The Diary of a Frustrated Fat Momma!

Yes, I am calling myself fat because that is what I am. I'm not using it to define me, but the truth is I've totally and completely let myself go. And that's no one's fault but my own! I let myself get out of control, then I had 2 babies in 2 years. That doesn't do nice things to your body. Especially when you were fat to begin with. Some may say "Oh it's baby weight" WRONG! I lost all baby weight pretty much by the time I walked out of the hospital. Mostly because my boys were near 10lbs and so after they came out, there wasn't much baby weight left. LOL!!!! But anyways, I seemed to gain weight after I had them. I know with Collin I gained like 30lbs after him. I had postpartum depression and....well....30lbs later, I'm thankfully cured of my postpartum depression...but have this weight to show for it. It SUCKS!!!!! There's no way to tell a new mother that her life will never be her own again. There's no way to prepare them, that after children, your time will basically never be YOUR time. I'm not trying to sound like I don't appreciate my boys, or that I don't love them. I'm not even ungrateful. But life is a learning process and I just didn't know that after having the boys my life never has time for me. LOL!!!! So when it comes to dropping this weight and getting healthier....it makes this journey excruciatingly hard. Because most of my time is about the boys and their needs, and when it's not the boys it's Theo and his needs, it really takes a conscious effort to think about myself. Most people take showering for granted. I'm SOOOO fortunate if I get to shower every day. I haven't showered every single day since....well...probably right before Isaiah was born. LOL! That's not to rat myself out and sound like I'm a disgusting pig who never showers...but the reality of it is that showers for me don't get to be a top priority unless of course I'm showering with the boys. Then that's a shower mostly because the boys need it. I just get to join. hahahaha! So anyways, I've been working my butt off for a couple of weeks now. And REALLY trying hard to focus on eating better. I've done pretty well staying within my calorie intake. But I had a few days when I didn't work out and ate like crap. And the thing was...it wasn't so much that I ate a TON...it's just when I did eat...it was crappy food. But whatever...I allowed myself a cheat day...or two. And my body did need to relax. I did something to my knee while running and before I could get to the Dr I didn't want to make it worse...so I rested. Which at that point was okay cause I'd been working out every day. I only rested like 2 days before going to the Dr. After I talked to the Dr she told me to take Motrin and keep going! Which I was SOOOO excited about. I've mostly been running/speed walking outside. It's so nice for the boys and I to get out of the house. I get to exercise and the boys love the ride. Today I even made Isaiah run the last bit of ways home with me. He did so well. He loved it! The sad thing is....It's hard for me to even keep up with him for a good distance. I mean...sure I can keep up and beat him right away...but I'm so out of shape he could honestly beat me in the end. LOL But that's okay. He loves it and doesn't think of me as a failure. So I don't mind! ;) Anyways...I just needed to vent about my frustrations with this weight loss. I can tell my stomach IS getting flabbier...but it only makes me look more gross. I guess after having kids AND gaining weight....my belly is probably not going to look decent for awhile. By the way...my goal is to look noticeably different at Theo's work Christmas party this year. Last year I was depressed (my anti-depressants hadn't really kicked in) and I looked SOOOO gross. I want to be able to buy a new outfit and look so good at his Christmas party. That's a reasonable goal since it's at the end of this year. And I started working out in January. Though I gained weight in May because a family was staying with us and I didn't get to work out. Anyways, I'm also hoping that by Collin's 1st birthday that I can drop the 35lbs. Then I'll have an even 100lbs to loose. That would be SOOOO nice. But I doubt that's going to happen. That's a little less than 2mo away. I shouldn't be so discouraged. Just gotta keep a chin up and keep reminding myself that I don't get results by doing nothing. After I loose the 35lbs though.....I'm going to get an ear piercing. Then after I loose the 100lbs....I'm getting a new tattoo. Something that's about dedication and hard work. I'll definitely deserve it! At some point I also want to get my belly button re-pierced...but who knows what kinda shape my belly will be in after all the abuse I've put it through. *sigh* Anyways....I guess that's it for now. I just need to vent and get some of my frustrations out. It's just really really REALLY hard. But I AM the one who got myself into this mess and with the support of a loving husband and good friends and God on my side...I really can't loose can I? :)