Purity....Then Intimacy....Then Hospital Stay....What?

So, I've been wanting to write this post for awhile now. It's taken me awhile to get up enough energy to even pick up the laptop. Hopefully I can finish this before I get too tired. Ha!


So, as everyone who knows me knows (if not..then you must not know me very well....and that's okay....this'll teach you a lot about me! :) haha)I made a decision from a pretty early age to remain pure until marriage. To me that meant no sex before marriage and no dating "for the fun of it". I knew my desire was to be married and have children and I knew that the purpose of dating should only lead towards marriage. This was not something my parents made me do. It's not even something they asked me to do. Of course they taught me what was right according to scripture and that's really all I needed. So just about my whole life I've had a certain mind frame. Of course I had a few lessons to learn, a few stumbling blocks (but I never had sex) but for the most part I stayed true to that. I finally found "Mr Right"!!!! Hooray for me! Even though we only "dated" for 6 months it wasn't easy to control ourselves physically. As anyone who's been in a dating relationship can tell ya....it's hard! haha! But we kept one goal in mind and we stuck to it! I can't even explain in words how glorious that we are each other's first. Not that I care to get into the specific details of our sex life...haha...but it's amazing because he and I share that very special bond TOGETHER! As husband and wife! Just as God intended it to be! What I didn't realize was the strong sense of intimacy you can feel from just simply sitting next to each other on the sofa...or sleeping and cuddling in the same bed. I didn't realize that there was so much more to being husband and wife. Growing up, I think I kinda block some of those things out because I didn't want to know...I didn't want to know then have to fight temptation even more. But anyways....once we were married it was awesome because we no longer had to fight ANYTHING! Anything and everything we wanted to share physically/emotionally..didn't matter...we could do it! There were no boundaries for us and he and I both embraced that! And then.......


Here I pop up with cancer! haha! When something like this happens the first thing you think is NOT "Oh I probably won't have sex for awhile." In fact....they kept me so busy it didn't even occur to me for quite awhile. Then all the sudden I just got this feeling when I'd sleep. Almost like...and empty feeling maybe. I'm not quite sure. Now Theo has spent every single night with me in the hospital. Uncomfortable recliner and all. He sleeps right next to me every night. But that's when I realized....he wasn't actually sleeping WITH me! We've had little to none skin to skin contact (because of my low blood counts he doesn't even kiss me on the mouth out of deathly fear he might pass on something that will make me more sick....he's so sweet to think of me and care for me like that!)we don't share a bed together, there's really no place for us to even cuddle cause no chair/bed/seat is big enough. So I got to thinking about how important that is for us. About week 3 is when we really started snipping at each other and having more issues than we've had in our whole 4 years (on the 27th Woop woop) of marriage. He and I hardly ever argue...but it was getting excessive. Just every little thing seemed to be an issue for us. So realizing that a huge part of the reason was was intimacy....which lead me to realize.....my WHOLE life the "end goal" for me was marriage. In my mind, then I could do whatever I wanted with my husband and I wouldn't have to control myself or anything. I dunno about anyone else...but for me I just thought...that's it. Then I'll never have to worry again. Since this has happened it hit me like a ton of bricks.....NOT!!!!! hahaha I know this is a test/trial/lesson for us to work through...and since I realized that things have gotten a LOT better. We're trying to verbally communicate more and we've worked through some of the issues we had. Which lead me to also realize that maybe because we're still very much "in love" and in the "honeymoon/newlywed phase" (some would say...hahaha)that maybe the physical/intimacy part of it sometimes gets in the way of us actually learning to verbally communicate. I know that there is a definite difference between married couples who sleep in the same bed every night and those who don't. I know there are several studies that show the couples are much more happy when they share the same bed than those who don't.


That all being said....I simply miss sharing one bed with my husband. One amazingly comfy king size bed! Under the same sheets. Maybe not even touching....but simply having him close really does make all the difference. I'm not sure what this road to healing me from cancer all consists of....but I wanted to record this because I want to remember how it feels. So maybe...one day...when it's not so easy for us (which I hope never happens) I can come back and read this...and remember what it's like to be without him. :)

Discouragement.....It happens to the best of us!

So many people have been so impressed with my attitude and upbeat-ness(?) lol through this whole cancer thing. But I've finally hit a stumbling block. Tomorrow will be week 4 of being in this hospital and I think it's finally hit me. I'd say it's mostly because my body (internally) has been at it's worst the past few days. The chemo's almost out of my system and my body is trying to recover on it's own. Which is tough. My counts will come up a little bit, then go down, then up, then down.....that's how it's been for almost a week now. When your body is fighting like that you just feel like crap. And it can easily get discouraging. Because the end to all of this is consistently coming UP...so one morning it'll come up but next morning sink down. I would rather it be consistently bad, then this roller coaster ride. It's just very discouraging. Meanwhile I'm staying cooped up in this room. It's starting to be very hard for me not to resent those in the "outside world"! haha I mean...I laugh....but it's not a good thing. There's just so many things you (meaning me) take for granted on a daily basis. I did realize the shower part of it. But with more and more fevers and more and more sweating them out in gross amounts of sweat...I've grown to appreciate showers on a whole new level. haha Other things like sleeping in the same bed with my husband. I plan to write another blog entry on that. I'll log on Facebook and see people getting together, going to parties, going to events, trying out new hairstyles, enjoying their every day activities and it's very VERY easy to become envious and resent it a little. Of course I know it's not right. And I AM happy for my friends/family....but at your low points sometimes it's hard to focus on positive. Thankfully Bible verse and prayer have been the most help. That and knowing God knows what he's doing...even when I don't. Also all the massive amounts of cards, colored pictures, photos, gifts, balloons....just....everything that show that people care enough to actually send something...it means so much. Especially since "gifts" is my main love language. haha! Anyways...I feel better after getting it out a little. So hopefully I can now go to sleep, sleep well through the night (without breaking into another 103 fever)and wake up to some good news. If not? That's okay! I know it's God's will and I will learn to be content with that! :)

Such a change of life....

So, I woke up pretty early this morning. No particular reason. I guess my body was just done resting. Anyways, I woke up super early...bout 5:30a.m. So, being that I'm in the hospital, of course not long after I wake up someone comes in to do whatever they do! lol So I sat up and started thinking about my day. Then it occurred to me....that normally, I don't get to think about my day before it starts. On a "normal" day I'm woken up by "Good Morning, Momma!" or cries, screams or the horrible stench of poop. haha! I have officially been in the hospital for 2 weeks today. Well...two weeks by this afternoon...but anyways...two weeks. And I for the first time in two weeks I actually woke up and thought about how my day was going to go. The funny thing is? Yeah, nothing is on my agenda! lol I thought about taking a shower...and I really need to, but honestly....it just seems FAR too exhausting. Just for the heck of it...let's go through a list of things I have to do JUST to shower.


Step 1:Call a nurse
Step 2:Unhook my heart monitor
Step 3:Peel off all the stickers from the heart monitor (about 5)
Step 4:Peel the wire off the stickers themselves.
Step 5:Take a sticky-magic-wand thingy and go to each spot the stickers have been and rub off the sticky. Cause trust me, that stuff doesn't just come off in the shower. lol
Step 6:Have nurse tape over my Port.
Step 7:Finally make it to the taking off of the clothes phase.
Step 8:Finally shower...which is exhausting thinking about after I just listed everything above.
Step 9:Get out of shower with help from Theo because I'm terrified of falling in that tiny bathroom.
Step 10:Dry off and put clothes on, not real clothes of course. (figured I'd combine those lol)
Step 11:Call the nurse back in.
Step 12: Have heart monitor stickers replaced.
Step 13: Connect wires to stickers of heart monitor.
Step 14: Plug my heart monitor back in.
Step 15: Have the nurse re bandage my port


I believe that's it. That doesn't include brushing my hair, putting on any kind of deodorant etc. And honestly, blogging this...has simply made me want a nap. haha! So, today, my plans consist of taking a shower that takes at LEAST 15 steps. But before that? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to take a nap! haha!

And on the 3rd Day.......

"God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals. Amen!" hahahaha! Sorry...I couldn't help but quote a little Mean Girls in there! So today is day three which means treatment number two of chemo. I can tell my hairs already hating this life. It does NOT approve of all this.....stuff. LOL So I'm working on getting someone to the hospital to just cut my hair short. Not ready to go bald quite yet (Dr said I won't go bald til after chemo....so in about a month)but it's too long to keep good maintenance. So, I'm working on that. I'm not looking forward to the tiredness I'll feel. I can feel it all start to kick in. I just don't have a ton of energy. My appetite is also like non existent and then ravenous at the worst times. Which basically means I literally FORCED food down my gullet all day, then once it came late night when everything was closed and hubby was already sleeping...that's when I was starved. So I'm going to have Theo run to the store today and pick me up some late night type foods. Cause I've got to keep energy up for chemo. So....besides that...no other issues really. I did take a nice little sleeping pill last night. That helped make up for all the sleeping I was trying to do all day yesterday and the nurses and Dr's wouldn't let me. LOL


I did want to mention publicly in my blog all the help that has been sent either my parents way or my way! I do so enjoy having cards/packages sent my way. And even more so I love knowing my Mom is receiving some help. Cause all my family members are way out of condition from having little one's around and it's seriously turned their house upside down. So because I am those children's mother...I feel a serious guilt/burden to help my parents out as best I can. So when someone sends them something I can't even EXPLAIN to you how much that helps me out! So thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, gifts and love towards me and my family during this time! You find out who your true friends are during times like these and lemme tell you what?! I didn't think I had so many loving/giving friends! :) Thank you!


Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

I wasn't exactly expecting that.....

So, I am about to begin my first chemo treatment in the morning. So far this process has been really nothing but a process for me. "What's the problem?" "We have to do A, B, C to fix it." "Let's get on it" Just a process. I know that God is in control and I was 100% secure in that. I guess it was only a matter of time. Today a friend came to visit me. She basically encouraged me to consider all options before starting chemo. Specifically considering storing my eggs. So I called my Dr to discuss more in detail the risk/time frame...etc. He was pretty straight forward with me. The chances of me being INFERTILE after chemo tends to be way higher than the chances of being fertile. It's more likely that I will be infertile than fertile. Which, obviously when I heard it....took a bit of stab to my heart. After discussing the options for going through a procedure to save and harvest my eggs...we thought...even at an accelerated rate...it'd take probably a week to save my eggs. I have acute Leukemia which means....fast moving. He explained to me that it's totally my choice but the reason they're acting so quickly is because it's not as bad right now. As of now I don't have to have a bone marrow transplant. If I let this prolong...there's no telling exactly what could happen. So...when praying and thinking about it more, I realized....it's not worth risking my life and possibly making things worse. I already have TWO beautiful children who need their mother. How fair would it be to them to risk my life to harvest eggs for a possible 3rd child. When I already have TWO that are here NOW and need me NOW. So, it was definitely a tough blow. I just wasn't expecting those numbers. I wasn't expecting that. I guess I should have expected that....but doesn't change the hurt.


I am 27 years old. I have cancer. I have a family. I have children. I may never be able to have children ever again. That's not something easy to accept. I know God's in control. 100% I know that! 100% I know...that no matter what...if God wants me to have that little girl...I WILL have it! No matter what! It doesn't take away the pain that it may not happen. It doesn't take away the pain that while many other women are growing their families as they planned and it all seems to be fitting into place, I'm sitting in the hospital away from my children with cancer and fighting for my life. Does it make my jealous of them right?! No! Do I feel bitterness to them? Not now. Maybe later. Does that make it okay? No! My heart grieves that I may NEVER again feel a child moving and kicking on the inside of me. It might also come more of a blow because recently I've been really looking into a healthier way to have a baby. Considering all my options. So that probably doesn't help. But still. I just needed to blog my feelings. I'm publicly saying, I understand that some of these feelings aren't okay. Some need to be corrected...and will in time. But I'm hurt. And this is not something easy to handle. But God NEVER gives you anything you can't deal with. And I KNOW that going through this will only strengthen my faith in HIM.


I would like to say, that I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. This is just a "me space" where I can go and talk about how I'm feeling. I'm not looking for comments. I'm not talking or hating anyone specifically. Just venting frustrations and hurts. That's all! This is not a blog post intending to hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, I'm very sorry. Not my intention. I just need to vent and get it out. I hope that God really works on my heart and fast so that I can be happy for others. Also...if you have some correction to make to my choices...please keep it to yourself. I don't need someone commenting telling me options I have or things I could do differently. Theo and I have talked and this is the path we're taking.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
1 Corinthians 10:13 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."