A very lonely bed.....

So it's 12:30a.m. and I can't sleep. Theo's gone away to an Ice Rescue Training School in Sakinaw, MI. Which honestly is pretty darn cool. He was actually on the news. It's so awesome! I'm going to post the link at the end of this blog. Anyways, so seeing him on the news actually made me REALLY miss him. So....now I can't sleep. My bed feels so empty. Normally if he were gone Monday that'd mean he'd be home tomorrow (Wednesday). But...sadly he won't be home until Friday. Not sure what time...but he won't be home til then. So, it's just sad. I am grateful though, that he's only gone a week. It could be longer. A lot of military wives down have their husband's for several months. I'm grateful the Coast Guard is more family friendly than that. Otherwise I don't think I'd want to stay in. So, what else do you do when you can't sleep? Clean the kitchen. hahaha! That's right. Cleaning the kitchen. And now that it's all clean...what am I doing? Blogging. For no good reason really. So...I guess that's all I have to say right now. I'm going to finish the blog then try and fall asleep. We'll see how successful I am. :)

P.S. Theo is in the very first scene carrying a yellow stretcher looking thing. He has a yellow tubing around him! :)

http://www.abc12.com/story/16644979/ice-rescue-training-underway-along-saginaw-river

The Fun Part of Being A Parent

So today I must say Theo and I got a good deep belly laugh! I felt the need to blog it and remember it. The incident occurred down in the basement. Theo had been taking care of the boys while I finished napping. He was downstairs at the computer desk doing paper work while Isaiah played around and Collin swung in the baby swing. Well, when I woke up a mosied on downstairs to see what was going on. After sitting on the stairs observing for awhile and chatting Collin proceeds to get very discontent in his swing. He starts to fuss/cry. Isaiah then starts running around the basement searching for something. I asked him what he was looking for and he ignores me. He then finds this rod of some sort. I don't even know what it was too. Then he runs over to Collin and starts singing him a song. When Collin proceeds to get even more upset and is full on crying Isaiah exasperatedly shrugged his shoulders walked away and said "I tried!" and threw his hands in the air! It was by far one of THE funniest things he's ever done before!!!! What was even more humerus to Theo and I was the fact that Isaiah wasn't even paying attention to the fact that we were there. He was simply trying to make his baby brother stop crying. It was so awesome! Things like that are SO hilarious but they are also so heart warming at the same time. That Isaiah is a very funny little boy!

The Diary of A Poor Fed Up Momma

Dear Diary,
I am so fed up with my hair loss. Having a baby is grand and all, however the problems that come along with growing/having a baby....is sometimes a bit too much! During pregnancy there's constant problems. Especially for me being that I have FAT babies! haha! There's the frequent peeing (every 5 minutes give or take a few minutes), almost constant lower back pain, heartburn, gag reflex, I mean....there's just general problems of pregnancy. Then after you have the baby, you'd expect to heal from the delivery and move on. But no! That's not the way it works. Just when you start feeling 100% back to yourself, you're fully healed, back on a steady routine, you're hair starts falling out. DRASTICALLY! Not just here or there. It's like you wake up one morning and all of a sudden you've been attacked by the Hair Monster and there's hair every where. And showering? Ugh! A shower used to be such a pleasure. A brief way to relax. Now? Now it's just a constant effort to keep the wads of hair from going down the drain causing yet another problem. I am grateful though. Our shower has a window in it....and being that our next door neighbors have moved, I can shower with the window partially opened and let the hair fly out the window. It'll give the birds and squirrels something to build their nests with. Heck! By now, they could probably knit themselves a sweater. Probably for their whole family. Anywho, so....there's the hair loss. Well....in addition to not feeling "hot" "sexy" (I hardly remember what those words mean)there's always the constant struggle of money. *sigh* I really don't love money. It just creates constant issues. Well, the moral of this story is....when you're fed up with hair falling out and you have no money, what happens? You end up standing in front of your bathroom mirror with recently washed hair, tied off in a ponytail and a pair of scissors. Yes Diary! That's correct. I cut off my own hair. It went from mid back length to just above the shoulders. I even decided to keep my hair in a baggy so I could see it in the future. It was quite a lot. haha! It was the first time I've ever put scissors to my hair. So needless to say, I didn't do too bad of a job. And the hair hasn't been as big of a problem. I mean, it's still falling out, but without the extra long hairs, it's not as bad. Eventually, when we might have a bit of spending money, I'm going to get a proper hair cut, but this'll do for now. :)

Totem Pole.....

So, I just want to admit openly that this particular blog entry WILL be selfish and whining and probably sound very ungrateful. I just wanted to go ahead and say that up front, because I know I'm basically having a pity party for myself.

I just need to get some things off my heart and maybe then they can stop nagging me and go away. I continue to pray about this because the last thing I've ever wanted to be is a selfish/narcissistic person. I also have always tried to keep my focus on things that are more long term than superficial. I know that Matthew 6:19-21 says "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:20But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I truly and honestly try to live by that. Things of this earth mean nothing. But lately I've been struggling. I love being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong. But it's EXHAUSTING! And honestly I think that's what's got my guard down. It's very very easy to be tempted by the world. Anyways, we recently celebrated Christmas. I didn't get anything. We didn't have money so I knew I wouldn't. And Christmas IS NOT about gifts. But I sold some of my stuff in order to surprise Theo and buy him Christmas gifts. The boys got stuff someone gave us. And thankfully Amberleigh sent a gift and it was a really cute purse I'm currently using. But...I dunno...maybe I don't really feel like it's a Christmas gift I want...but I want to be spoiled. I want gifts. I'm not trying to make Theo sound like a jerk or anything. I know he felt SOOOO bad and that's why I can't really talk to him about it. He did get me a really nice card and some mini snickers, which was thoughtful. They were in my stocking. But it's very hard to be happy and content when everyone around you it seems like is getting everything they want and more. All year (2011) all I heard from quite a few people was how they had no money blah blah blah. Well tell me why, come Christmas time they all of a sudden are getting a whole bunch of stuff?!?! I got nothing. How does that work? I mean...I find myself wanting to be SO spoiled. I dunno. I don't think I'm really that type of person...and I really don't want to be...but it honestly feels like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole. Everyone gets what they need/want but me. The boys of course are at the top of the list. Then Theo because he has to have certain things because of work. Which is TOTALLY understandable. But that puts me at the bottom. I mean...I would like to go out shopping and buy whatever I want. I would like for once, to not take diapers over getting myself some new underwear. Honestly, I do want some fancy things. I mean jewelry would be nice. Something I LIKE! Not something Theo likes. Something I like! I also really want a Coach purse, UGG boots, iPod and Kindle. But honestly....most of the stuff I want is stuff I need. All woman can relate....we feel pretty when we dress pretty. When we feel we have what we need. I can't even remember the last time I got my eyebrows done. I hate my wardrobe. It's the same freaking 5 outfits again and again. Thankfully after Christmas my new friend LaToya gave us Christmas gifts. She bought me an outfit! It was THE cutest!!!! I loved it! Unfortunately because it's the only new thing I have....I feel like it's already worn out, cause everyone notices when I wear something new cause it's normally the same 5 outfits...so wearing that shirt they can tell right away it's new. And I dunno. That may sound dumb. But I just don't feel like a woman. And it upsets me. I try to do what I can....but it's a struggle. I don't have a lot of time to even take a shower. How do I do more? And as far as money....I'm just the last one to always get anything. I'm not saying I don't like sacrificing for my family, because I'd honestly rather take it then the boys or Theo. But....I guess I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to feel appreciated. I want to be romanced/spoiled above and beyond. I love surprises....I always hold my breath when I see a UPS or Fed-Ex truck hoping maybe somebody is surprisingly sending me a package of goodies. Or even a surprise personal letter in the mail. I did enjoy Christmas cause I always had a Christmas card in the mail...and that was nice. But I dunno....I don't only wanna feel appreciate by my husband, I want to feel appreciated by my family and friends. I can't remember the last time I had a friend give me a gift. Rachel sent me a gift for Collin which was super sweet because besides our neighbors (who are new friends) no one else sent anything. I dunno...I think I just need to stop complaining now. Because I think I sound like a big baby. I'm going to keep praying and hope that God takes this off my heart.

Guess Who's 4 Months?!

I really can't believe it's here! Mr Collin Henry has turned 4months! Seriously...where did this time go?! How do babies grow so fast?! It makes me sad! Collin is the sweetest most wonderful baby ever! :) Imagine this, he's ACTUALLY a Momma's boy! After having Isaiah I doubted whether a baby could ever bond with me, snuggle or want me! lol God blessed me with a precious gift and his name is Collin! He A-D-O-R-E-S me!!!!! I love it! I'm the only one that can calm him down when he's upset and most of the time he prefers to be with me. And it's not annoying at all! If he gets too clingy we simply use the Moby wrap which he loves anyways! So it all works out! So let's get some stats on Mr Collin! :)

Nicknames: CeeBees, Ceebs, Uncle, Uncle Ceebs, Tunckles, Boo-Boos and Boo Boo Bunny

Favorite Foods: Formula! Momma's very disappointed that someone is such a slow eater (*cough*collin*cough*)Momma could nurse AND keep up with big brother Isaiah. Which is sad because it was going SO very well!

Favorite Toys:His jungle gym play mat with hanging toys (he spends many hours a day playing/hitting them in his play pen)

Favorite Comforts: Thumb, Soft blanky (most of the time it's the blue polka dot one with Isaiah's name on it. lol)and his Momma! :)

Weight: 16lbs 12oz

Height:25inches

Family Doctor: Dr Katrina Severance-We ADOOOOOORE her! :)

Sleep Patterns: Pretty much sleeps through night. If he wakes it's normally for a feeding round 11p.m/12a.m. ish. He also really only takes 1 nap a day with his big brother Isaiah around 11a.m. Goes to bed at 5:30p.m. wakes up round 6a.m. and talks and laughs with himself until Momma gets him. He sleeps VERY well. Did I mention he's now sharing a room with his big brother? Both do VERY well!


Developments: He can sit up in things like his Excersaucer, Jonny Jump-Up, he can roll over but doesn't a lot, laughing (not a ton, but he can really really laugh), and adoring his older brother.

Fun Stuff: Collin LOVES his older brother. He always watches him very intently wishing he could do the things his brother does. When he cries his brother consoles him and he likes that. Also...Collin is a "Grabby Baby" He loves to grab things. When he was in the womb I always had these pains like he was grabbing at some of my body parts. Well apparently I was right. Because now that he's out, ever since he was born he's gripped EVERYTHING! It's quite adorable!


So there's a summary of my precious baby boy! He's growing so very quickly! :)

A Good Friend.....

I just wanted to take a bit of time, because you know I ALWAYS blog haha, to give a shout out to someone who's been a good friend to me in this past year...well a bit longer...but still. lol Deb Filipe! I have just been so encouraged by our friendship. I appreciate it. Just recently we had a bit of a "spat". That was more on my part then hers, but it honestly felt so good to be honest with someone and share my feelings (even if they weren't right sometimes lol) and have her respond the way a friend should. With love and understanding...oh and much forgiveness. LOL It was so nerve racking and I was so upset about expressing myself that I literally couldn't sleep. I was afraid our friendship would deteriorate because of me being honest. I sighed with relief when reading her email back to me. I've obviously been going through a bit of a rough time recently (mostly the depression) and she was more than forgiving and understanding of how I might perceive things. So this blog is to you Deb! Thank you for so many laughs and awesome "girl talks" and for always being honest with me and being so forgiving of my craizness! Oh! And for birthing the most gorgeous baby girl I've ever seen! Ariela seriously needs to come live with me! And also for our Skype dates! You're awesome! Thank you for cherishing this friendship as much as I do! :)

The Joys of Being a Parent

So, I don't have much time to blog these days. My hands are VERY full! I want to so badly (I still need to do a monthly update on Collin)but seriously, time is always slipping out of my hands. But I wanted to take a moment to talk about parenthood. After I finally recovered from all of my surgeries with Isaiah, I enjoyed being a Mother so much. So much so that when he was 10mo we thought it a great idea to add to the family. lol We weren't trying, but we just thought it best to just let it happen when it happens and not prevent. SO....thus I conceived Collin. I very much wanted a girl and was heart broken when we found out I was having another boy. Now, everyone who's been pregnant knows, sometimes your hormones just won't let you be rational. I honestly held it against Collin that he was a boy. I didn't like him very much. I mean, I was excited to have another baby but at my hormonal pregnant time, I just felt resentful. lol It sounds stupid, but everyone who's been pregnant can understand! I also have always loved children. I want quite a few. So I was excited in general to be expanding our family to 4. So, anyways, *stops to scold Isaiah and tell him to get off the toy basket by the living room window before he falls* *Isaiah then continues to climb from the basket to the baby swing* *I sigh and give up* when due day finally came I was just about over the fact that he was a boy, though still kinda holding my breath he might just be a girl. LOL After they pulled him out, I felt no pain, and just LOOOOVED this c-section far more than the last, I was over it! I saw him, kissed him and loved him. After the operation and Collin was in the NICU I felt strangely detached. Especially after the meds wore off. It just felt unreal and being that I could hardly hold him it just only emphasized my sense of unreality. Things just felt odd. Then when I had to leave him at the hospital and go home, I felt more sadness than I think I've ever felt. I kept a VERY strong brave face and always reminded myself that we were doing what's best for him. I stayed very dedicated to pumping so that my boy could have the best. That's what I mainly focused on....besides our daily trips to the hospital to just sit and hold his finger (occasionally hold him)I focused on pumping. I also at the time was starting to feel very much more detached from reality. I was suffering from pain a lot as well. The Dr's refused to give me something I knew would work so I basically suffered from pain. Next time I WILL be getting percocet. I think the pain and not having my child home only added to everything. After Collin FINALLY came home, my Mom left and Theo went back to work, I found myself alone with a newborn (who I hadn't had any time to bond with) a 18mo (not quite 18mo) and a body that wasn't really able to do very much at all. By that point it'd barely been a week since the c-section. Like a week and maybe 3 days? Something like that. I began to just feel defeated. I had no strength, no energy, no bond with this new child, another child who needed my constant attention....it was just H-A-R-D. That's the best way to say it. HARD! If people think they've been through hard times themselves...try adding 2 infant lives you're in charge of. Boy....just intense. Anyways, SO...here I was basically just doing what it took to survive the day. I began to feel even more detached from my children. When Isaiah would put a hand on my leg, I literally would fight the urge to throw up. It was heart breaking. How could a mother feel this way about her children? I didn't want to hold Collin...I didn't even want to look at him. I just didn't want to exist. Everyone kept telling me to hold on and that things would get better. I did. I hung on for dear life. I kept reminding myself when I felt I simply could not take anymore, that it WOULD get better. My depression seemed to disappear eventually. I began to WANT to hold Collin, touches from Isaiah didn't make me sick to my stomach. I finally though "I'm exhausted beyond belief, but we're doing better!" Well...famous last words, I then quickly plummeted into a severe depression. Theo was finally home more, but I could NOT pull myself out of major amounts of sadness. I began to want to be separated from anyone but my boys or Theo. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Picking up my cell phone off the table was literally a MAJOR effort. It felt heavy and it just was painful to text much less make a phone call. Something so simple became so very difficult for me. Other things became problems. I no longer wanted to go outdoors. I didn't want to drive. I didn't want to do everything that used to make me happy. I cried myself to sleep for no particular reason. Every single day that I woke up the first thought in my head was "How can I just get this day over with." I just wanted to lay in my bed and never move. I was bonding with Collin much better and he was just about the only thing on a regular basis that would make me feel semi-happy. I was very pleased with that due to the rough start we had. I finally decided that enough was enough. If I let this continue something very bad was going to happen. I hadn't had thought of wanting to take away my life or anyone else's, but I figured it was probably soon around the corner with the way that every day increasingly got harder and harder to deal with. I finally went to my regular Dr (who, may I mention, is the best Dr I've ever had!)and she basically said "if it's to the point where you feel the need to seek help, you need help." We finally got me put on some medicine. After about 4 days (after experiencing light headaches and dizziness) every morning started to increasingly get better. When I finally woke up excited about what the day held, I knew I was in the clear. So basically, all of this was to say, I am SO happy to be a parent. I am starting to enjoy being a parent again and it feels so good. It's not an easy job by any means, but I am now starting to appreciate every second I have with my 2 ever growing boys! I love them with so much more than words can ever describe. And I've been blessed with 2 boys who honestly are pretty well behaved, for their age anyways. I am excited to see what the future holds for us. Now I must go and get Isaiah some late lunch (we woke up late) and then we all must go down for naps! Yipee!