May is the Month

So recently I was invited to participate in this thing called Whole30! I decided against it because I could tell it wouldn't go well with our busy schedules. Basically it seemed to be the concept that you only eat veggies, fruits and meat. Thats it. No sugar no carbs. It just didn't seem appealing to me especially with kids. I mean, seriously...can you picture my kids going for green beans and chicken breast? LOL Anyways, it got me thinking about how my eating has been outta whack. I'm over making myself feel bad for it. It is what it is. Could I have made better decisions? Yes! Of course! But I can't change it. All I can do is look forward! I've got the active part of my lifestyle pretty down pat right now. Which I'm excited about. I've been trying to eat frequently. Which has been a challenge for me. So that's definitely helped. But I'm not where I wanna be! So! I thought, instead of doing Whole30 in the month of May, I'm going to do my own version! I've decided starting May 1st-May 31st I will not be eating any McDonald's or KC's. (a local ice cream place in walking distance to our house...yeah...it's a problem. LOL) I may try and eliminate a few other things too. But right now, those are the two that I frequent most often. I'm not trying to diet. I don't think diets are healthy. But I feel with taking McD and KC's away, it'll force me to make healthier food choices. So, here's a blog post telling the world...I will be taping myself and possibly weighing myself April 30th and June 1st. I want to see what difference it makes. Hopefully April 30th I will be able to blog my results and my fears/excitement of starting May! I will also be praying and thinking about anything else God's leading me to give up for a month. So, stay tuned! :-)

It's 2015

Like, what? Did I just write that? 2015? Already? This year seriously flew by! In all honesty, at the beginning of every new year I probably say "I can't believe it went by so fast!" But seriously! Every year seems to fly by quicker and quicker. That's probably because I'm busy. ALL.THE.TIME! Just when I think "Oh! We'll settle down here in a bit." Life seems to get even more hectic! My children! They've grown so much in the past year! I'd honestly have to say that I've grown with them. It's funny how life does that! You grow into an adult and you think "Well, that's it! I'm officially an adult!" Then your children come along and you're all "OHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO?!?!" The mental process behind raising a child is INCREDIBLE! I never knew my brain could work in so many different ways! Haha! Plus, let's be honest, keeping up with TWO boys under the age of 5 that are 17 months apart is nothing but a mere challenge. Especially for me. I've always had the God given talent to adapt to just about any child. But to truly understand MALES....well....let's just say that will probably just be left in the dust. I mean....the obsessive need to pass gas, touch their body parts, dig in their butts, pick boogers, eat them, make messes out of things you had NO idea could be....it all just astounds me! Imagine my surprise one day when I told Isaiah to quit doing some nasty habit and his response was "Daddy does it." Ugh! I'm utterly defeated. I'm surrounded by testosterone! Just when I think I've had enough, one of them ropes me back in with their quiet protective "let me check on Momma!" moods. It's a conspiracy I swear! Some days it's (some parents won't admit this) utter TORTURE to raise two boys! And sometimes it gets to feeling very lonely. But as life goes on, I wouldn't trade it for the world. The sweet moments are rare. I'm finding more and more that I'm living life with much more humor than I ever thought I had! More and more I'm learning to just not even bother yelling and shouting when Collin is hanging from one foot from the top bunk. It really takes a lot to scare me these days! For example, right as I'm writing this, Collin is currently screaming bloody murder. Limping in here on one leg acting like he's dying. I haven't flinched. Barely moved a muscle. Continued to type on the computer like nothing was wrong. Why? Some might say "It's because she's a lazy irresponsible mother." Those who know me....and better yet know Collin, will say "It's because he does this ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time!" And when I say "ALLLLLLLLLLL" I mean it! It's not an exaggeration. Guess what? By the time I'm done typing this, he's no longer crying and is back there laughing and goofing off as usual. hahaha! Anyways, it's time for me to rally up the troops and figure out what's to eat for dinner. They are incessantly hungry. So here's to a new year! A new year of me chasing around the little people that Theo and I created together! A new year for Theo and I to learn more about each other and grow deeper in love! A new year to continually learn lessons God's set up for us to learn! A new year to grow as a family! Cheers 2014! You were exhausting! Bring on 2015! ;-)

Baby Days.....

So as I was showering this morning a thought occurred to me. So I thought I should blog about it if I had time today! And guess what? I do! Hooray!


What was the thought? It was that my very youngest baby is no longer a baby! We are officially done. He used his last pull up (he's been potty trained but we had one last open box of pull ups, so we've been using them at night) 2 nights ago and this morning it occurred to me that without watching Harper, I don't even have a reason to have wipes. Both of my children are fully potty trained and can wash their own hands with soap and water now. They can pretty much brush their teeth as well. They've long since stopped using baby wash and baby detergent on their clothes. The only "baby" thing left is their Nuggies (their soothing blankets). That's IT! I'm crushed! I'm sure I'll have to carry in my purse some small pack of wipes just in case...but that's it! No need to buy Costco bulk diapers or wipes any more. How heartbreaking. No more binkys, bottles or sippy cups. No more cutting food up for them. My two boys are completely self sufficient. Well, I do still have to pick out Collin's clothes still, but he can dress himself now. (except sometimes there's a backwards underwear or shoes on the wrong feet) But they don't need me as much as they did! I am now transitioning to the "Soccer Mom". It's now time for their activities. For me to drive them here and there and teach them formal education and make sure their social and needs are being met. I mean...really? When did that happen? I want my babies back! I was Collin, binky in mouth and nuggies in tow, to sneak into my bed wanting "nuggles". I want Isaiah to climb up in my lap and slobber all over me and give me "lubs". I miss that! As everything goes, there's pros and cons to everything. And since I just listed all the cons...haha...I decided I'd list some of the pros. NO MORE STINKY DIAPERS!!!!!!!! I know several moms who are probably pretty jealous of me right now. haha! I mean.....it's been almost 5 years (can you believe I'll have a 5 year old at the end of March?!?!) and to finally not have the lingering smell of poop running around....pretty freaking sweet man! I actually do have more time to myself right now. I'm not having to wake up for feedings. I can sleep in. They can dress themselves and brush their teeth. I mean...that's pretty awesome! But I still find myself with sadness. My life has been a certain way for 5 years now. And to just stop? I feel almost without an identity. It sounds dramatic but I feel kinda striped raw. Like, what now? Obviously, they still need me. I mean, they're FAR from being able to drive themselves places or stay at home alone. But it does leave me feeling empty. I never expected to be in this stage of life at this point. I expected to be in this phase for at least 10 years! lol Knock all my babies out at once and then we be done all at once. But God does have a plan for me. I don't know what it is, but I do feel a bit empty. Eventually I will become more peaceful. I am definitely enjoying some of the freedom. I'm definitely excited about a future with these two boys! They give me such life and purpose! Collin for sure, keeps me on my toes. But, for now....good bye wipes and diapers. Good bye good smelling baby wash and detergent. I will most certainly always miss you. And every time I see or smell anything baby related nostalgia will fill me! But for now.....good bye......

Victorious

So, as I've been saying in previous blogs, I've been working on myself. Like, a lot! More than I've ever focused on myself before! One very important thing I've learned through all this hard work, is to celebrate my victories! Before, I always seemed to find some way to bring myself down. To say it wasn't good enough. Or find some excuse to lessen the greatness of a victory! So with the encouragement of my counselor and Theo, I started to just tell myself "It's a victory! Celebrate it!" It didn't matter how big or how small. It deserves celebration! It doesn't matter if no one else will care! Celebrate! Acknowledge the fact that it was a leap for myself and a successful one! And even when I fall, don't beat myself up over it! At first it was very, VERY, difficult! I would acknowledge the victory but secretly in the back of my mind, tear it down. Gradually, it became easier and easier! Gradually I learned to celebrate loading and unloading the dishwasher! Sounds stupid! But all year I've struggled with keeping up with dishes. Mostly due to my lack of energy. But when I finally did do the dishes, I allowed myself to be so happy over it! Almost every day now, I find something to celebrate myself about! Whether it's big or small. Doesn't make a difference! God's put a major change in my heart and it's soooo much for the better. I can't believe I lived so long beating myself up like I was. Well, I might have been living but it was a very unhealthy life. Inward and outward! So thank you God, for allowing the help of others to help me push through my selfishness. To realize that the works YOU do in me are good! They are to be celebrated! I am victorious in HIM! Glory!

Collin Henry is 3!

Well, it's finally happened! My baby turned 3! I always struggle around his birthday because the majority of his life I haven't been able to enjoy because of one medical issue after another! Hopefully from here on out though, I'll be able to enjoy every last second! :-)

Name: Collin Henry Scheungrab
Birth: September 8th
Nicknames: Schmootzie Poo, Poo, Poo-Pants, Schmootz, Ceebs, C, Collin Hengry
Height: Mom is lame and can't remember!
Weight: Finally reached the 30's! 32lbs!
Allergies: Still Egg, Wheat, Milk and Nuts. (also staying strong on the gluten free diet)
Favorite Food: Hot dogs
Favorite Drink: Rice Milk
Favorite Snack: Fruit Snacks or Apples
Interests: Animals (we think, he thinks he's one) and babies
Favorite Person: Momma (very much still a Momma's boy...though Daddy is becoming a close one!)
Best Friends: Brother, SamMal and Gage
Favorite Toys: Very much into stuffed animals (Mickey, Minnie Mouse and Goofy are the ultimate fav stuffed animals) and anything Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Achievements: Can sing ABC's correctly by himself, can count to 10 correctly and getting better at tracing!
Potty Trained? YES! Thanks to Grummy! Night time and day time trained! Jake underwear are his favorites! ;-)
Righty or Lefty? Strong Lefty!



Collin Henry is definitely our most active child. He keeps us on our toes and challenges us on a daily basis! You can pretty much always count on him to either make you laugh or to come up with some injury of some sort! Clumsy as anything! Absolutely zero fear! Theo and I honestly can't imagine our lives without him! From day one he's kept us on our toes and growing our hearts bigger and bigger. Happy 3rd Birthday Ceebs! Mommy and Daddy love you so much! And Brother too! :-)

1 Year Remission-Anniversary: The Evolution of Hannah

Well, my actual date has come and gone. I really wanted to write this on the day but honestly, life is just too busy! I can't believe 1 year has come and gone! In some ways it flew by, in others it really did seem to drag on for eternity! I had so much envisioned for my one year mark. Honestly, most of what I had planned was physical. As is typical for me, I never thought about deeper than that. I just wanted to loose weight to be accepted and for people to stop talking behind my back. I wanted to loose weight so that Theo and I could finally FINALLY start trying to have a baby. All the reasons I wanted to be in a very different place physically, was for all the wrong reasons. It seems silly now, honestly. Typical Hannah went on smiling and being there for everyone but herself. I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Then again, I never really have been able to accept what I see staring back at me. I've never been a fan of myself. All I've ever done is try and live my life to please others. God, my parents, my husband, my siblings, my friends, my best friends....I've always cared more about anyone else (even perfect strangers) than I cared for myself. Heather and Ruth have always seen me for who I am! Along the way I've made extremely close friends who saw the same things Heather and Ruth saw. (you all know who you are!) In all fairness, Theo has been the one to break through more of that than anyone else. I've always felt loved and accepted by him. It can't be easy for the poor man! All many people have ever wanted me to do, is for me to see myself as they see me. I just had zero desire or motivation to see myself. I think a lot of it stemmed from my weight. I mean, it's pretty easy to hate yourself when you're fat. I've always been ashamed of my body. From the time I was skinny, young and good looking, til now, overweight, out of shape and aged. I don't know why I never felt comfortable. I think it was because I never had anyone seem to accept what I was. I would frequently be around many people who would compliment everyone else around me, but me! Since I had the strong desire to please people, I always cared more about doing what was right and in general being a "good person". "Hannah do this, Hannah do that..." frequent phrases I remember hearing. I'm not trying to make it sound like I was a saint! I mean, for goodness sakes! I'm a human being who sins! Period! But, I've always had a lack of self esteem. Ever since I can remember. Anyways, over this past year I've changed. I went down to the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I felt like I was in a deep hole and I couldn't figure a way out. The obvious answer for a Christian would be "lean on God." But I kept leaning and felt like all I was doing was going deeper and deeper in a hole I couldn't get out of. My life was falling apart. I experienced downs in my marriage, my personal life, motherhood...it was just all around bad. The tears...oh goodness! Even my first pregnancy I don't think I cried THIS much! Haha! Hopeless. Hopeless is what I felt. I knew the correct answer was to lean on God but I just couldn't seem to do it! I'd gone all last year (almost loosing my life) fighting cancer and all the while NEVER doubting my love for God or HIS plan for me! How in the world is that possible?! How could I go through something so traumatic and seriously never really have an issue with it. To this day, I will tell you, I never doubted God's plan for a minute. I was content to live the life HE'd created for me alone! I almost felt special because I KNEW without a doubt that God was in control and whether that was to live or die, I was at peace! So why, when I got home was it so difficult to settle back into "life". Well, one major reason. I was NOT the same! Physically, Mentally or Emotionally. My body has been poisoned by chemo. And before that? Brought down to it lowest physical point, to near death. So my mental state wasn't great mostly due to all the trauma my body had withstood over the past year. So I struggled very much with every day things. Hormones were completely out of whack. For awhile there headaches were regular. Appetite still came and went. All the while having to raise two boys and be a wife, with very low energy. Honestly, even to this day, I sleep a lot! I used to be able to get up early and go to bed late and be perfectly fine. Now? I'm NO good if I don't get at LEAST 8hrs of sleep! It's rough! My body took a huge hit! So in addition to fighting things that were seriously chemically off balance, I had to learn how to live life again. It's strange. You would think taking a "break" from life would make you ready to go back to it right away. But I can see now it was too much too soon! Of course I survived. But things could've gone so much better if I'd just rested a bit more. But it is what it is! Plain and simple! Learn to function like a normal adult was hard. So I developed depression. Which of course was not at all helped by this past rough winter we had. Plus I had no car. Which made it a bit harder on me. My Memaw passed away in early spring and that was honestly the last straw for me. I went to a very....VERY dark place. It just wasn't good. All the while, I was trashing my body. I would either not eat at all (most common) or I would binge eat crap. It was so horrible. I was screaming at my children all the while pretending everything was good. I was not in a good place with Theo. To be truthful, I don't even know exactly how bad off we were because I was crazy! Legit crazy! I started to have LOTS of fits of anger. I was angry at God. I was embarrassed and guilty for being angry but I was angry none the less. I've never been an angry person. But all of a sudden I was angry at any and everything. It became VERY clear that I needed some help! So, with the encouragement of Theo, I started counseling. It was hard at first because honestly, I didn't know what to say any more. I had completely shut down. My counselor now laughs about the ora I had when she first met me. She said it was awful! She said as soon as she stepped in the room to meet me it automatically felt gray, cloudy, depressing and hopeless. Yup! Just about everything I felt. haha! I stayed pretty diligent at counseling because all the while I KNEW I wasn't thinking correctly. I KNEW something was wrong and that I wanted to change. I KNEW I couldn't live like this forever. And praise God for an encouraging husband. Because if he'd been against counseling, I can't imagine where we'd be today! Slowly I started to learn that A) I had some chemical imbalance and medicine was definitely required and B) Even as crazy as I was, there was deep rooted issues that I needed to address. So, I started some medication and slowly things started to get better. I was more able to calm down (not be so angry) and rationally think about things. I've never been good with words. I mean, just read back in this...how much rambling have I done? LOL But, slowly I learned that was a part I hated about myself. I hated that I couldn't speak eloquently, I hated that I don't feel intelligent, I hate that I'm not quick witted or quick in general. I hated that I was fat. That I needed medication to live my life some what normal. That I had to be in counseling. That my life turned out to be nothing like I wanted it to be. Slowly my resentment towards God started to fade. Slowly my resentment towards people who have "wronged me" in the past, started to not matter so much. I started counseling in April and here I am now, 3 sessions out from being done for good! I can't believe that I'm not even panicking over it! I'm ready! The developments that have taken place is indescribable, really. The growth I've seen in myself. The fact that I can post "unflattering" pictures of myself on Facebook and NOT CARE! I do not care at all what someone might think. The only two people I give a flying hoot about are God and Theo! Period! I am still taking medication and we are no where close to talking about having another baby (we were supposed to talk about it at the year mark. I've put on 50lbs at least this year. And am I ashamed? No! Of course I'm not proud! I don't want to brag about it! But I refuse to feel guilty any more for what other people may think! I am SO proud of myself right now for even saying that! I've very much learned that it really does take baby steps to grow. And sometimes those baby steps may feel like they're on a sand dune and you feel like you're sliding down, but I assure you, keep one foot in front of the other and you WILL get to the top! I am now completely okay with my mistakes. They are mistakes just like anyone has made! They have been learning lessons for me! God is using my life to teach me so much about myself and I love it! I feel so much more secure in my faith now! I feel more secure in my marriage. I feel more secure in myself. I can look in the mirror right now and say "Hey girl! I kinda like you! I have goals and things I want to get better at...but that's okay! You keep on keepin on!" I feel SO happy for the first time in my entire life. Of course it'd be AWESOME if others acknowledged that (and some do!)but for the first time in my life? I'm okay with just pleasing myself and God! God made me who I am! All bumps along the way? Those were to make me what HE wants me to be! They were a teaching tool for myself. And maybe eventually? I can encourage someone else! This road hasn't at all been easy, but I'm much stronger now. I'm okay with not having a baby. It doesn't define me. What God chooses for my life, defines me and I'm at such peace with that! I'm also very very thankful for the positive encouraging people God has put in my life. Theo being the main one! I can't believe that God made someone SO perfect for me. Someone who knows my faults and still very much loves me! Someone I can lean on and who can help carry my burdens. It's so much of a blessing! The other encouraging people, you all know who you are! I appreciate each and every one of you! Without your positivity and encouragement, I'm not sure I would've gotten this far! So it is with blurry eyes that I wrap up this blog. I'm not where I thought I'd be at my year mark. I'm so much further along than I could ever predict! :-) Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me! ;-)

1 Year Chemo Anniversary!

I can't believe it's here! Honestly, I'm not sure how in the world I made it? The obvious answer would be God. Because seriously, without HIM I wouldn't be here. He obviously had plans for me. And lemme tell you what, they weren't any kind of plans I intended on having. This year has been....well...a handful! It's been harder than last year! No one ever tells you that life AFTER chemo is the hardest part! I can't even explain in words everything that has gone on with me this past year! I've definitely had more downs than ups! I've always relied heavily on God to carry me through but this year that was seriously put to the test. I didn't know my faith could waiver so much! I didn't know my faith in HIM as so conditional! Which is so very sad! HE has always been faithful to me even in the "bad times". I've always praised HIM in the storm because I knew at least he was trying me. HE doesn't love me if HE doesn't try me! But this year, I'm sad to report that my faith wavered much and I was very angry. Not just at God, but at everyone and everything! I fought daily with bitterness and anger. I was taking it out on my children and my marriage. I stopped talking to a LOT of people! I became a lot less social! Which, for anyone who knows me knows that's HUGE! I did confide in a few select people, but even friends who I considered "close" don't know everything I've been through this year. And honestly, am still going through. I couldn't believe how much I let anger consume me! That is a dangerous feeling! I really don't consider myself an angry person. Have I been angry over certain things? Well sure! Who hasn't? But in general I just kinda go with the flow and find the positive side to it all! Not this year! It was very hard for me to be thankful for anything! Not that I found myself thinking of killing myself (please don't mistake that!) but I found myself asking why I was even here? What's the point? Would people be better off without me? I was so angry and damaging my children and my marriage was definitely being put to the test. It had become all about me and how to make me feel better. I actually became a bit manic in my behaviors! One day I was really high up and the next day I'd be so low! It became impossible to live life. All along in my head I knew the way I was acting wasn't okay. I knew it needed to be fixed but at one point I got so low and lost I didn't know HOW! HOW do I fix this?! Where do I start? Sadly my first option was not to get on my knees. It should've been! But I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't provoke me to more anger. Different people would give advice but honestly, the only things that stuck (even if they made me feel worse about myself) were the things that were either Biblically based or scripture. As hard as I tried, those things wouldn't stop nagging me. Finally I got into counseling. It's not something I make publicly known. I believe I blogged about it previously. But it's a step I took in order to get my head above water. OH! Of course while all this mental struggle was going on I'm sure you can imagine how my body handled all that. With each increasing day my body physical took beat downs. The trash I ate, the sometimes laziness (not being able to move off the couch)....I mean...the toll on my body physically was definitely taking a HUGE hit! So in addition to struggling mentally my physical body was taking it hard too! So I made the step to start counseling. Through counseling I was able to feel like I could breathe again. That I could tackle each individual problem. Obviously since I was recovering my chemo, my body wasn't back to "normal" So all the while I'm trying to mentally fight and left and right there would be all kinds of problems. Of course the stress and depression didn't help. But a body can't heal from poison, like that! So once I started counseling things did start looking up. I learned to embrace my faults (not all) more! To be encouraged by them because it assures me that A)I'm alive and B)I'm not perfect. But God is in me and HE is perfect and HIS plan for me is perfect! I just can't believe everything I've been through this year. I can honestly say I've never worked harder on my mental state of mind, in my entire life! Hahaha! Of course with that comes spiritual healing! I have to say there's one friend who's stood out to me this entire time without knowing all the details. Of course there have been many BUT Arielle Gonzalez! Never did she fail to bring it back to scripture! And every turn! She always made me feel encouraged because she wouldn't judge or minimize my emotions/feelings but was always empathetic and encouraging in all the right ways! Frequently quoting scripture and reminding me that God is Wonderful, Powerful and Mighty! And HE can and will help me through! I thank you Arielle because even though we've never met in person I am so encouraged and blessed to have you as a friend! Like I said, there were of course many others who have helped me on this journey...and are still helping me through in all the right ways. So thank you to all of you! You all know who you are! <3 So now that this blog is done, I will soon be heading over to Megan's house for a celebratory Anniversary dinner! She is making healthy homemade Chinese (because I've been craving it) and we're going to celebrate a year of being chemo free! We weren't friends back when I went through chemo so I feel incredibly blessed to have her making such efforts to encourage me on my journey! <3