I wasn't exactly expecting that.....

So, I am about to begin my first chemo treatment in the morning. So far this process has been really nothing but a process for me. "What's the problem?" "We have to do A, B, C to fix it." "Let's get on it" Just a process. I know that God is in control and I was 100% secure in that. I guess it was only a matter of time. Today a friend came to visit me. She basically encouraged me to consider all options before starting chemo. Specifically considering storing my eggs. So I called my Dr to discuss more in detail the risk/time frame...etc. He was pretty straight forward with me. The chances of me being INFERTILE after chemo tends to be way higher than the chances of being fertile. It's more likely that I will be infertile than fertile. Which, obviously when I heard it....took a bit of stab to my heart. After discussing the options for going through a procedure to save and harvest my eggs...we thought...even at an accelerated rate...it'd take probably a week to save my eggs. I have acute Leukemia which means....fast moving. He explained to me that it's totally my choice but the reason they're acting so quickly is because it's not as bad right now. As of now I don't have to have a bone marrow transplant. If I let this prolong...there's no telling exactly what could happen. So...when praying and thinking about it more, I realized....it's not worth risking my life and possibly making things worse. I already have TWO beautiful children who need their mother. How fair would it be to them to risk my life to harvest eggs for a possible 3rd child. When I already have TWO that are here NOW and need me NOW. So, it was definitely a tough blow. I just wasn't expecting those numbers. I wasn't expecting that. I guess I should have expected that....but doesn't change the hurt.


I am 27 years old. I have cancer. I have a family. I have children. I may never be able to have children ever again. That's not something easy to accept. I know God's in control. 100% I know that! 100% I know...that no matter what...if God wants me to have that little girl...I WILL have it! No matter what! It doesn't take away the pain that it may not happen. It doesn't take away the pain that while many other women are growing their families as they planned and it all seems to be fitting into place, I'm sitting in the hospital away from my children with cancer and fighting for my life. Does it make my jealous of them right?! No! Do I feel bitterness to them? Not now. Maybe later. Does that make it okay? No! My heart grieves that I may NEVER again feel a child moving and kicking on the inside of me. It might also come more of a blow because recently I've been really looking into a healthier way to have a baby. Considering all my options. So that probably doesn't help. But still. I just needed to blog my feelings. I'm publicly saying, I understand that some of these feelings aren't okay. Some need to be corrected...and will in time. But I'm hurt. And this is not something easy to handle. But God NEVER gives you anything you can't deal with. And I KNOW that going through this will only strengthen my faith in HIM.


I would like to say, that I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. This is just a "me space" where I can go and talk about how I'm feeling. I'm not looking for comments. I'm not talking or hating anyone specifically. Just venting frustrations and hurts. That's all! This is not a blog post intending to hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, I'm very sorry. Not my intention. I just need to vent and get it out. I hope that God really works on my heart and fast so that I can be happy for others. Also...if you have some correction to make to my choices...please keep it to yourself. I don't need someone commenting telling me options I have or things I could do differently. Theo and I have talked and this is the path we're taking.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
1 Corinthians 10:13 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."