A Good Friend.....

I just wanted to take a bit of time, because you know I ALWAYS blog haha, to give a shout out to someone who's been a good friend to me in this past year...well a bit longer...but still. lol Deb Filipe! I have just been so encouraged by our friendship. I appreciate it. Just recently we had a bit of a "spat". That was more on my part then hers, but it honestly felt so good to be honest with someone and share my feelings (even if they weren't right sometimes lol) and have her respond the way a friend should. With love and understanding...oh and much forgiveness. LOL It was so nerve racking and I was so upset about expressing myself that I literally couldn't sleep. I was afraid our friendship would deteriorate because of me being honest. I sighed with relief when reading her email back to me. I've obviously been going through a bit of a rough time recently (mostly the depression) and she was more than forgiving and understanding of how I might perceive things. So this blog is to you Deb! Thank you for so many laughs and awesome "girl talks" and for always being honest with me and being so forgiving of my craizness! Oh! And for birthing the most gorgeous baby girl I've ever seen! Ariela seriously needs to come live with me! And also for our Skype dates! You're awesome! Thank you for cherishing this friendship as much as I do! :)

The Joys of Being a Parent

So, I don't have much time to blog these days. My hands are VERY full! I want to so badly (I still need to do a monthly update on Collin)but seriously, time is always slipping out of my hands. But I wanted to take a moment to talk about parenthood. After I finally recovered from all of my surgeries with Isaiah, I enjoyed being a Mother so much. So much so that when he was 10mo we thought it a great idea to add to the family. lol We weren't trying, but we just thought it best to just let it happen when it happens and not prevent. SO....thus I conceived Collin. I very much wanted a girl and was heart broken when we found out I was having another boy. Now, everyone who's been pregnant knows, sometimes your hormones just won't let you be rational. I honestly held it against Collin that he was a boy. I didn't like him very much. I mean, I was excited to have another baby but at my hormonal pregnant time, I just felt resentful. lol It sounds stupid, but everyone who's been pregnant can understand! I also have always loved children. I want quite a few. So I was excited in general to be expanding our family to 4. So, anyways, *stops to scold Isaiah and tell him to get off the toy basket by the living room window before he falls* *Isaiah then continues to climb from the basket to the baby swing* *I sigh and give up* when due day finally came I was just about over the fact that he was a boy, though still kinda holding my breath he might just be a girl. LOL After they pulled him out, I felt no pain, and just LOOOOVED this c-section far more than the last, I was over it! I saw him, kissed him and loved him. After the operation and Collin was in the NICU I felt strangely detached. Especially after the meds wore off. It just felt unreal and being that I could hardly hold him it just only emphasized my sense of unreality. Things just felt odd. Then when I had to leave him at the hospital and go home, I felt more sadness than I think I've ever felt. I kept a VERY strong brave face and always reminded myself that we were doing what's best for him. I stayed very dedicated to pumping so that my boy could have the best. That's what I mainly focused on....besides our daily trips to the hospital to just sit and hold his finger (occasionally hold him)I focused on pumping. I also at the time was starting to feel very much more detached from reality. I was suffering from pain a lot as well. The Dr's refused to give me something I knew would work so I basically suffered from pain. Next time I WILL be getting percocet. I think the pain and not having my child home only added to everything. After Collin FINALLY came home, my Mom left and Theo went back to work, I found myself alone with a newborn (who I hadn't had any time to bond with) a 18mo (not quite 18mo) and a body that wasn't really able to do very much at all. By that point it'd barely been a week since the c-section. Like a week and maybe 3 days? Something like that. I began to just feel defeated. I had no strength, no energy, no bond with this new child, another child who needed my constant attention....it was just H-A-R-D. That's the best way to say it. HARD! If people think they've been through hard times themselves...try adding 2 infant lives you're in charge of. Boy....just intense. Anyways, SO...here I was basically just doing what it took to survive the day. I began to feel even more detached from my children. When Isaiah would put a hand on my leg, I literally would fight the urge to throw up. It was heart breaking. How could a mother feel this way about her children? I didn't want to hold Collin...I didn't even want to look at him. I just didn't want to exist. Everyone kept telling me to hold on and that things would get better. I did. I hung on for dear life. I kept reminding myself when I felt I simply could not take anymore, that it WOULD get better. My depression seemed to disappear eventually. I began to WANT to hold Collin, touches from Isaiah didn't make me sick to my stomach. I finally though "I'm exhausted beyond belief, but we're doing better!" Well...famous last words, I then quickly plummeted into a severe depression. Theo was finally home more, but I could NOT pull myself out of major amounts of sadness. I began to want to be separated from anyone but my boys or Theo. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Picking up my cell phone off the table was literally a MAJOR effort. It felt heavy and it just was painful to text much less make a phone call. Something so simple became so very difficult for me. Other things became problems. I no longer wanted to go outdoors. I didn't want to drive. I didn't want to do everything that used to make me happy. I cried myself to sleep for no particular reason. Every single day that I woke up the first thought in my head was "How can I just get this day over with." I just wanted to lay in my bed and never move. I was bonding with Collin much better and he was just about the only thing on a regular basis that would make me feel semi-happy. I was very pleased with that due to the rough start we had. I finally decided that enough was enough. If I let this continue something very bad was going to happen. I hadn't had thought of wanting to take away my life or anyone else's, but I figured it was probably soon around the corner with the way that every day increasingly got harder and harder to deal with. I finally went to my regular Dr (who, may I mention, is the best Dr I've ever had!)and she basically said "if it's to the point where you feel the need to seek help, you need help." We finally got me put on some medicine. After about 4 days (after experiencing light headaches and dizziness) every morning started to increasingly get better. When I finally woke up excited about what the day held, I knew I was in the clear. So basically, all of this was to say, I am SO happy to be a parent. I am starting to enjoy being a parent again and it feels so good. It's not an easy job by any means, but I am now starting to appreciate every second I have with my 2 ever growing boys! I love them with so much more than words can ever describe. And I've been blessed with 2 boys who honestly are pretty well behaved, for their age anyways. I am excited to see what the future holds for us. Now I must go and get Isaiah some late lunch (we woke up late) and then we all must go down for naps! Yipee!