The Mind is an Active Thing

So it is 3a.m. and I can't sleep. Why you might ask? Well it started with a crying baby of course! A certain little boy was crying for his bottle. I had a hard time getting to sleep tonight, so of course as soon as I had to get up with Collin, my brain starts going! When I say going, I mean....BOOKING it!!!! I can't even explain how many things are on my mind. I figured I'd go ahead and blog because most of the time that helps me relax enough to get back to sleep.

For starters, Valentine's Day didn't go quite as I'd hoped. Theo was pretty grumpy all day for some unknown reason. I mean, not the whole day, but off and on. He also was really tried, which probably played a lot into his grumpiness. He's have a lot of frustrations at work. So much so that he doesn't even wanna talk about it. Which worries me! So with all of that, I think he had every right to not be so tuned in. He did a WONDERFUL surprise for me and had the hallway filled with balloons when I woke up at 6a.m. to give Collin a bottle. Of course there were a ton of cards around the house for me to find. I was BEYOND excited! I just love balloons. haha! I'm such a child. So I was VERY much pleased to say the least. We are supposed to go out this weekend for an overnight stay. Which brings me to my next worry.

Leaving my Collin over night for the first time. Anyone who's a mother knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about and this doesn't need further explanation. But for the sake of those who don't know, I'll try and explain it a bit. Collin is MY baby. Yes, I know I grew and birthed him. But seriously. He is so clingy to me and he ADORES me! Flat out adores me. I find him several times a day stopping his play and just staring at me. And soon as I stop what I'm doing to look and smile at him, he gives THE biggest smile anyone can possibly see. He seeks so much approval from me already and it's wonderful. I just love the fact that he loves me so unconditionally. I'm the one that soothes his cries. I'm the one that he cuddles with. I never had this much problem leaving Isaiah because Isaiah is NOT clingy to me. If I left, he simply hollers "Bye Momma!" and goes on about his business. haha! I am probably going to bawl my eyes out leaving him. Not to mention....I'm the best caretaker for my boys. And honestly it bothers me that whoever is going to be with them, won't be able to give them the best. Obviously they won't have the best because their not with their mother who knows them best. So it's just really bothering me. I know it's just one night. And probably once I'm out I'll be okay. But the lead up is getting to be a little too intense. I honestly just wanna take Collin with us. *sigh* That's not going to happen.

On to the next thing plaguing me. Friends. It seems friends are always part of my troubles. The other day I found out two people deleted me on Facebook. TWO! One of them I was VERY happy about. I mean, it kinda still pricks me the wrong way because she's ALWAYS mouthing off very rudely and always has and she has the nerve to get upset because I fight back. So after I got over the initial bit of anger because she had nerve to delete me when SHE was the one being the jerk, I was very very happy with it. Now I won't have to worry about blocking her from commenting on status'. The other I'm was totally surprised about. Surprised and confused. We'd recently worked out an issue and I thought we were on good terms. So obviously imagine my surprise when I find out she deleted me. I do NOT understand. I messaged her and basically said that I was confused by her deleting me and that I kinda wanted some closer. I was confused as to what happened and I was just wondering where we stood. It really does deeply bother me. I really don't have that much of a friendship with this person anymore. But I used to. So it hurts. Pretty badly. I've worked so hard to get things back on to normal/speaking terms with her and then this happens. I think what bothers me most is that I'm just SO confused as to what happened. I thought things were okay. I plan to let that message sit for about two weeks. And if I still don't hear back I plan on just messaging her that I take her silence as "we're not on speaking terms" and that I respect her decision and that I wish her the best in life. I know that not everyone is supposed to last as your friend or a part of your life forever. And I know that I'm grateful for the times I DID have with her. But it stings.

Next topic at hand is kinda swinging back to Valentine's Day. I worked so hard to make Theo something I thought he'd REALLY love. I didn't have any money to spend and he doesn't really like me spending his money (which is ours...but you know what I mean). So imagine my surprise when he really didn't react too much to my gifts. He said he loved them. But he pretty much said that with as much enthusiasm as an insomniac feels when told he/she can't sleep. LOL! So basically none. I was highly disappointed because I worked SO hard. It's just highly upsetting when things don't play out the way you want them to. I always fail when it comes to giving Theo gifts. Well, this past Christmas I did okay because I surprised him by earning extra income and buying him something. But I can't do that every time. I tried and it didn't work out. I don't need him to jump up and down with excitement I just need him to show a little bit more emotion for something I took time to make. Not just run out to the store and buy. I dunno. I'm probably expecting too much and just being silly.


Another issue I'm having. We're supposed to go out Friday night and I basically have nothing to wear. The nice black pants I have came un-hemmed and they look bad. I mean...they're decent....but I really want to look good. Well...on top of that the dark circles under my eyes are just gosh awful. I wanted to go to Ulta and have them help me figure out what's the best way to cover it up (cause I have NO experience with make-up....ever-besides eye make-up). Well the Ulta's a bit too far away to afford the gas. Of course. Also....there are NO cheap plus size clothing. Which makes it frustrating when shopping on a freaking tight budget. I would like to buy an outfit that I can wear a ton more. Like something nice but not too nice. But that's an easy $80 just for a top and pants. Of course I could spend HOURS at the Salvation Army or Value World, but I guarantee you I won't turn up with anything. It's hard to find pants that will fit over my butt and thighs comfortably. Also, I have long legs. So most pants have to be talls in order for them to fit well. I mean, honestly, I should be mad at myself cause I've allowed myself to get this overweight thus making buying/finding clothes harder and more expensive. I mean, I'm working on it, but it takes time. I really need to get to the gym to burn some intense calories, but we don't have gas for that AND I don't have an iPod. It's SO hard working out without one. Especially when you're overweight and 5min on an elliptical will get you SO out of breath. So I'm just irritated because yet again, Friday is just going to be a "piece together what you have the best you can." My make-up won't look like I want it to and my hair (because I haven't had it properly cut) is going to probably look a hot mess. At least my eyebrows are done so that I can wear eye-make up and not look too bad. But the circles are really bad.

These are things that are making my mind RACE and I can't sleep. I'm so tired though. After blogging here, I really don't feel like I've relaxed at all. I guess it's time for plan B. Cozying up on the living room couch, turning on some tv and falling asleep that way. Ugh!

It's 5 O'Clock in the Morning

So I figure since I'm up and unable to sleep I should blog. Maybe it'll relax my mind enough to sleep. I was watching this movie with Sarah Jessica Parker in it. It's called "I Don't Know How She Does It". It was SO very good and true. Basically the story line is she's a working mother of 2. She has a very high demand job and it's about juggling the job along with her husband and 2 children. It was really cute, funny and honest. LOL!!! I laughed quite a bit. Even though I'm not a mom who works out of the home, every interactive mother can relate. For example, I just researched what percentage of woman sleep through the night. Listen to this.

-60 percent of women aged 18 to 64 only get a good night's sleep a few nights per week or less

-67 percent experience sleep problems at least a few nights each week

-46 percent experience sleep problems every night

Isn't that INSANE?!?!?! At least I know I'm not alone! I'd say maybe out of the 7 days of the week, I MIGHT get one good night of sleep. But right now Collin's only 5mo so most nights he cries at some point. So even if Theo gets up to feed him, I still get woken up by his crying. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a good nights rest. Part of the problem is that I can't wind myself down enough to actually get to sleep. I really need to buy some Melatonin. I hear it works wonders. So, being that I can't wind myself down early enough, I end up falling asleep late. Then Collin normally wakes up between 12a.m.-1a.m. so then I have to get up for that. Then once I'm up, I'm up for a good hour...sometimes two. Which puts me going back to bed around 2a.m. RIDICULOUS!!!!! Theo just doesn't get it. For him, he can get up, give the baby a bottle and go right back to sleep and still have an amazing nights rest. Uhm....it doesn't work that way for me. I have to get up, most of the time I'm up. They say sleeping with the TV doesn't help. Negative. It helps me tremendously. I don't know how I'd EVER get to sleep without it. Theo doesn't like it on, so the nights he's home I turn it off....those are my worst nights of sleep most of the time. So, anyways, maybe some day I'll be able to sleep. Maybe some day my active brain won't keep running until all hours of the night. It's like my own body works against me. The dark circles under my eyes just keep getting darker and darker. *sigh* I really REALLY need to get some under eye cream. I'm really beginning to look very scary. So, now that I'm done blogging, I think I've just about tired myself out enough. It's now past 5a.m. and I've been up since 3:30a.m. Just unable to sleep. It really is agonizing when you want so badly to sleep.

It's the small things.....

So, as I was showering tonight, I had a realization. Showering is honestly a luxury. lol So is eating. It sounds silly, but anyone who's a parent will agree. When I got into the shower tonight I realized it'd been 2 days since I had actually showered. Which sounds gross....but honestly, me showering is just not a top priority. Earlier today it occurred to me that it's also a luxury to eat. I had gotten up after a rough night with the boys, pretty early in the morning. I got the boys changed, dressed, 2 different breakfasts. Then I unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. After that I realized I really needed to workout before I got too tired to do so. Well....I worked out pretty hard core today and I felt really light headed. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't eaten ANYTHING nor had I had more than 2 sips of something to drink. I nearly passed out. It's insane how hard it is for a mother to eat. I just never thought I'd have a problem eating. I'm not sure how I'm going to tackle working out and eating. I mean...reminding myself to eat 5x's a day is HARD work! Seriously! I don't have "me" time. And when I finally do, food is not on the top of my list. I guess I'm going to have to work harder at that if I'm going to loose any weight. As for showers, it's very rare when I get to shower every day. Also, it's even MORE rare when I get to have a quiet in peace shower. Either the boys are running around the house making noise, or Isaiah's breaking into the bathroom hollering "Momma! Momma!" There's normally some kind of interruption. So....the moral of this blog? If you're single and don't have children now....enjoy eating and showering to it's fullest extent! :)

A very lonely bed.....

So it's 12:30a.m. and I can't sleep. Theo's gone away to an Ice Rescue Training School in Sakinaw, MI. Which honestly is pretty darn cool. He was actually on the news. It's so awesome! I'm going to post the link at the end of this blog. Anyways, so seeing him on the news actually made me REALLY miss him. So....now I can't sleep. My bed feels so empty. Normally if he were gone Monday that'd mean he'd be home tomorrow (Wednesday). But...sadly he won't be home until Friday. Not sure what time...but he won't be home til then. So, it's just sad. I am grateful though, that he's only gone a week. It could be longer. A lot of military wives down have their husband's for several months. I'm grateful the Coast Guard is more family friendly than that. Otherwise I don't think I'd want to stay in. So, what else do you do when you can't sleep? Clean the kitchen. hahaha! That's right. Cleaning the kitchen. And now that it's all clean...what am I doing? Blogging. For no good reason really. So...I guess that's all I have to say right now. I'm going to finish the blog then try and fall asleep. We'll see how successful I am. :)

P.S. Theo is in the very first scene carrying a yellow stretcher looking thing. He has a yellow tubing around him! :)

http://www.abc12.com/story/16644979/ice-rescue-training-underway-along-saginaw-river

The Fun Part of Being A Parent

So today I must say Theo and I got a good deep belly laugh! I felt the need to blog it and remember it. The incident occurred down in the basement. Theo had been taking care of the boys while I finished napping. He was downstairs at the computer desk doing paper work while Isaiah played around and Collin swung in the baby swing. Well, when I woke up a mosied on downstairs to see what was going on. After sitting on the stairs observing for awhile and chatting Collin proceeds to get very discontent in his swing. He starts to fuss/cry. Isaiah then starts running around the basement searching for something. I asked him what he was looking for and he ignores me. He then finds this rod of some sort. I don't even know what it was too. Then he runs over to Collin and starts singing him a song. When Collin proceeds to get even more upset and is full on crying Isaiah exasperatedly shrugged his shoulders walked away and said "I tried!" and threw his hands in the air! It was by far one of THE funniest things he's ever done before!!!! What was even more humerus to Theo and I was the fact that Isaiah wasn't even paying attention to the fact that we were there. He was simply trying to make his baby brother stop crying. It was so awesome! Things like that are SO hilarious but they are also so heart warming at the same time. That Isaiah is a very funny little boy!

The Diary of A Poor Fed Up Momma

Dear Diary,
I am so fed up with my hair loss. Having a baby is grand and all, however the problems that come along with growing/having a baby....is sometimes a bit too much! During pregnancy there's constant problems. Especially for me being that I have FAT babies! haha! There's the frequent peeing (every 5 minutes give or take a few minutes), almost constant lower back pain, heartburn, gag reflex, I mean....there's just general problems of pregnancy. Then after you have the baby, you'd expect to heal from the delivery and move on. But no! That's not the way it works. Just when you start feeling 100% back to yourself, you're fully healed, back on a steady routine, you're hair starts falling out. DRASTICALLY! Not just here or there. It's like you wake up one morning and all of a sudden you've been attacked by the Hair Monster and there's hair every where. And showering? Ugh! A shower used to be such a pleasure. A brief way to relax. Now? Now it's just a constant effort to keep the wads of hair from going down the drain causing yet another problem. I am grateful though. Our shower has a window in it....and being that our next door neighbors have moved, I can shower with the window partially opened and let the hair fly out the window. It'll give the birds and squirrels something to build their nests with. Heck! By now, they could probably knit themselves a sweater. Probably for their whole family. Anywho, so....there's the hair loss. Well....in addition to not feeling "hot" "sexy" (I hardly remember what those words mean)there's always the constant struggle of money. *sigh* I really don't love money. It just creates constant issues. Well, the moral of this story is....when you're fed up with hair falling out and you have no money, what happens? You end up standing in front of your bathroom mirror with recently washed hair, tied off in a ponytail and a pair of scissors. Yes Diary! That's correct. I cut off my own hair. It went from mid back length to just above the shoulders. I even decided to keep my hair in a baggy so I could see it in the future. It was quite a lot. haha! It was the first time I've ever put scissors to my hair. So needless to say, I didn't do too bad of a job. And the hair hasn't been as big of a problem. I mean, it's still falling out, but without the extra long hairs, it's not as bad. Eventually, when we might have a bit of spending money, I'm going to get a proper hair cut, but this'll do for now. :)

Totem Pole.....

So, I just want to admit openly that this particular blog entry WILL be selfish and whining and probably sound very ungrateful. I just wanted to go ahead and say that up front, because I know I'm basically having a pity party for myself.

I just need to get some things off my heart and maybe then they can stop nagging me and go away. I continue to pray about this because the last thing I've ever wanted to be is a selfish/narcissistic person. I also have always tried to keep my focus on things that are more long term than superficial. I know that Matthew 6:19-21 says "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:20But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I truly and honestly try to live by that. Things of this earth mean nothing. But lately I've been struggling. I love being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong. But it's EXHAUSTING! And honestly I think that's what's got my guard down. It's very very easy to be tempted by the world. Anyways, we recently celebrated Christmas. I didn't get anything. We didn't have money so I knew I wouldn't. And Christmas IS NOT about gifts. But I sold some of my stuff in order to surprise Theo and buy him Christmas gifts. The boys got stuff someone gave us. And thankfully Amberleigh sent a gift and it was a really cute purse I'm currently using. But...I dunno...maybe I don't really feel like it's a Christmas gift I want...but I want to be spoiled. I want gifts. I'm not trying to make Theo sound like a jerk or anything. I know he felt SOOOO bad and that's why I can't really talk to him about it. He did get me a really nice card and some mini snickers, which was thoughtful. They were in my stocking. But it's very hard to be happy and content when everyone around you it seems like is getting everything they want and more. All year (2011) all I heard from quite a few people was how they had no money blah blah blah. Well tell me why, come Christmas time they all of a sudden are getting a whole bunch of stuff?!?! I got nothing. How does that work? I mean...I find myself wanting to be SO spoiled. I dunno. I don't think I'm really that type of person...and I really don't want to be...but it honestly feels like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole. Everyone gets what they need/want but me. The boys of course are at the top of the list. Then Theo because he has to have certain things because of work. Which is TOTALLY understandable. But that puts me at the bottom. I mean...I would like to go out shopping and buy whatever I want. I would like for once, to not take diapers over getting myself some new underwear. Honestly, I do want some fancy things. I mean jewelry would be nice. Something I LIKE! Not something Theo likes. Something I like! I also really want a Coach purse, UGG boots, iPod and Kindle. But honestly....most of the stuff I want is stuff I need. All woman can relate....we feel pretty when we dress pretty. When we feel we have what we need. I can't even remember the last time I got my eyebrows done. I hate my wardrobe. It's the same freaking 5 outfits again and again. Thankfully after Christmas my new friend LaToya gave us Christmas gifts. She bought me an outfit! It was THE cutest!!!! I loved it! Unfortunately because it's the only new thing I have....I feel like it's already worn out, cause everyone notices when I wear something new cause it's normally the same 5 outfits...so wearing that shirt they can tell right away it's new. And I dunno. That may sound dumb. But I just don't feel like a woman. And it upsets me. I try to do what I can....but it's a struggle. I don't have a lot of time to even take a shower. How do I do more? And as far as money....I'm just the last one to always get anything. I'm not saying I don't like sacrificing for my family, because I'd honestly rather take it then the boys or Theo. But....I guess I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to feel appreciated. I want to be romanced/spoiled above and beyond. I love surprises....I always hold my breath when I see a UPS or Fed-Ex truck hoping maybe somebody is surprisingly sending me a package of goodies. Or even a surprise personal letter in the mail. I did enjoy Christmas cause I always had a Christmas card in the mail...and that was nice. But I dunno....I don't only wanna feel appreciate by my husband, I want to feel appreciated by my family and friends. I can't remember the last time I had a friend give me a gift. Rachel sent me a gift for Collin which was super sweet because besides our neighbors (who are new friends) no one else sent anything. I dunno...I think I just need to stop complaining now. Because I think I sound like a big baby. I'm going to keep praying and hope that God takes this off my heart.