Purity....Then Intimacy....Then Hospital Stay....What?

So, I've been wanting to write this post for awhile now. It's taken me awhile to get up enough energy to even pick up the laptop. Hopefully I can finish this before I get too tired. Ha!


So, as everyone who knows me knows (if not..then you must not know me very well....and that's okay....this'll teach you a lot about me! :) haha)I made a decision from a pretty early age to remain pure until marriage. To me that meant no sex before marriage and no dating "for the fun of it". I knew my desire was to be married and have children and I knew that the purpose of dating should only lead towards marriage. This was not something my parents made me do. It's not even something they asked me to do. Of course they taught me what was right according to scripture and that's really all I needed. So just about my whole life I've had a certain mind frame. Of course I had a few lessons to learn, a few stumbling blocks (but I never had sex) but for the most part I stayed true to that. I finally found "Mr Right"!!!! Hooray for me! Even though we only "dated" for 6 months it wasn't easy to control ourselves physically. As anyone who's been in a dating relationship can tell ya....it's hard! haha! But we kept one goal in mind and we stuck to it! I can't even explain in words how glorious that we are each other's first. Not that I care to get into the specific details of our sex life...haha...but it's amazing because he and I share that very special bond TOGETHER! As husband and wife! Just as God intended it to be! What I didn't realize was the strong sense of intimacy you can feel from just simply sitting next to each other on the sofa...or sleeping and cuddling in the same bed. I didn't realize that there was so much more to being husband and wife. Growing up, I think I kinda block some of those things out because I didn't want to know...I didn't want to know then have to fight temptation even more. But anyways....once we were married it was awesome because we no longer had to fight ANYTHING! Anything and everything we wanted to share physically/emotionally..didn't matter...we could do it! There were no boundaries for us and he and I both embraced that! And then.......


Here I pop up with cancer! haha! When something like this happens the first thing you think is NOT "Oh I probably won't have sex for awhile." In fact....they kept me so busy it didn't even occur to me for quite awhile. Then all the sudden I just got this feeling when I'd sleep. Almost like...and empty feeling maybe. I'm not quite sure. Now Theo has spent every single night with me in the hospital. Uncomfortable recliner and all. He sleeps right next to me every night. But that's when I realized....he wasn't actually sleeping WITH me! We've had little to none skin to skin contact (because of my low blood counts he doesn't even kiss me on the mouth out of deathly fear he might pass on something that will make me more sick....he's so sweet to think of me and care for me like that!)we don't share a bed together, there's really no place for us to even cuddle cause no chair/bed/seat is big enough. So I got to thinking about how important that is for us. About week 3 is when we really started snipping at each other and having more issues than we've had in our whole 4 years (on the 27th Woop woop) of marriage. He and I hardly ever argue...but it was getting excessive. Just every little thing seemed to be an issue for us. So realizing that a huge part of the reason was was intimacy....which lead me to realize.....my WHOLE life the "end goal" for me was marriage. In my mind, then I could do whatever I wanted with my husband and I wouldn't have to control myself or anything. I dunno about anyone else...but for me I just thought...that's it. Then I'll never have to worry again. Since this has happened it hit me like a ton of bricks.....NOT!!!!! hahaha I know this is a test/trial/lesson for us to work through...and since I realized that things have gotten a LOT better. We're trying to verbally communicate more and we've worked through some of the issues we had. Which lead me to also realize that maybe because we're still very much "in love" and in the "honeymoon/newlywed phase" (some would say...hahaha)that maybe the physical/intimacy part of it sometimes gets in the way of us actually learning to verbally communicate. I know that there is a definite difference between married couples who sleep in the same bed every night and those who don't. I know there are several studies that show the couples are much more happy when they share the same bed than those who don't.


That all being said....I simply miss sharing one bed with my husband. One amazingly comfy king size bed! Under the same sheets. Maybe not even touching....but simply having him close really does make all the difference. I'm not sure what this road to healing me from cancer all consists of....but I wanted to record this because I want to remember how it feels. So maybe...one day...when it's not so easy for us (which I hope never happens) I can come back and read this...and remember what it's like to be without him. :)