Victorious

So, as I've been saying in previous blogs, I've been working on myself. Like, a lot! More than I've ever focused on myself before! One very important thing I've learned through all this hard work, is to celebrate my victories! Before, I always seemed to find some way to bring myself down. To say it wasn't good enough. Or find some excuse to lessen the greatness of a victory! So with the encouragement of my counselor and Theo, I started to just tell myself "It's a victory! Celebrate it!" It didn't matter how big or how small. It deserves celebration! It doesn't matter if no one else will care! Celebrate! Acknowledge the fact that it was a leap for myself and a successful one! And even when I fall, don't beat myself up over it! At first it was very, VERY, difficult! I would acknowledge the victory but secretly in the back of my mind, tear it down. Gradually, it became easier and easier! Gradually I learned to celebrate loading and unloading the dishwasher! Sounds stupid! But all year I've struggled with keeping up with dishes. Mostly due to my lack of energy. But when I finally did do the dishes, I allowed myself to be so happy over it! Almost every day now, I find something to celebrate myself about! Whether it's big or small. Doesn't make a difference! God's put a major change in my heart and it's soooo much for the better. I can't believe I lived so long beating myself up like I was. Well, I might have been living but it was a very unhealthy life. Inward and outward! So thank you God, for allowing the help of others to help me push through my selfishness. To realize that the works YOU do in me are good! They are to be celebrated! I am victorious in HIM! Glory!

Collin Henry is 3!

Well, it's finally happened! My baby turned 3! I always struggle around his birthday because the majority of his life I haven't been able to enjoy because of one medical issue after another! Hopefully from here on out though, I'll be able to enjoy every last second! :-)

Name: Collin Henry Scheungrab
Birth: September 8th
Nicknames: Schmootzie Poo, Poo, Poo-Pants, Schmootz, Ceebs, C, Collin Hengry
Height: Mom is lame and can't remember!
Weight: Finally reached the 30's! 32lbs!
Allergies: Still Egg, Wheat, Milk and Nuts. (also staying strong on the gluten free diet)
Favorite Food: Hot dogs
Favorite Drink: Rice Milk
Favorite Snack: Fruit Snacks or Apples
Interests: Animals (we think, he thinks he's one) and babies
Favorite Person: Momma (very much still a Momma's boy...though Daddy is becoming a close one!)
Best Friends: Brother, SamMal and Gage
Favorite Toys: Very much into stuffed animals (Mickey, Minnie Mouse and Goofy are the ultimate fav stuffed animals) and anything Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Achievements: Can sing ABC's correctly by himself, can count to 10 correctly and getting better at tracing!
Potty Trained? YES! Thanks to Grummy! Night time and day time trained! Jake underwear are his favorites! ;-)
Righty or Lefty? Strong Lefty!



Collin Henry is definitely our most active child. He keeps us on our toes and challenges us on a daily basis! You can pretty much always count on him to either make you laugh or to come up with some injury of some sort! Clumsy as anything! Absolutely zero fear! Theo and I honestly can't imagine our lives without him! From day one he's kept us on our toes and growing our hearts bigger and bigger. Happy 3rd Birthday Ceebs! Mommy and Daddy love you so much! And Brother too! :-)

1 Year Remission-Anniversary: The Evolution of Hannah

Well, my actual date has come and gone. I really wanted to write this on the day but honestly, life is just too busy! I can't believe 1 year has come and gone! In some ways it flew by, in others it really did seem to drag on for eternity! I had so much envisioned for my one year mark. Honestly, most of what I had planned was physical. As is typical for me, I never thought about deeper than that. I just wanted to loose weight to be accepted and for people to stop talking behind my back. I wanted to loose weight so that Theo and I could finally FINALLY start trying to have a baby. All the reasons I wanted to be in a very different place physically, was for all the wrong reasons. It seems silly now, honestly. Typical Hannah went on smiling and being there for everyone but herself. I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Then again, I never really have been able to accept what I see staring back at me. I've never been a fan of myself. All I've ever done is try and live my life to please others. God, my parents, my husband, my siblings, my friends, my best friends....I've always cared more about anyone else (even perfect strangers) than I cared for myself. Heather and Ruth have always seen me for who I am! Along the way I've made extremely close friends who saw the same things Heather and Ruth saw. (you all know who you are!) In all fairness, Theo has been the one to break through more of that than anyone else. I've always felt loved and accepted by him. It can't be easy for the poor man! All many people have ever wanted me to do, is for me to see myself as they see me. I just had zero desire or motivation to see myself. I think a lot of it stemmed from my weight. I mean, it's pretty easy to hate yourself when you're fat. I've always been ashamed of my body. From the time I was skinny, young and good looking, til now, overweight, out of shape and aged. I don't know why I never felt comfortable. I think it was because I never had anyone seem to accept what I was. I would frequently be around many people who would compliment everyone else around me, but me! Since I had the strong desire to please people, I always cared more about doing what was right and in general being a "good person". "Hannah do this, Hannah do that..." frequent phrases I remember hearing. I'm not trying to make it sound like I was a saint! I mean, for goodness sakes! I'm a human being who sins! Period! But, I've always had a lack of self esteem. Ever since I can remember. Anyways, over this past year I've changed. I went down to the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I felt like I was in a deep hole and I couldn't figure a way out. The obvious answer for a Christian would be "lean on God." But I kept leaning and felt like all I was doing was going deeper and deeper in a hole I couldn't get out of. My life was falling apart. I experienced downs in my marriage, my personal life, motherhood...it was just all around bad. The tears...oh goodness! Even my first pregnancy I don't think I cried THIS much! Haha! Hopeless. Hopeless is what I felt. I knew the correct answer was to lean on God but I just couldn't seem to do it! I'd gone all last year (almost loosing my life) fighting cancer and all the while NEVER doubting my love for God or HIS plan for me! How in the world is that possible?! How could I go through something so traumatic and seriously never really have an issue with it. To this day, I will tell you, I never doubted God's plan for a minute. I was content to live the life HE'd created for me alone! I almost felt special because I KNEW without a doubt that God was in control and whether that was to live or die, I was at peace! So why, when I got home was it so difficult to settle back into "life". Well, one major reason. I was NOT the same! Physically, Mentally or Emotionally. My body has been poisoned by chemo. And before that? Brought down to it lowest physical point, to near death. So my mental state wasn't great mostly due to all the trauma my body had withstood over the past year. So I struggled very much with every day things. Hormones were completely out of whack. For awhile there headaches were regular. Appetite still came and went. All the while having to raise two boys and be a wife, with very low energy. Honestly, even to this day, I sleep a lot! I used to be able to get up early and go to bed late and be perfectly fine. Now? I'm NO good if I don't get at LEAST 8hrs of sleep! It's rough! My body took a huge hit! So in addition to fighting things that were seriously chemically off balance, I had to learn how to live life again. It's strange. You would think taking a "break" from life would make you ready to go back to it right away. But I can see now it was too much too soon! Of course I survived. But things could've gone so much better if I'd just rested a bit more. But it is what it is! Plain and simple! Learn to function like a normal adult was hard. So I developed depression. Which of course was not at all helped by this past rough winter we had. Plus I had no car. Which made it a bit harder on me. My Memaw passed away in early spring and that was honestly the last straw for me. I went to a very....VERY dark place. It just wasn't good. All the while, I was trashing my body. I would either not eat at all (most common) or I would binge eat crap. It was so horrible. I was screaming at my children all the while pretending everything was good. I was not in a good place with Theo. To be truthful, I don't even know exactly how bad off we were because I was crazy! Legit crazy! I started to have LOTS of fits of anger. I was angry at God. I was embarrassed and guilty for being angry but I was angry none the less. I've never been an angry person. But all of a sudden I was angry at any and everything. It became VERY clear that I needed some help! So, with the encouragement of Theo, I started counseling. It was hard at first because honestly, I didn't know what to say any more. I had completely shut down. My counselor now laughs about the ora I had when she first met me. She said it was awful! She said as soon as she stepped in the room to meet me it automatically felt gray, cloudy, depressing and hopeless. Yup! Just about everything I felt. haha! I stayed pretty diligent at counseling because all the while I KNEW I wasn't thinking correctly. I KNEW something was wrong and that I wanted to change. I KNEW I couldn't live like this forever. And praise God for an encouraging husband. Because if he'd been against counseling, I can't imagine where we'd be today! Slowly I started to learn that A) I had some chemical imbalance and medicine was definitely required and B) Even as crazy as I was, there was deep rooted issues that I needed to address. So, I started some medication and slowly things started to get better. I was more able to calm down (not be so angry) and rationally think about things. I've never been good with words. I mean, just read back in this...how much rambling have I done? LOL But, slowly I learned that was a part I hated about myself. I hated that I couldn't speak eloquently, I hated that I don't feel intelligent, I hate that I'm not quick witted or quick in general. I hated that I was fat. That I needed medication to live my life some what normal. That I had to be in counseling. That my life turned out to be nothing like I wanted it to be. Slowly my resentment towards God started to fade. Slowly my resentment towards people who have "wronged me" in the past, started to not matter so much. I started counseling in April and here I am now, 3 sessions out from being done for good! I can't believe that I'm not even panicking over it! I'm ready! The developments that have taken place is indescribable, really. The growth I've seen in myself. The fact that I can post "unflattering" pictures of myself on Facebook and NOT CARE! I do not care at all what someone might think. The only two people I give a flying hoot about are God and Theo! Period! I am still taking medication and we are no where close to talking about having another baby (we were supposed to talk about it at the year mark. I've put on 50lbs at least this year. And am I ashamed? No! Of course I'm not proud! I don't want to brag about it! But I refuse to feel guilty any more for what other people may think! I am SO proud of myself right now for even saying that! I've very much learned that it really does take baby steps to grow. And sometimes those baby steps may feel like they're on a sand dune and you feel like you're sliding down, but I assure you, keep one foot in front of the other and you WILL get to the top! I am now completely okay with my mistakes. They are mistakes just like anyone has made! They have been learning lessons for me! God is using my life to teach me so much about myself and I love it! I feel so much more secure in my faith now! I feel more secure in my marriage. I feel more secure in myself. I can look in the mirror right now and say "Hey girl! I kinda like you! I have goals and things I want to get better at...but that's okay! You keep on keepin on!" I feel SO happy for the first time in my entire life. Of course it'd be AWESOME if others acknowledged that (and some do!)but for the first time in my life? I'm okay with just pleasing myself and God! God made me who I am! All bumps along the way? Those were to make me what HE wants me to be! They were a teaching tool for myself. And maybe eventually? I can encourage someone else! This road hasn't at all been easy, but I'm much stronger now. I'm okay with not having a baby. It doesn't define me. What God chooses for my life, defines me and I'm at such peace with that! I'm also very very thankful for the positive encouraging people God has put in my life. Theo being the main one! I can't believe that God made someone SO perfect for me. Someone who knows my faults and still very much loves me! Someone I can lean on and who can help carry my burdens. It's so much of a blessing! The other encouraging people, you all know who you are! I appreciate each and every one of you! Without your positivity and encouragement, I'm not sure I would've gotten this far! So it is with blurry eyes that I wrap up this blog. I'm not where I thought I'd be at my year mark. I'm so much further along than I could ever predict! :-) Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me! ;-)