Totem Pole.....

So, I just want to admit openly that this particular blog entry WILL be selfish and whining and probably sound very ungrateful. I just wanted to go ahead and say that up front, because I know I'm basically having a pity party for myself.

I just need to get some things off my heart and maybe then they can stop nagging me and go away. I continue to pray about this because the last thing I've ever wanted to be is a selfish/narcissistic person. I also have always tried to keep my focus on things that are more long term than superficial. I know that Matthew 6:19-21 says "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:20But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I truly and honestly try to live by that. Things of this earth mean nothing. But lately I've been struggling. I love being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong. But it's EXHAUSTING! And honestly I think that's what's got my guard down. It's very very easy to be tempted by the world. Anyways, we recently celebrated Christmas. I didn't get anything. We didn't have money so I knew I wouldn't. And Christmas IS NOT about gifts. But I sold some of my stuff in order to surprise Theo and buy him Christmas gifts. The boys got stuff someone gave us. And thankfully Amberleigh sent a gift and it was a really cute purse I'm currently using. But...I dunno...maybe I don't really feel like it's a Christmas gift I want...but I want to be spoiled. I want gifts. I'm not trying to make Theo sound like a jerk or anything. I know he felt SOOOO bad and that's why I can't really talk to him about it. He did get me a really nice card and some mini snickers, which was thoughtful. They were in my stocking. But it's very hard to be happy and content when everyone around you it seems like is getting everything they want and more. All year (2011) all I heard from quite a few people was how they had no money blah blah blah. Well tell me why, come Christmas time they all of a sudden are getting a whole bunch of stuff?!?! I got nothing. How does that work? I mean...I find myself wanting to be SO spoiled. I dunno. I don't think I'm really that type of person...and I really don't want to be...but it honestly feels like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole. Everyone gets what they need/want but me. The boys of course are at the top of the list. Then Theo because he has to have certain things because of work. Which is TOTALLY understandable. But that puts me at the bottom. I mean...I would like to go out shopping and buy whatever I want. I would like for once, to not take diapers over getting myself some new underwear. Honestly, I do want some fancy things. I mean jewelry would be nice. Something I LIKE! Not something Theo likes. Something I like! I also really want a Coach purse, UGG boots, iPod and Kindle. But honestly....most of the stuff I want is stuff I need. All woman can relate....we feel pretty when we dress pretty. When we feel we have what we need. I can't even remember the last time I got my eyebrows done. I hate my wardrobe. It's the same freaking 5 outfits again and again. Thankfully after Christmas my new friend LaToya gave us Christmas gifts. She bought me an outfit! It was THE cutest!!!! I loved it! Unfortunately because it's the only new thing I have....I feel like it's already worn out, cause everyone notices when I wear something new cause it's normally the same 5 outfits...so wearing that shirt they can tell right away it's new. And I dunno. That may sound dumb. But I just don't feel like a woman. And it upsets me. I try to do what I can....but it's a struggle. I don't have a lot of time to even take a shower. How do I do more? And as far as money....I'm just the last one to always get anything. I'm not saying I don't like sacrificing for my family, because I'd honestly rather take it then the boys or Theo. But....I guess I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to feel appreciated. I want to be romanced/spoiled above and beyond. I love surprises....I always hold my breath when I see a UPS or Fed-Ex truck hoping maybe somebody is surprisingly sending me a package of goodies. Or even a surprise personal letter in the mail. I did enjoy Christmas cause I always had a Christmas card in the mail...and that was nice. But I dunno....I don't only wanna feel appreciate by my husband, I want to feel appreciated by my family and friends. I can't remember the last time I had a friend give me a gift. Rachel sent me a gift for Collin which was super sweet because besides our neighbors (who are new friends) no one else sent anything. I dunno...I think I just need to stop complaining now. Because I think I sound like a big baby. I'm going to keep praying and hope that God takes this off my heart.