The Mind is an Active Thing

So it is 3a.m. and I can't sleep. Why you might ask? Well it started with a crying baby of course! A certain little boy was crying for his bottle. I had a hard time getting to sleep tonight, so of course as soon as I had to get up with Collin, my brain starts going! When I say going, I mean....BOOKING it!!!! I can't even explain how many things are on my mind. I figured I'd go ahead and blog because most of the time that helps me relax enough to get back to sleep.

For starters, Valentine's Day didn't go quite as I'd hoped. Theo was pretty grumpy all day for some unknown reason. I mean, not the whole day, but off and on. He also was really tried, which probably played a lot into his grumpiness. He's have a lot of frustrations at work. So much so that he doesn't even wanna talk about it. Which worries me! So with all of that, I think he had every right to not be so tuned in. He did a WONDERFUL surprise for me and had the hallway filled with balloons when I woke up at 6a.m. to give Collin a bottle. Of course there were a ton of cards around the house for me to find. I was BEYOND excited! I just love balloons. haha! I'm such a child. So I was VERY much pleased to say the least. We are supposed to go out this weekend for an overnight stay. Which brings me to my next worry.

Leaving my Collin over night for the first time. Anyone who's a mother knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about and this doesn't need further explanation. But for the sake of those who don't know, I'll try and explain it a bit. Collin is MY baby. Yes, I know I grew and birthed him. But seriously. He is so clingy to me and he ADORES me! Flat out adores me. I find him several times a day stopping his play and just staring at me. And soon as I stop what I'm doing to look and smile at him, he gives THE biggest smile anyone can possibly see. He seeks so much approval from me already and it's wonderful. I just love the fact that he loves me so unconditionally. I'm the one that soothes his cries. I'm the one that he cuddles with. I never had this much problem leaving Isaiah because Isaiah is NOT clingy to me. If I left, he simply hollers "Bye Momma!" and goes on about his business. haha! I am probably going to bawl my eyes out leaving him. Not to mention....I'm the best caretaker for my boys. And honestly it bothers me that whoever is going to be with them, won't be able to give them the best. Obviously they won't have the best because their not with their mother who knows them best. So it's just really bothering me. I know it's just one night. And probably once I'm out I'll be okay. But the lead up is getting to be a little too intense. I honestly just wanna take Collin with us. *sigh* That's not going to happen.

On to the next thing plaguing me. Friends. It seems friends are always part of my troubles. The other day I found out two people deleted me on Facebook. TWO! One of them I was VERY happy about. I mean, it kinda still pricks me the wrong way because she's ALWAYS mouthing off very rudely and always has and she has the nerve to get upset because I fight back. So after I got over the initial bit of anger because she had nerve to delete me when SHE was the one being the jerk, I was very very happy with it. Now I won't have to worry about blocking her from commenting on status'. The other I'm was totally surprised about. Surprised and confused. We'd recently worked out an issue and I thought we were on good terms. So obviously imagine my surprise when I find out she deleted me. I do NOT understand. I messaged her and basically said that I was confused by her deleting me and that I kinda wanted some closer. I was confused as to what happened and I was just wondering where we stood. It really does deeply bother me. I really don't have that much of a friendship with this person anymore. But I used to. So it hurts. Pretty badly. I've worked so hard to get things back on to normal/speaking terms with her and then this happens. I think what bothers me most is that I'm just SO confused as to what happened. I thought things were okay. I plan to let that message sit for about two weeks. And if I still don't hear back I plan on just messaging her that I take her silence as "we're not on speaking terms" and that I respect her decision and that I wish her the best in life. I know that not everyone is supposed to last as your friend or a part of your life forever. And I know that I'm grateful for the times I DID have with her. But it stings.

Next topic at hand is kinda swinging back to Valentine's Day. I worked so hard to make Theo something I thought he'd REALLY love. I didn't have any money to spend and he doesn't really like me spending his money (which is ours...but you know what I mean). So imagine my surprise when he really didn't react too much to my gifts. He said he loved them. But he pretty much said that with as much enthusiasm as an insomniac feels when told he/she can't sleep. LOL! So basically none. I was highly disappointed because I worked SO hard. It's just highly upsetting when things don't play out the way you want them to. I always fail when it comes to giving Theo gifts. Well, this past Christmas I did okay because I surprised him by earning extra income and buying him something. But I can't do that every time. I tried and it didn't work out. I don't need him to jump up and down with excitement I just need him to show a little bit more emotion for something I took time to make. Not just run out to the store and buy. I dunno. I'm probably expecting too much and just being silly.


Another issue I'm having. We're supposed to go out Friday night and I basically have nothing to wear. The nice black pants I have came un-hemmed and they look bad. I mean...they're decent....but I really want to look good. Well...on top of that the dark circles under my eyes are just gosh awful. I wanted to go to Ulta and have them help me figure out what's the best way to cover it up (cause I have NO experience with make-up....ever-besides eye make-up). Well the Ulta's a bit too far away to afford the gas. Of course. Also....there are NO cheap plus size clothing. Which makes it frustrating when shopping on a freaking tight budget. I would like to buy an outfit that I can wear a ton more. Like something nice but not too nice. But that's an easy $80 just for a top and pants. Of course I could spend HOURS at the Salvation Army or Value World, but I guarantee you I won't turn up with anything. It's hard to find pants that will fit over my butt and thighs comfortably. Also, I have long legs. So most pants have to be talls in order for them to fit well. I mean, honestly, I should be mad at myself cause I've allowed myself to get this overweight thus making buying/finding clothes harder and more expensive. I mean, I'm working on it, but it takes time. I really need to get to the gym to burn some intense calories, but we don't have gas for that AND I don't have an iPod. It's SO hard working out without one. Especially when you're overweight and 5min on an elliptical will get you SO out of breath. So I'm just irritated because yet again, Friday is just going to be a "piece together what you have the best you can." My make-up won't look like I want it to and my hair (because I haven't had it properly cut) is going to probably look a hot mess. At least my eyebrows are done so that I can wear eye-make up and not look too bad. But the circles are really bad.

These are things that are making my mind RACE and I can't sleep. I'm so tired though. After blogging here, I really don't feel like I've relaxed at all. I guess it's time for plan B. Cozying up on the living room couch, turning on some tv and falling asleep that way. Ugh!