The struggles of a miscarriage....

Wow! I just had NO idea how much you can struggle from having a miscarriage. It's a WHOLE roller coaster of emotions. It's so very difficult. I just had no idea. Since becoming pregnant with Isaiah I had always thought about "What if I had a miscarriage?" I mean....it's only natural. But I succesfully had Isaiah so I thought I was on the high road far from bad things that can happen during pregnancy. So....since having Isaiah it has been a struggle to become pregnant again. I got pregnant SO quickly with Isaiah. I just don't understand. Right away I was pregnant. And then....not that we were exactly trying, but Isaiah is plain spoiled. He needs another sibling. And Theo and I both feel we're ready for another baby. We love babies. So, naturally...even though we weren't "trying" we figured it'd be any day now that we'd find out I was pregnant again. Well meanwhile, while I struggle to be okay with not being pregnant right away. And also struggling with SEVERE PMS to the point where it basically is like I'm pregnant. Everyone around me pops up pregnant. It's so very hard. Just about everyone I know that is married right now...is pregnant. :( It's SO very hard to deal with. I don't understand it. I just keep reminding myself that God has a master plan. And even if I'm not aware of what it is etc...that I should be confident in the fact that it is HIS plan and HE is in control. That is SO much easier said than done. SOOOOOO much! I keep praying that God give me peace. And towards the end of December...even though I was having MAJOR pregnancy symptoms, I just ignored them and continued to live life. I of course hoped I was pregnant.....but at the same time, I thought I was going to be okay if I wasn't. Well...all of a sudden my boobs produce milk again and I think "THIS MUST BE IT!!!!" So I take a test and VIOLA! Hannah's pregnant! I was so very excited and happy. I finally felt like I wasn't a failure. Like I had finally done something right and that my pregnancy symptoms were in fact pregnancy symptoms and not just severe PMS. So....of course I was totally over joyed. And lemme tell you. When a women finds out she's pregnant.....that cell...that isn't quite done replicating yet and etc....automatically becomes a baby. It doesn't matter anything else. It's a baby. So I automatically jump ahead to when the due date might be. Not feeling the greastest that I'd have to go through the whole summer pregnant. But praising God that I'm finally pregnant and that it's not impossible. Well it's amazing how quickly you can come crashing down. Oh...is it amazing! The very next day I start bleeding and cramping. Actually, the new me stayed very positive through all of it! The old me would've been negative right away and said "Nope....It's a miscarriage and there's nothing to change that." Well...something in me wanted to hold on and think "MAYBE! Maybe this is just a weird fluke thingy! Maybe I will still have a full term pregnancy and maybe I will have another little boy or a little girl." I don't know what made me do this. And to be honest...even though I'm 99.9% sure that I am having a miscarriage....I still am holding on to that .1% chance that I'm still pregnant. Although I just highly doubt it. There's been far too much blood clotting and cramping and pain in general. It's so very sad. I want my husband to be with me. But he has to work. Thankfully Isaiah is doing really well. He hasn't been too much to deal with...because it's REALLY hard to pick him up. I have a lot of lower abdominal pain. So, I do thank God for that. And when I woke up this morning, Isaiah and I prayed this prayer. "Dear Heavenly Father. We want to thank you for allowing Momma to have a very healthy pregnancy and bringing Isaiah into the world. He is a healthy, intelligent little boy and we thank you for that Father. We thank you, that you have blessed both Momma and Daddy with such a wonderful gift as a son. We also want to thank for allowing Momma to get pregnant. Even if it didn't last, we want to thank you for allowing Momma to know that YOU can create life in her again. And please allow her to trust in what she doesn't know or understand. And help her see that it is for YOUR will! In Jesus name we pray. Amen." Isaiah of course had no idea what any of that meant. But it was still very good for us to do that. I feel very alone right now. And it's very hard to log onto Facebook and see how pregnant women are commenting on other pregnant women's facebooks talking about their baby's or due dates or etc. It's just SO hard. As of a couple of days ago I was thinking I was going to be able to join them. And now, I won't be able to. :( And you know....he's a lesson I have learned through all of this. It used to be...when people told me they had miscarriages....that I thought "Oh that's so hard. I can understand how you would feel." NO! I could NOT understand how they feel. Sometimes you have to go through things in order to understand. I'm not sure why God makes it that way, but it hurts. And I know there are other women out there who have had miscarriages and then went on to have succesful pregnancy's after that....but for me...right now...it seems pretty hopeless. I shouldn't say that....cause again...God is in control! And I should learn to be SO secure in that....but it's hard. Because my left over pregnancy hormone's aren't helping out in any way. I cry off and on. And I finally did take some medicine to help with the cramping. I had held off hoping that maybe it was just a fluke and I needed to suffer through it and not hurt the baby with medicines. But...today when I woke up the bleeding is so bad...I just couldn't take it anymore. So now that the pain has subsided some what now all I can focus on is my emotions of it all. I am so alone. I feel....I dunno....so sad...and hurt....and mostly alone. I dunno why that is. But maybe that has something to do with what God's teaching me through all of this. Oh! And I did want to say...that I do not believe that when I miscarried the baby went to heaven. I don't believe that. People say that to make you feel better but it doesn't make me feel better. The Bible says baby's are born in sin. So if they're born in sin....how can they go to heaven? I don't think they can. And people also say "your baby will be waiting for you in heaven." I mean...at this stage...it was barely a baby. I dunno...it just irritates me when people say that...cause it's not true. I know that God took my baby for a reason...and that almost comforts me more than people saying the baby went to heaven. *sigh* And I know I keep calling it a baby....but it was a baby. I went through sever tiredness and hunger to grow that baby....and so I don't care how big it was...it was a baby. :( And I miss it...and I will miss not feeling it kick and grow into a person. But...God made the decision. So God....please make me trust YOU and be okay with YOUR decision.

So.....that's just something I wanted to type out. Who knows if any of it makes sense, but what I do know is that I feel better right now. So I guess that's all that matters. *sigh*