The struggles of a miscarriage....

Wow! I just had NO idea how much you can struggle from having a miscarriage. It's a WHOLE roller coaster of emotions. It's so very difficult. I just had no idea. Since becoming pregnant with Isaiah I had always thought about "What if I had a miscarriage?" I mean....it's only natural. But I succesfully had Isaiah so I thought I was on the high road far from bad things that can happen during pregnancy. So....since having Isaiah it has been a struggle to become pregnant again. I got pregnant SO quickly with Isaiah. I just don't understand. Right away I was pregnant. And then....not that we were exactly trying, but Isaiah is plain spoiled. He needs another sibling. And Theo and I both feel we're ready for another baby. We love babies. So, naturally...even though we weren't "trying" we figured it'd be any day now that we'd find out I was pregnant again. Well meanwhile, while I struggle to be okay with not being pregnant right away. And also struggling with SEVERE PMS to the point where it basically is like I'm pregnant. Everyone around me pops up pregnant. It's so very hard. Just about everyone I know that is married right now...is pregnant. :( It's SO very hard to deal with. I don't understand it. I just keep reminding myself that God has a master plan. And even if I'm not aware of what it is etc...that I should be confident in the fact that it is HIS plan and HE is in control. That is SO much easier said than done. SOOOOOO much! I keep praying that God give me peace. And towards the end of December...even though I was having MAJOR pregnancy symptoms, I just ignored them and continued to live life. I of course hoped I was pregnant.....but at the same time, I thought I was going to be okay if I wasn't. Well...all of a sudden my boobs produce milk again and I think "THIS MUST BE IT!!!!" So I take a test and VIOLA! Hannah's pregnant! I was so very excited and happy. I finally felt like I wasn't a failure. Like I had finally done something right and that my pregnancy symptoms were in fact pregnancy symptoms and not just severe PMS. So....of course I was totally over joyed. And lemme tell you. When a women finds out she's pregnant.....that cell...that isn't quite done replicating yet and etc....automatically becomes a baby. It doesn't matter anything else. It's a baby. So I automatically jump ahead to when the due date might be. Not feeling the greastest that I'd have to go through the whole summer pregnant. But praising God that I'm finally pregnant and that it's not impossible. Well it's amazing how quickly you can come crashing down. Oh...is it amazing! The very next day I start bleeding and cramping. Actually, the new me stayed very positive through all of it! The old me would've been negative right away and said "Nope....It's a miscarriage and there's nothing to change that." Well...something in me wanted to hold on and think "MAYBE! Maybe this is just a weird fluke thingy! Maybe I will still have a full term pregnancy and maybe I will have another little boy or a little girl." I don't know what made me do this. And to be honest...even though I'm 99.9% sure that I am having a miscarriage....I still am holding on to that .1% chance that I'm still pregnant. Although I just highly doubt it. There's been far too much blood clotting and cramping and pain in general. It's so very sad. I want my husband to be with me. But he has to work. Thankfully Isaiah is doing really well. He hasn't been too much to deal with...because it's REALLY hard to pick him up. I have a lot of lower abdominal pain. So, I do thank God for that. And when I woke up this morning, Isaiah and I prayed this prayer. "Dear Heavenly Father. We want to thank you for allowing Momma to have a very healthy pregnancy and bringing Isaiah into the world. He is a healthy, intelligent little boy and we thank you for that Father. We thank you, that you have blessed both Momma and Daddy with such a wonderful gift as a son. We also want to thank for allowing Momma to get pregnant. Even if it didn't last, we want to thank you for allowing Momma to know that YOU can create life in her again. And please allow her to trust in what she doesn't know or understand. And help her see that it is for YOUR will! In Jesus name we pray. Amen." Isaiah of course had no idea what any of that meant. But it was still very good for us to do that. I feel very alone right now. And it's very hard to log onto Facebook and see how pregnant women are commenting on other pregnant women's facebooks talking about their baby's or due dates or etc. It's just SO hard. As of a couple of days ago I was thinking I was going to be able to join them. And now, I won't be able to. :( And you know....he's a lesson I have learned through all of this. It used to be...when people told me they had miscarriages....that I thought "Oh that's so hard. I can understand how you would feel." NO! I could NOT understand how they feel. Sometimes you have to go through things in order to understand. I'm not sure why God makes it that way, but it hurts. And I know there are other women out there who have had miscarriages and then went on to have succesful pregnancy's after that....but for me...right now...it seems pretty hopeless. I shouldn't say that....cause again...God is in control! And I should learn to be SO secure in that....but it's hard. Because my left over pregnancy hormone's aren't helping out in any way. I cry off and on. And I finally did take some medicine to help with the cramping. I had held off hoping that maybe it was just a fluke and I needed to suffer through it and not hurt the baby with medicines. But...today when I woke up the bleeding is so bad...I just couldn't take it anymore. So now that the pain has subsided some what now all I can focus on is my emotions of it all. I am so alone. I feel....I dunno....so sad...and hurt....and mostly alone. I dunno why that is. But maybe that has something to do with what God's teaching me through all of this. Oh! And I did want to say...that I do not believe that when I miscarried the baby went to heaven. I don't believe that. People say that to make you feel better but it doesn't make me feel better. The Bible says baby's are born in sin. So if they're born in sin....how can they go to heaven? I don't think they can. And people also say "your baby will be waiting for you in heaven." I mean...at this stage...it was barely a baby. I dunno...it just irritates me when people say that...cause it's not true. I know that God took my baby for a reason...and that almost comforts me more than people saying the baby went to heaven. *sigh* And I know I keep calling it a baby....but it was a baby. I went through sever tiredness and hunger to grow that baby....and so I don't care how big it was...it was a baby. :( And I miss it...and I will miss not feeling it kick and grow into a person. But...God made the decision. So God....please make me trust YOU and be okay with YOUR decision.

So.....that's just something I wanted to type out. Who knows if any of it makes sense, but what I do know is that I feel better right now. So I guess that's all that matters. *sigh*

A Not So Bright Side to the New Year....

So....*sigh* When the New Year came...I had high hopes for this year. I mean...last year was wonderful, being that we celebrated our 1st year anniversary and Isaiah was born. And of course there were other great things. But last year was also very difficult for me. I learned a lot about friendships which was NOT easy for me. So when the New Year was around the corner I was SO very excited. Also towards the end of last year I was struggling with getting pregnant. I really wanted to have children close together. REALLY! And so I became really worried when I didn't get pregnant right away. At the end beginning of November I had a failed pregnancy. Which is basically a fertilized egg that for some reason failed to attach to the uterine wall. So that was disappointing but I decided to stay positive and keep looking forward. Well as Theo and I welcomed in the New Year of 2011, I had been fighting MASSIVE hunger. I mean...I ate and ate and ate....and I just couldn't stay full. Which I thought odd. Also I had other pregnancy symptoms that I kept shrugging off....just thinking it was PMS or whatever. My boobs had also been pretty dang sore and just felt odd. Well when I was in the shower Monday night I pressed gently on my boob to see if that helped it feel better. Well all of a sudden I have white milk coming out! WEIRD...I think yes! Being that my milk dried up when Isaiah was 6.5 months. So the next morning I took a pregnancy test. It said I was Pregnant!!!!! Exciting right?! Well it was until today. You can come so quickly crashing down. :( It appears...as of today....that I'm having a miscarriage. I talked to my Dr and she said I need to be seen...but the soonest they can get me in is Friday. :( So I basically have to wait til then to see if I'm pregnant or not. Which either way...it's depressing. I mean...I'll be SO Happy if it turns out I'm still pregnant...but at the same time, dealing with the emotions now SUCKS!!!! It's just awful. So.....things are really rough right now. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that God is in control and that whatever happens is for HIS will. But emotions suck! They get in the way of doing what you need to do. So if you read this....which I doubt anyone will....don't say anything. We told my Mom but we haven't had a chance to even tell the rest of our families. So...you can comment on here...but don't say anything to anyone. *sigh* But I doubt anyone will read this and probably by the time they do....it'll all be out in the open. So....I guess that's it for now. I feel a bit better.

A Christmas Update

So this blog is TOTALLY over due! I've been meaning to update my blog, but we moved to another apartment in Glen Burnie and we were without internet for over a month. So that's more the reason why I haven't been blogging. Anyways, I want to make this an Isaiah update. I really just haven't been into filling out his Baby Book. I dunno why. I put things in it for him to keep, but I just don't feel like hand writing all that stuff. LOL Plus, he doesn't get monthly height and weight check ups and so on a month to month basis I don't really know what he weighs etc. So I'm gonna do kinda the same update thing I did before. Hopefully I can remember everything. Actually....I don't even remember how old he was when I last blogged. So...hopefully I don't repeat anything.

Isaiah is almost 9 months old. On the 27th he will be!

He only army crawls. LOL Occasionally he will crawl on all fours, but he finds it more efficient apparently, to army crawl. lol

He is trying to walk. He pulls himself up on the coffee table and scales his self along. LOL He's quite sturdy on this feet. It'll be any day now that he starts walking!

He's major heavy! LOL I'm not sure how much he weighs but over a month ago he was over 23lbs!

He is officially off breast milk. :( Momma stopped producing milk, for what reason we're not sure of still. He adjusted very well to formula. Thank goodness! He was a fully nursed baby for 6 1/2 months. Momma's still proud she made it that long! :)

Isaiah has officially started drinking big boy milk out of a big boy sippy cup! :) He get's one sippy cup a day, and it does take him all day to drink it all. He still trying to learn how to drink out of a sippy cup. But he seems to really like the milk! :)

Isaiah is also starting to eat "Big People Food" lol He loves it. So far it's a lot of bready type things that are easier for him to chew. But he loves it. Whenever Momma and Daddy eat he thinks he should have what we have. LOL He's so funny.

Isaiah currently has 4 teeth! The 2 bottom one's were the first to come in. Then the 2 top one's came in at one time. It's taken the right top tooth a bit longer to break through, but both have officially broken through and he now has 4 teeth. Right now it also looks like his K-9's are coming in. Which I didn't realize that can happen this early...but that's what it looks like right now. We'll see how it turns out.

He has quite the personality. We can't go ONE place without someone saying how cute he is. He knows it too, sadly. He's very good and working the crowd. He shows an extreme like to blondes. LOL It doesn't matter what they look like, if their hair is blonde...he's all over it. hahaha! I tell him he's very shallow. =P lol

Isaiah makes the cutest scruntchy face. He makes the face and pretends to laugh. This is one thing he does to attract attention! It's pretty funny.

He is currently starting homeschool which consists of learning to sit still for small amounts of time, saying prayers before each meal and learning the 10 Commandments. We also read lots of children's books! We make a trip to the library about twice a month. He loves going to the library.

He is wearing size 18 month clothing and size 4 diapers. Although he will be busting out of both very soon!

In general, Isaiah still remains a very happy baby. Even when teething! We did have quite a few difficult nights, but during the day he's Mr Pleasant. lol He is sleeping through the night (fully) when he's not teething. While teething it makes things a bit unpredictable. lol

Other than that, I think that's it. That's all I can remember right now. Oh! He plays REALLY well with other children. Justin Carter remains his best friend. Another good friend is Jayden Hernandez. The 2 of them go gaga for each other. It's so cute! Other friends include Chase and Riley Freeman, Liam Thomas and I think that's it.

So that's the Christmas update on Isaiah. :)

My heart is full and my throat is tight.

I don't even know if that title makes any sense, but....that's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like my heart is full in some areas and breaking in others. I have this permanent lump in my throat that's been swelling there for 2 weeks now. Since Theo left I have had THE hardest time. It's been so rough. It seems like he leaves and all hell breaks loose. I hate to say that, but it's true. I mean, it's the first time we've been apart since we've been married. I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. But I just wasn't ready for it. Then again, are you ever? I don't think so. I know the 1st time is always the hardest, and the more he goes away, the more I'll be able to deal with it better. But it just didn't help that life seemed to go up in flames when he left. *sigh* It seriously has just been one thing after another. And maybe not everything has been huge, but even when little things stack up, they can make one huge mess. On the upside, God is amazing! HE has seen me struggling emotionally and he has brought me SO much support! I have hit a whole new level of friendship with Heather Thomas. I feel like we really I guess, opened up to each other more and that's nice. I have an amazing friend Deb, who is always there to email me and send me amazing messages. She's such a good friend. It just really sucks that she's in Massachusetts and she isn't close by. I can tell you if she was, we'd be spending ALL of our time together! LOL Anyways also Sharyn Thomas (not related to Heather) sent me a card. It came at EXACTLY the right moment. It was just so sweet. It was encouraging and everything. Then there's Treneka who I talk to about once a week if not more, who is always honest with me and always helps me in tough situations. Anyways, there is a whole bunch of other stuff I'd like to say, but I just am not feeling up to typing it all out right now. I feel a little bit better after typing this.

How can he be 5 1/2 Months already?!?!

So Isaiah Brent is growing so fast. I just can't figure out how 5 months have up and passed us already!!!! I mean...in about 2 weeks he'll be half a year old! *tear* OMG! When they say kids grow fast...WOAH! They really mean it! It's so sad. I'm a stay at home mom...and I treasure EVERY second I get with him...and it's still like, he's growing so fast for me to hold on to! It's sad, but at the same time, you love the new growth and discoveries they have made. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I'm going to type up a couple things Mr Isaiah Brent has accomplished since my last blog.

He is now 5 Months and 2 Weeks old (as of tomorrow).

He weighs over 22lbs.

He's longer than 27inches

He is fully eating 2 meals a day. They consist of Rice Cereal and a fruit in the morning and a vegetable at night.

The foods he's eaten are: Bananas, Peaches, Squash, Carrots, Sweet Potatoes, Sweet Peas, Green Beans, Applesauce...and I think that's it so far.

His favorite foods seem to be: Bananas, Green Beans and Peaches.

His least favorite food is: Sweet Peas

He has discovered his toes and that they are a very nice play toy.

He can now jump around in his Excersaucer.

His favorite toy:The Excersaucer and Anything he can put in his mouth.

He's discovered his stuffed animals, he will sit and stare at them, then attack them with kisses.

He is now in the beginning stages of crawling. He moves all around the floor in a series of rolls, scoots and leaps. He will get up on all 4's and rock back and forth. Any day now, he will be full on crawling.

He loves his Momma even when she's crazy! He adores her beyond anything!

He loves his Daddy! He beams anytime he's in the room. The other day he showed signs of knowing when Daddy leaves...and being sad.

The other day he also showed first signs of anxiety and the fact that I might leave him. I had stepped out the front door for a minute...and when I came back...he was in a panic and truly had hurt feelings. Poor baby! :(

He now laughs from being tickled! It's the greatest sound.

His favorite thing to do now, is blow spit bubbles and make sounds from them.

He also laughed hysterically for the first time. It was right after dinner when he was sitting in his high chair. He started hysterically laughing for no particular reason. He even squealed! It was the funniest cutest thing in THE world.

He's starting to grasp the concept of "No"

His favorite trouble to get into, is my side table trash can. ANNOYING!

He has received a few slaps on the hand and a few slaps on his leg. He seems to think it's funny.....but it's not funny. He'll get it sooner or later.

He is a little water baby! Loves the water!

His BFF is Justin Ezekiel Carter and his Girlfriend is Heather Thomas.

When he wakes up now, he now will lay there and talk to himself. It's SO cute!

I think that's quite a bit. My baby boy is amazingly handsome and smart. I love him dearly. Speaking of waking up...he's up...yessir.....6a.m. on the dot!

Today he will have his first Ocean Experience. We are packed and waiting for Daddy to come home, then we're off to Ocean City, MD! YAY!!!!

Loyalty

So, I know it's been awhile. I've been pretty crazy busy, but I wanted to blog really quickly about something I've been thinking about lately. Whatever happened to loyalty? Did it never exist? I'm just thinking back on basically friends I have/had. I think, as a friend you owe it to your friend to first of all be honest....then once that is achieved...then be loyal. Now, if someone were to set out and hurt my close friend....I wouldn't take it. I'm sorry. It's just not right. I wouldn't stand for it....nor would I continue to be friends with that person. You know? I'm just sayin.....maybe I'm just completely wrong. Maybe loyalty never existed. I mean...even with marriages.....the divorce rate is through the roof! And a lot of it has to do with being disloyal. I mean...am I totally off the beaten path here? I just think....when you're close friends with someone....and they have a friend (that you're friends with too) that treats them poorly and etc....I wouldn't remain friends with them. OH! And how bout this one?! Why would family still remain friends with someone who they know has hurt you?! I don't get that one! I mean....friends are one thing...but really?! Family?! That's low! Anyways, I dunno if that makes ANY sense, but it's just something I've been thinking about...so I'm blogging it! :)

Wow! It's been awhile!

Okay, so! I definitely haven't been able to blog like I wanted to! I was hoping this summer would be really relaxing, but it hasn't turned out quite that way. First I will recap of the baby and his amazing growth thus far.

He is now 4 months and almost 1 week old! He is growing so fast and it's seriously before my very eyes. It's crazy! People always say "Oh they grow so fast! Treasure every moment!" Well lemme tell you, I am a stay at home mother and I am DESPERATELY trying to cherish every single moment, yet this boy is growing like a weed. He has his 4 month check up in 2 days. We'll see how much he weighs then, but as of 3 weeks ago, the boy weighed 19lbs and 2oz! Mind you 3 weeks ago he wasn't even 4 months old yet! He eats all the time. I've taken to latching him onto my boob more just because I'm plain 'ol exhausted. We've officially started some Rice cereal either mixed with Apple Juice or breast milk. He loves it! We have also tried Green Beans (He ate that stuff UP! He loved them! Ate almost 1/2 a jar in one sitting lol), Peas (didn't like those so much), Applesauce(liked pretty well), Bananas (loved) and the new addition is carrots. I'm going to have to start feeding him cereal twice a day because this boy is eating too much breast milk. My body is KILLING me! I so long for the days when my body isn't affected by pregnancy or having to feed a little one. LOL Or how bout the fact that I've had the worst lower back pain for weeks now because my boobs are so huge. People....size F!!!!! Really?!?! Are we serious?! Yes! I assure you I am not exaggerating! It's painful! Plus I can't find a bra that properly fits! It's so frustrating. But he's not even 6 months yet, so I can't quit now. I go to weekly breast feeding support groups through WIC (Women Infant Children). Those are very helpful and encouraging for the times when I just wanna say "FORGET IT!!!!" Someone there made a statement.....she said "Breastfeeding is THE hardest easiest thing in the world to do!" If you haven't breast fed, that will mean nothing to you, but if you have....you will TOTALLY get it and understand. LOL Anyways, so as far as growth and development for Man's....who I know more often refer to as Wubbers (Which is Lovers just in baby talk lol. He can now efficiently roll over all the way. From side to side, and back and forth. He's a rolling machine. Also to my greatest surprise....he scoots himself across the floor!!!!! He will roll onto his belly...and if he sees something he really wants, he will scoot himself to whatever it is. Now most days I can't get him to do it, because he seems to be way more interested in chewing on his fist, but he can and will do it when he wants. He also is starting to show quite the personality. Anytime he's around a mirror he stares and smiles at himself. This, is most certainly a "Bogus" trait that we see in his older namesake! :) Also, he talks ALLLLL the time! He very much responds to interaction. If I ask him a question normally he will blubber back some gibberish. LOL Recently he's started to try and use his tongue to make more distinct noises. It's pretty funny and he sounds super cute! I'd have to say, his favorite toy these days, is his fist....it's constantly in his mouth. LOL He also likes chewing on a little 8oz Dr Pepper bottle I gave him. hahaha....that's really cute. He loves to look around and interact with people....especially women. He's a total flirt. It's crazy! lol I think that's about all in Isaiah Brent's world. After his check up I'm going to try my best and come and update you all on his height, weight and percentile etc. I'm sure it's going to be out of this world. LOL

Let's see. What else has happened? Theo and I celebrated our 1st year Wedding Anniversary. It is so encouraging to make it to that mark. I pray every day that God allow us to stay together for ever. As long as we make God our center, we should be good to go. hahaha! But life is rough and does create issues a lot of times. But God is bigger than any problem on earth you'll have. So that's encouraging. Oh! For our anniversary celebration, we went to the hotel we stayed in our wedding night! :) We left the baby at my Mom's and went from Thursday night to Sunday morning. It was SOOOOOO nice! Just nice to relax and be together without waking up a night to feed a baby. We cuddled so much. I'd have to say....that's what I miss most about having a new addition. I can't cuddle when ever I please with my husband. And half the time I'm so lacking on sleep before my head hits the pillow I'm dead out! *sigh* I'm hoping the sleep deprivation gets a little better.
Anyways, well that's a quick update. I really have to be going. I have a ton to do and the baby is going to wake up from his nap any minute now. He's so cute and chubby! I love him so much!