It's Time......

So this blog post has been a long time coming. I've been very closed about my struggles recently. Which is new for me because everyone who knows me knows, I'm quick to share personal details. haha Even things that people may consider "TMI". I'm just very open about things. And honestly, people who are around me know my struggles because I have talked about some of them....but I've kept a lot of it off social media. The main reason? Because I was really low. I didn't know up from down. I didn't know left or right. I just didn't know how to respond with everything going on. I was completely stuck. For the first time in my life, I couldn't just look at the positive and motivate myself that way. I was truly honestly 100% stuck. My life has not turned out how I predicted. Oh yeah, of course, life never goes the way you want it to. Oh yes! I do have SO much to be grateful for. And HECK YES, God has blessed me through ups AND downs. But for awhile there it was hard enough to even get out of bed. Seriously, I don't say that as an exaggeration. And yes, I know I'm extremely overweight....but it hurt to open my eyes. It hurt to realize I had a full day ahead of me and I had to survive it. I never thought the easy part of my life would be, beating cancer. Seriously?! Like.....thinking back...I was a trooper! Theo and I were talking about it last night. I remember many visits with friends or family or outings where I felt like utter crap. I was so tired, exhausted and achy. And I put a smile on my face and enjoyed the company. Because it felt good to do so. Because it felt nice to pretend to be normal. haha! I didn't honestly think of it as hard. I was grateful that I coasted through chemo treatments. Side affects that normally happen to people, didn't happen to me. What an awesome experience! I could've stood to loose some weight through it all, but the Dr's told me that my weight was actually what helped keep things so mild for me. Crazy, huh? Anyways, everyone praised me with how much I trusted God through it all and how happy I was. I was a huge testimony in the hospital because I was able to witness to so many people just by always having a smile on my face. It was a blessing! Sure there were some obstacles that were a bit hard. Like realizing that to survive for my current children, might mean not being able to have any more. And honestly, I've told many people...that's the thing that hurt THE most about cancer. I was fortunate to get a "Good Kind of Cancer" so surviving wasn't iffy for me. It was a definite thing. I was going to live. Phew! I got many questions on how I felt when they told me I had Leukemia. How I felt when I found out just how close I came to dying. Literally. People don't realize that either. I was within a week of dying. The Dr's were impressed I survived so long without going to the hospital. My honest answer to their questions were that I was okay with it. I trusted God and HIS plan. And of COURSE I didn't want to leave my babies (they were so young) or my husband (married less than 5 years). But I knew God had me in HIS hands and HIS plan is perfect no matter what. HE gave me such grace to handle everything and honestly....it was easy. Plain and simple. Theo admitted last night that I handled cancer better than he did. He was a wreck. Granted, he had much more of the responsibility...planning out money, figuring out housing, taking care of the kids....it would be very easy for someone to just completely break down through all of that. But my husband handled it like a champ! Didn't even gain much weight. Continued working and working out! Always made sure I was okay and did any and everything for me. He's a real life Hero, folks! But anyways, basically what I'm trying to say is that having cancer was nothing. It was a piece of cake. After being seriously ill away from my home for 6 months I was past eager to be back in my own home. We arrived back home November 5th, 2013. It was GLORIOUS! Honestly....it took me a good two weeks to feel like it wasn't all a dream. I felt odd and out of place. My home was definitely comforting and my GOODNESS did it feel SO good to sleep in my own bed. But I found myself kinda feeling like I was floating and not really there. It was strange. But after 2-3 weeks that wore off and I tackled life by the horns and took control and settled back into "normal life". That lasted me about a good month and a half. Then things started to slowly fall apart. I didn't know why but I lost all energy. I had NONE! I couldn't figure it out. Then I panicked that I was sick again! After going to my first check-up with my Oncologist here in Michigan and getting a yearly check-up with my GYN I felt reassured enough that I wasn't sick again. In fact several of things had improved, like my 115 pulse was down to a 89! PRAISE GOD! So after those appointments I went home and felt pretty determined to start my life over again. Loose weight, finally get completely healthy and hopefully settle into having a new baby some time in the near future. Well after a couple of weeks I just couldn't get with the program. It was hard to keep up with every day chores like feeding my children. That simple. Feeding my children was a CHORE. I tried to be a successful Mom. But I was failing. Terribly. Because I have little one's, often my basic chores are all about just feeding/clothing/keeping the kids out of danger. It was SO very difficult to even keep up with that. Like I said...waking up in the mornings became so very difficult! Theo and I made the decision together that this year I would try and stay medicine free. Meaning no birth control (cause I really don't believe in that stuff anyways, no extra chemo pills etc. I was so happy about that plan because believe me, I took ENOUGH pills last year, to last me a lifetime! This was the year I was going to get healthy! I had started it really good last year before I got sick. Then once I got sick it all went out the window. But this time I wasn't going to have anything hold me back. Well, since I was "pill free" that meant trying to get my body back to a "normal" state after chemo. I did loose my period for about 3 months. (a normal side affect to chemo) Once it came back though, it went right back to it's regularly monthly schedule. I honestly was encouraged by that. Many people loose their period with the first treatment and don't get it back for a long time. It took me til my last chemo to loose mine and it was only gone for 3 months! So I was encouraged! Maybe having a baby after all this would be possible! Anyway, even though I was getting my regularly scheduled period, my hormones were completely out of whack. Seriously, I start PMSing HARD at least a full week ahead of time. Most of the time 2-3 weeks ahead of time. It really only seems I have a week to just feel "okay". So not only was I an emotional wreck, but I had horrible hormone symptoms. I won't go into all those details but it was BAD! Basically I felt pregnant every month. Which, when you wanted to have a baby LAST YEAR....it can be very emotional and rough. So I was dealing with that. In order to get my body on track, I was keeping very close track of my temperature every morning before I even sat up in bed. I was taking ovulation tests every afternoon to just track myself and see where my body was at. Basically I was doing all kinds of natural things to prevent pregnancy (since I was clearly so unhealthy) and attempt to get my body back to normal. In short? It was exhausting! Then my Memaw passed away. Something I'm not very comfortable talking about even now. Honestly, I haven't dealt with it. I have so many other issues that are affecting my daily life that I've decided to just kinda put that on the back burner. But it doesn't stop me from missing her. I'd say in the past month I've literally grabbed my phone, headed out the front door, sat on the front porch and gone to dial her number. The sadness that I feel when I realize I can call that number but I won't ever hear her voice again, is very overwhelming. Honestly, just can't talk about it now. But it was HUGE for me. I've never lost someone close to me before. So in addition to the craziness of my life....I had sadness. After my Memaw passed away, that's when it got bad. Really bad. I stopped talking. I didn't want to hang out with anyone. HUGE red flag for this social butterfly! My husband was at a loss as to what to do for me. He was miserable because I was miserable. And for the first time in our marriage things got bumpy. I realized later that I couldn't talk because there were so many things I didn't know HOW to talk. I didn't know what to say any more. I didn't know how to put words to the issues/feelings I had. It was nuts! I've never been in a darker place in my life! Of course, meanwhile, I still have to be Mom and friend/daughter/wife etc. It was so difficult. Eventually I took a huge step and started seeing a counselor. Honestly, I've debated SO many times whether to put this out there. There are SOOOO many people who I can name off the top of my head that could be very critical of that. Others who will quietly sit back and judge. But I've come a long way in the past 2 months. I'm working on being bold to say the things I believe/feel/want/need. It's hard. Because for so long I've always been about helping everyone else. Sure I'd talk about my problems...but I worked harder on everyone else's problems. I watched what I said to certain people for fear of judgement. I'm working on not being that way any more. I started going to counseling because I was stuck. I didn't know how to communicate any more, much less solve ANY of my problems. I was 100% detached from life. I felt nothing towards my kids. That's right. Nothing. And I'm not exaggerating. I acted like I felt something. After they would do something that would typically be deemed "cute" I would respond in that way. But I wouldn't feel it genuinely was cute. Honestly? My husband didn't know how bad things were because I was a VERY good actress! Who knew? haha! I surely didn't know I had it in me. There are certain people who were around me all the time who saw the pain though. I'd say out of all my friends/family Theo and Carissa are the only one's who really know. Carissa has been with me on almost a daily basis. She has done SO much for me in these past few months. From just coming over to let me cry and sulk in my own misery, to being protective over me whens someone would say something (Unknowingly) on FB. And that's not to say that there haven't been other people who have helped out too! Even from far away Kristen, Arielle and Ruth have been there. To just say "I love you!" or "How can I pray for you today?" or really...anything. To just be there. They've also been there to keep me accountable. To tell me things I may not wanna hear, but that are still truth. And recently LaToya has gone FAR above and beyond! Taking my boys so Theo and I could have a night away while she was in pain was such a huge blessing...honestly...I have no words! Thank you and gratitude just don't seem enough! So, there are been people in my life who have been very helpful. And even some of these people don't know the extent of everything. Because like I said...up until now, I've been pretty selective and closed mouthed about it. Counseling has definitely helped me communicate better. I feel more attached to my children and husband. I mean...so many of these things I just didn't expect. I didn't realize how different my children would be when I got them back after SIX MONTHS!!!! How much they'd grown. How much they'd changed because I wasn't the one raising them. I didn't expect that at all! All this is basically to say, that it's been very hard for me to recover after cancer. And not just physically...but emotionally. I've made small changes in my life. Like staying off FB. I'm just not into stressing myself out by comparing my lives to others and feeling ungrateful. That's not even Godly! OH! And speaking of...that's another thing I've been struggling with. I still believe in God. I know all the facts. I know HE has a plan and it's perfect..but as of the past few months I've been angry. I've been hurt. That's not something fun to admit. But I'm doing it because as much as I want you all to know....I want to be there to help someone else. I want them to know that it happens. And it's OKAY! You're not an evil person. These things happen. I'm not 100% normal or better. Every day is still very much a struggle for me. Funny side note (still relevant, I promise. lol)Theo and I watched this movie called What About Bob? It was hilarious! In the movie the crazy patient (Bob) hooks onto his psychologist phrase and book "Baby Steps" He mumbles it to himself when trying to overcome obstacles he struggles with. I laughed because it's hilarious. Then later I realized how true it actually is! These days its very easy for me to feel inadequate or overwhelmed. When that happens...I try and sit back, breath and remind myself..baby steps. What's the smallest thing I can do RIGHT NOW...to help the situation? Which most the time, the basic step is reminding myself that God loves me and HE does have a plan. And that does bring comfort. My life is far from perfect. And some people may say I need to stop having a pity party and be grateful for everything I have. The fact of the matter is, I'm struggling. It happens. I'm also working hard EVERY.SINGLE.DAY to be better. To accept and move on. But, I'm struggling now. And it's okay! It's okay to say/admit. And it doesn't matter how much judgement I get for this post or how much people may criticize and say "You didn't need to share that!" or "Stop being a baby...some people don't survive cancer". This is real to me! And one of the things I'm working on is being brave and bold! I don't care what judgments you have about me/my posts/my life, believe me...I am fully aware of my flaws. But baby steps. One day at a time. Live my life one baby step at a time.


BE BRAVE!!!!! BE DARING!!!!! BE BOLD!!!!! LIVE YOUR DREAMS!!!!!