1 Year Chemo Anniversary!

I can't believe it's here! Honestly, I'm not sure how in the world I made it? The obvious answer would be God. Because seriously, without HIM I wouldn't be here. He obviously had plans for me. And lemme tell you what, they weren't any kind of plans I intended on having. This year has been....well...a handful! It's been harder than last year! No one ever tells you that life AFTER chemo is the hardest part! I can't even explain in words everything that has gone on with me this past year! I've definitely had more downs than ups! I've always relied heavily on God to carry me through but this year that was seriously put to the test. I didn't know my faith could waiver so much! I didn't know my faith in HIM as so conditional! Which is so very sad! HE has always been faithful to me even in the "bad times". I've always praised HIM in the storm because I knew at least he was trying me. HE doesn't love me if HE doesn't try me! But this year, I'm sad to report that my faith wavered much and I was very angry. Not just at God, but at everyone and everything! I fought daily with bitterness and anger. I was taking it out on my children and my marriage. I stopped talking to a LOT of people! I became a lot less social! Which, for anyone who knows me knows that's HUGE! I did confide in a few select people, but even friends who I considered "close" don't know everything I've been through this year. And honestly, am still going through. I couldn't believe how much I let anger consume me! That is a dangerous feeling! I really don't consider myself an angry person. Have I been angry over certain things? Well sure! Who hasn't? But in general I just kinda go with the flow and find the positive side to it all! Not this year! It was very hard for me to be thankful for anything! Not that I found myself thinking of killing myself (please don't mistake that!) but I found myself asking why I was even here? What's the point? Would people be better off without me? I was so angry and damaging my children and my marriage was definitely being put to the test. It had become all about me and how to make me feel better. I actually became a bit manic in my behaviors! One day I was really high up and the next day I'd be so low! It became impossible to live life. All along in my head I knew the way I was acting wasn't okay. I knew it needed to be fixed but at one point I got so low and lost I didn't know HOW! HOW do I fix this?! Where do I start? Sadly my first option was not to get on my knees. It should've been! But I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't provoke me to more anger. Different people would give advice but honestly, the only things that stuck (even if they made me feel worse about myself) were the things that were either Biblically based or scripture. As hard as I tried, those things wouldn't stop nagging me. Finally I got into counseling. It's not something I make publicly known. I believe I blogged about it previously. But it's a step I took in order to get my head above water. OH! Of course while all this mental struggle was going on I'm sure you can imagine how my body handled all that. With each increasing day my body physical took beat downs. The trash I ate, the sometimes laziness (not being able to move off the couch)....I mean...the toll on my body physically was definitely taking a HUGE hit! So in addition to struggling mentally my physical body was taking it hard too! So I made the step to start counseling. Through counseling I was able to feel like I could breathe again. That I could tackle each individual problem. Obviously since I was recovering my chemo, my body wasn't back to "normal" So all the while I'm trying to mentally fight and left and right there would be all kinds of problems. Of course the stress and depression didn't help. But a body can't heal from poison, like that! So once I started counseling things did start looking up. I learned to embrace my faults (not all) more! To be encouraged by them because it assures me that A)I'm alive and B)I'm not perfect. But God is in me and HE is perfect and HIS plan for me is perfect! I just can't believe everything I've been through this year. I can honestly say I've never worked harder on my mental state of mind, in my entire life! Hahaha! Of course with that comes spiritual healing! I have to say there's one friend who's stood out to me this entire time without knowing all the details. Of course there have been many BUT Arielle Gonzalez! Never did she fail to bring it back to scripture! And every turn! She always made me feel encouraged because she wouldn't judge or minimize my emotions/feelings but was always empathetic and encouraging in all the right ways! Frequently quoting scripture and reminding me that God is Wonderful, Powerful and Mighty! And HE can and will help me through! I thank you Arielle because even though we've never met in person I am so encouraged and blessed to have you as a friend! Like I said, there were of course many others who have helped me on this journey...and are still helping me through in all the right ways. So thank you to all of you! You all know who you are! <3 So now that this blog is done, I will soon be heading over to Megan's house for a celebratory Anniversary dinner! She is making healthy homemade Chinese (because I've been craving it) and we're going to celebrate a year of being chemo free! We weren't friends back when I went through chemo so I feel incredibly blessed to have her making such efforts to encourage me on my journey! <3