relate to a girl more easily. But after a lot of observation, I've noticed that I am a lot more relaxed when dealing with boys, than other moms. haha! So maybe it's all boys for me? Who knows! But eventually my little family will be adorable. I mean, we're already adorable! But maybe one day God will bless us! Maybe one day I can finally get my body under control. Maybe one day I won't need medicine to keep me from struggling so hard. Today may not be that day....but until then I'm going to keep chugging along. Day dreaming and just thinking about the future. Some where along the way I stopped dreaming. Hopefully this will be a new start for me.....

It's Time......

So this blog post has been a long time coming. I've been very closed about my struggles recently. Which is new for me because everyone who knows me knows, I'm quick to share personal details. haha Even things that people may consider "TMI". I'm just very open about things. And honestly, people who are around me know my struggles because I have talked about some of them....but I've kept a lot of it off social media. The main reason? Because I was really low. I didn't know up from down. I didn't know left or right. I just didn't know how to respond with everything going on. I was completely stuck. For the first time in my life, I couldn't just look at the positive and motivate myself that way. I was truly honestly 100% stuck. My life has not turned out how I predicted. Oh yeah, of course, life never goes the way you want it to. Oh yes! I do have SO much to be grateful for. And HECK YES, God has blessed me through ups AND downs. But for awhile there it was hard enough to even get out of bed. Seriously, I don't say that as an exaggeration. And yes, I know I'm extremely overweight....but it hurt to open my eyes. It hurt to realize I had a full day ahead of me and I had to survive it. I never thought the easy part of my life would be, beating cancer. Seriously?! Like.....thinking back...I was a trooper! Theo and I were talking about it last night. I remember many visits with friends or family or outings where I felt like utter crap. I was so tired, exhausted and achy. And I put a smile on my face and enjoyed the company. Because it felt good to do so. Because it felt nice to pretend to be normal. haha! I didn't honestly think of it as hard. I was grateful that I coasted through chemo treatments. Side affects that normally happen to people, didn't happen to me. What an awesome experience! I could've stood to loose some weight through it all, but the Dr's told me that my weight was actually what helped keep things so mild for me. Crazy, huh? Anyways, everyone praised me with how much I trusted God through it all and how happy I was. I was a huge testimony in the hospital because I was able to witness to so many people just by always having a smile on my face. It was a blessing! Sure there were some obstacles that were a bit hard. Like realizing that to survive for my current children, might mean not being able to have any more. And honestly, I've told many people...that's the thing that hurt THE most about cancer. I was fortunate to get a "Good Kind of Cancer" so surviving wasn't iffy for me. It was a definite thing. I was going to live. Phew! I got many questions on how I felt when they told me I had Leukemia. How I felt when I found out just how close I came to dying. Literally. People don't realize that either. I was within a week of dying. The Dr's were impressed I survived so long without going to the hospital. My honest answer to their questions were that I was okay with it. I trusted God and HIS plan. And of COURSE I didn't want to leave my babies (they were so young) or my husband (married less than 5 years). But I knew God had me in HIS hands and HIS plan is perfect no matter what. HE gave me such grace to handle everything and honestly....it was easy. Plain and simple. Theo admitted last night that I handled cancer better than he did. He was a wreck. Granted, he had much more of the responsibility...planning out money, figuring out housing, taking care of the kids....it would be very easy for someone to just completely break down through all of that. But my husband handled it like a champ! Didn't even gain much weight. Continued working and working out! Always made sure I was okay and did any and everything for me. He's a real life Hero, folks! But anyways, basically what I'm trying to say is that having cancer was nothing. It was a piece of cake. After being seriously ill away from my home for 6 months I was past eager to be back in my own home. We arrived back home November 5th, 2013. It was GLORIOUS! Honestly....it took me a good two weeks to feel like it wasn't all a dream. I felt odd and out of place. My home was definitely comforting and my GOODNESS did it feel SO good to sleep in my own bed. But I found myself kinda feeling like I was floating and not really there. It was strange. But after 2-3 weeks that wore off and I tackled life by the horns and took control and settled back into "normal life". That lasted me about a good month and a half. Then things started to slowly fall apart. I didn't know why but I lost all energy. I had NONE! I couldn't figure it out. Then I panicked that I was sick again! After going to my first check-up with my Oncologist here in Michigan and getting a yearly check-up with my GYN I felt reassured enough that I wasn't sick again. In fact several of things had improved, like my 115 pulse was down to a 89! PRAISE GOD! So after those appointments I went home and felt pretty determined to start my life over again. Loose weight, finally get completely healthy and hopefully settle into having a new baby some time in the near future. Well after a couple of weeks I just couldn't get with the program. It was hard to keep up with every day chores like feeding my children. That simple. Feeding my children was a CHORE. I tried to be a successful Mom. But I was failing. Terribly. Because I have little one's, often my basic chores are all about just feeding/clothing/keeping the kids out of danger. It was SO very difficult to even keep up with that. Like I said...waking up in the mornings became so very difficult! Theo and I made the decision together that this year I would try and stay medicine free. Meaning no birth control (cause I really don't believe in that stuff anyways, no extra chemo pills etc. I was so happy about that plan because believe me, I took ENOUGH pills last year, to last me a lifetime! This was the year I was going to get healthy! I had started it really good last year before I got sick. Then once I got sick it all went out the window. But this time I wasn't going to have anything hold me back. Well, since I was "pill free" that meant trying to get my body back to a "normal" state after chemo. I did loose my period for about 3 months. (a normal side affect to chemo) Once it came back though, it went right back to it's regularly monthly schedule. I honestly was encouraged by that. Many people loose their period with the first treatment and don't get it back for a long time. It took me til my last chemo to loose mine and it was only gone for 3 months! So I was encouraged! Maybe having a baby after all this would be possible! Anyway, even though I was getting my regularly scheduled period, my hormones were completely out of whack. Seriously, I start PMSing HARD at least a full week ahead of time. Most of the time 2-3 weeks ahead of time. It really only seems I have a week to just feel "okay". So not only was I an emotional wreck, but I had horrible hormone symptoms. I won't go into all those details but it was BAD! Basically I felt pregnant every month. Which, when you wanted to have a baby LAST YEAR....it can be very emotional and rough. So I was dealing with that. In order to get my body on track, I was keeping very close track of my temperature every morning before I even sat up in bed. I was taking ovulation tests every afternoon to just track myself and see where my body was at. Basically I was doing all kinds of natural things to prevent pregnancy (since I was clearly so unhealthy) and attempt to get my body back to normal. In short? It was exhausting! Then my Memaw passed away. Something I'm not very comfortable talking about even now. Honestly, I haven't dealt with it. I have so many other issues that are affecting my daily life that I've decided to just kinda put that on the back burner. But it doesn't stop me from missing her. I'd say in the past month I've literally grabbed my phone, headed out the front door, sat on the front porch and gone to dial her number. The sadness that I feel when I realize I can call that number but I won't ever hear her voice again, is very overwhelming. Honestly, just can't talk about it now. But it was HUGE for me. I've never lost someone close to me before. So in addition to the craziness of my life....I had sadness. After my Memaw passed away, that's when it got bad. Really bad. I stopped talking. I didn't want to hang out with anyone. HUGE red flag for this social butterfly! My husband was at a loss as to what to do for me. He was miserable because I was miserable. And for the first time in our marriage things got bumpy. I realized later that I couldn't talk because there were so many things I didn't know HOW to talk. I didn't know what to say any more. I didn't know how to put words to the issues/feelings I had. It was nuts! I've never been in a darker place in my life! Of course, meanwhile, I still have to be Mom and friend/daughter/wife etc. It was so difficult. Eventually I took a huge step and started seeing a counselor. Honestly, I've debated SO many times whether to put this out there. There are SOOOO many people who I can name off the top of my head that could be very critical of that. Others who will quietly sit back and judge. But I've come a long way in the past 2 months. I'm working on being bold to say the things I believe/feel/want/need. It's hard. Because for so long I've always been about helping everyone else. Sure I'd talk about my problems...but I worked harder on everyone else's problems. I watched what I said to certain people for fear of judgement. I'm working on not being that way any more. I started going to counseling because I was stuck. I didn't know how to communicate any more, much less solve ANY of my problems. I was 100% detached from life. I felt nothing towards my kids. That's right. Nothing. And I'm not exaggerating. I acted like I felt something. After they would do something that would typically be deemed "cute" I would respond in that way. But I wouldn't feel it genuinely was cute. Honestly? My husband didn't know how bad things were because I was a VERY good actress! Who knew? haha! I surely didn't know I had it in me. There are certain people who were around me all the time who saw the pain though. I'd say out of all my friends/family Theo and Carissa are the only one's who really know. Carissa has been with me on almost a daily basis. She has done SO much for me in these past few months. From just coming over to let me cry and sulk in my own misery, to being protective over me whens someone would say something (Unknowingly) on FB. And that's not to say that there haven't been other people who have helped out too! Even from far away Kristen, Arielle and Ruth have been there. To just say "I love you!" or "How can I pray for you today?" or really...anything. To just be there. They've also been there to keep me accountable. To tell me things I may not wanna hear, but that are still truth. And recently LaToya has gone FAR above and beyond! Taking my boys so Theo and I could have a night away while she was in pain was such a huge blessing...honestly...I have no words! Thank you and gratitude just don't seem enough! So, there are been people in my life who have been very helpful. And even some of these people don't know the extent of everything. Because like I said...up until now, I've been pretty selective and closed mouthed about it. Counseling has definitely helped me communicate better. I feel more attached to my children and husband. I mean...so many of these things I just didn't expect. I didn't realize how different my children would be when I got them back after SIX MONTHS!!!! How much they'd grown. How much they'd changed because I wasn't the one raising them. I didn't expect that at all! All this is basically to say, that it's been very hard for me to recover after cancer. And not just physically...but emotionally. I've made small changes in my life. Like staying off FB. I'm just not into stressing myself out by comparing my lives to others and feeling ungrateful. That's not even Godly! OH! And speaking of...that's another thing I've been struggling with. I still believe in God. I know all the facts. I know HE has a plan and it's perfect..but as of the past few months I've been angry. I've been hurt. That's not something fun to admit. But I'm doing it because as much as I want you all to know....I want to be there to help someone else. I want them to know that it happens. And it's OKAY! You're not an evil person. These things happen. I'm not 100% normal or better. Every day is still very much a struggle for me. Funny side note (still relevant, I promise. lol)Theo and I watched this movie called What About Bob? It was hilarious! In the movie the crazy patient (Bob) hooks onto his psychologist phrase and book "Baby Steps" He mumbles it to himself when trying to overcome obstacles he struggles with. I laughed because it's hilarious. Then later I realized how true it actually is! These days its very easy for me to feel inadequate or overwhelmed. When that happens...I try and sit back, breath and remind myself..baby steps. What's the smallest thing I can do RIGHT NOW...to help the situation? Which most the time, the basic step is reminding myself that God loves me and HE does have a plan. And that does bring comfort. My life is far from perfect. And some people may say I need to stop having a pity party and be grateful for everything I have. The fact of the matter is, I'm struggling. It happens. I'm also working hard EVERY.SINGLE.DAY to be better. To accept and move on. But, I'm struggling now. And it's okay! It's okay to say/admit. And it doesn't matter how much judgement I get for this post or how much people may criticize and say "You didn't need to share that!" or "Stop being a baby...some people don't survive cancer". This is real to me! And one of the things I'm working on is being brave and bold! I don't care what judgments you have about me/my posts/my life, believe me...I am fully aware of my flaws. But baby steps. One day at a time. Live my life one baby step at a time.


BE BRAVE!!!!! BE DARING!!!!! BE BOLD!!!!! LIVE YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

A Personal Barrier Broken.......

So, I just had to blog about this because one day I think it'll make me laugh! In the 4 years I've been a mother I have NEVER let my boys play with Play-Doh or paint! They have done paint for certain projects I've done...but not like playing themselves. It's because the mess terrifies me! I am an organized clean person (for the most part) and chaos and mess literally drives me NUTS! I've known since we found out we were pregnant with our second boy, that my world on clean/neat/organization would end. Not that I wouldn't try, but more that my two boys would flip my world upside down and I'd have to give up on things being the way I wanted them to be. Well, recently through encouragement from a friend, I overcame the mental struggle and let my kids play with Play-Doh! I basically had to set it up for them and leave the room. haha! I just knew seeing them mix those colors would KILL me! ha! So, I set them up in the kitchen and went to the living room to attack a project I'd been meaning to do! It went better than expected! Yes there were a few small things I had to clean up but it kept them occupied and happy! So here's to me breaking mental barriers! And here's to my boys being happy! Thank you LaToya (Aunt Toya) for the encouragement! The boys and I thank you! :-) P.S. I did find a way to make myself happier with Play-Doh....keeping it organized after they're done playing! ;-)