Day Dreaming....

I find myself day dreaming quite often these days. I mean, when I think about it....isn't day dreaming a regular part of life? I guess not. Because the other day while day dreaming I realized it'd been awhile since I let my mind wonder. For awhile now I've wanted things. I've wanted to be more fit and loose a lot of weight. I've wanted to not be so depressed and hormonal. I've wanted my body to go back to the way it was when I was young and carefree. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be active with my little family. I mean....let's be honest...when do we NOT want something? Ha! It's in our sinful nature to want. But for me a lot of those things had become obsessive to the point of unhealthy. It's been very difficult for me lately. A lot of people assume because I beat Leukemia that I'm good now. And heck! I assumed that! I had NO idea my body would struggle SO hard to get back to anything remotely normal. Through so much work, I'm mentally starting to get back to a normal state. But it's very difficult when your body is struggling and holding you back. But mentally I've noticed a huge difference in my thinking! Example, the day dreaming. The other day I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a baby. Not necessarily wanting it, but just dreaming about how nice it would be. It would be nice to have a girl, but I don't know if that's in my plans. I've noticed that I seem to tolerate boys better. Obviously I would relate to a girl more easily. But after a lot of observation, I've noticed that I am a lot more relaxed when dealing with boys, than other moms. haha! So maybe it's all boys for me? Who knows! But eventually my little family will be adorable. I mean, we're already adorable! But maybe one day God will bless us! Maybe one day I can finally get my body under control. Maybe one day I won't need medicine to keep me from struggling so hard. Today may not be that day....but until then I'm going to keep chugging along. Day dreaming and just thinking about the future. Some where along the way I stopped dreaming. Hopefully this will be a new start for me.....

It's Time......

So this blog post has been a long time coming. I've been very closed about my struggles recently. Which is new for me because everyone who knows me knows, I'm quick to share personal details. haha Even things that people may consider "TMI". I'm just very open about things. And honestly, people who are around me know my struggles because I have talked about some of them....but I've kept a lot of it off social media. The main reason? Because I was really low. I didn't know up from down. I didn't know left or right. I just didn't know how to respond with everything going on. I was completely stuck. For the first time in my life, I couldn't just look at the positive and motivate myself that way. I was truly honestly 100% stuck. My life has not turned out how I predicted. Oh yeah, of course, life never goes the way you want it to. Oh yes! I do have SO much to be grateful for. And HECK YES, God has blessed me through ups AND downs. But for awhile there it was hard enough to even get out of bed. Seriously, I don't say that as an exaggeration. And yes, I know I'm extremely overweight....but it hurt to open my eyes. It hurt to realize I had a full day ahead of me and I had to survive it. I never thought the easy part of my life would be, beating cancer. Seriously?! Like.....thinking back...I was a trooper! Theo and I were talking about it last night. I remember many visits with friends or family or outings where I felt like utter crap. I was so tired, exhausted and achy. And I put a smile on my face and enjoyed the company. Because it felt good to do so. Because it felt nice to pretend to be normal. haha! I didn't honestly think of it as hard. I was grateful that I coasted through chemo treatments. Side affects that normally happen to people, didn't happen to me. What an awesome experience! I could've stood to loose some weight through it all, but the Dr's told me that my weight was actually what helped keep things so mild for me. Crazy, huh? Anyways, everyone praised me with how much I trusted God through it all and how happy I was. I was a huge testimony in the hospital because I was able to witness to so many people just by always having a smile on my face. It was a blessing! Sure there were some obstacles that were a bit hard. Like realizing that to survive for my current children, might mean not being able to have any more. And honestly, I've told many people...that's the thing that hurt THE most about cancer. I was fortunate to get a "Good Kind of Cancer" so surviving wasn't iffy for me. It was a definite thing. I was going to live. Phew! I got many questions on how I felt when they told me I had Leukemia. How I felt when I found out just how close I came to dying. Literally. People don't realize that either. I was within a week of dying. The Dr's were impressed I survived so long without going to the hospital. My honest answer to their questions were that I was okay with it. I trusted God and HIS plan. And of COURSE I didn't want to leave my babies (they were so young) or my husband (married less than 5 years). But I knew God had me in HIS hands and HIS plan is perfect no matter what. HE gave me such grace to handle everything and honestly....it was easy. Plain and simple. Theo admitted last night that I handled cancer better than he did. He was a wreck. Granted, he had much more of the responsibility...planning out money, figuring out housing, taking care of the kids....it would be very easy for someone to just completely break down through all of that. But my husband handled it like a champ! Didn't even gain much weight. Continued working and working out! Always made sure I was okay and did any and everything for me. He's a real life Hero, folks! But anyways, basically what I'm trying to say is that having cancer was nothing. It was a piece of cake. After being seriously ill away from my home for 6 months I was past eager to be back in my own home. We arrived back home November 5th, 2013. It was GLORIOUS! Honestly....it took me a good two weeks to feel like it wasn't all a dream. I felt odd and out of place. My home was definitely comforting and my GOODNESS did it feel SO good to sleep in my own bed. But I found myself kinda feeling like I was floating and not really there. It was strange. But after 2-3 weeks that wore off and I tackled life by the horns and took control and settled back into "normal life". That lasted me about a good month and a half. Then things started to slowly fall apart. I didn't know why but I lost all energy. I had NONE! I couldn't figure it out. Then I panicked that I was sick again! After going to my first check-up with my Oncologist here in Michigan and getting a yearly check-up with my GYN I felt reassured enough that I wasn't sick again. In fact several of things had improved, like my 115 pulse was down to a 89! PRAISE GOD! So after those appointments I went home and felt pretty determined to start my life over again. Loose weight, finally get completely healthy and hopefully settle into having a new baby some time in the near future. Well after a couple of weeks I just couldn't get with the program. It was hard to keep up with every day chores like feeding my children. That simple. Feeding my children was a CHORE. I tried to be a successful Mom. But I was failing. Terribly. Because I have little one's, often my basic chores are all about just feeding/clothing/keeping the kids out of danger. It was SO very difficult to even keep up with that. Like I said...waking up in the mornings became so very difficult! Theo and I made the decision together that this year I would try and stay medicine free. Meaning no birth control (cause I really don't believe in that stuff anyways, no extra chemo pills etc. I was so happy about that plan because believe me, I took ENOUGH pills last year, to last me a lifetime! This was the year I was going to get healthy! I had started it really good last year before I got sick. Then once I got sick it all went out the window. But this time I wasn't going to have anything hold me back. Well, since I was "pill free" that meant trying to get my body back to a "normal" state after chemo. I did loose my period for about 3 months. (a normal side affect to chemo) Once it came back though, it went right back to it's regularly monthly schedule. I honestly was encouraged by that. Many people loose their period with the first treatment and don't get it back for a long time. It took me til my last chemo to loose mine and it was only gone for 3 months! So I was encouraged! Maybe having a baby after all this would be possible! Anyway, even though I was getting my regularly scheduled period, my hormones were completely out of whack. Seriously, I start PMSing HARD at least a full week ahead of time. Most of the time 2-3 weeks ahead of time. It really only seems I have a week to just feel "okay". So not only was I an emotional wreck, but I had horrible hormone symptoms. I won't go into all those details but it was BAD! Basically I felt pregnant every month. Which, when you wanted to have a baby LAST YEAR....it can be very emotional and rough. So I was dealing with that. In order to get my body on track, I was keeping very close track of my temperature every morning before I even sat up in bed. I was taking ovulation tests every afternoon to just track myself and see where my body was at. Basically I was doing all kinds of natural things to prevent pregnancy (since I was clearly so unhealthy) and attempt to get my body back to normal. In short? It was exhausting! Then my Memaw passed away. Something I'm not very comfortable talking about even now. Honestly, I haven't dealt with it. I have so many other issues that are affecting my daily life that I've decided to just kinda put that on the back burner. But it doesn't stop me from missing her. I'd say in the past month I've literally grabbed my phone, headed out the front door, sat on the front porch and gone to dial her number. The sadness that I feel when I realize I can call that number but I won't ever hear her voice again, is very overwhelming. Honestly, just can't talk about it now. But it was HUGE for me. I've never lost someone close to me before. So in addition to the craziness of my life....I had sadness. After my Memaw passed away, that's when it got bad. Really bad. I stopped talking. I didn't want to hang out with anyone. HUGE red flag for this social butterfly! My husband was at a loss as to what to do for me. He was miserable because I was miserable. And for the first time in our marriage things got bumpy. I realized later that I couldn't talk because there were so many things I didn't know HOW to talk. I didn't know what to say any more. I didn't know how to put words to the issues/feelings I had. It was nuts! I've never been in a darker place in my life! Of course, meanwhile, I still have to be Mom and friend/daughter/wife etc. It was so difficult. Eventually I took a huge step and started seeing a counselor. Honestly, I've debated SO many times whether to put this out there. There are SOOOO many people who I can name off the top of my head that could be very critical of that. Others who will quietly sit back and judge. But I've come a long way in the past 2 months. I'm working on being bold to say the things I believe/feel/want/need. It's hard. Because for so long I've always been about helping everyone else. Sure I'd talk about my problems...but I worked harder on everyone else's problems. I watched what I said to certain people for fear of judgement. I'm working on not being that way any more. I started going to counseling because I was stuck. I didn't know how to communicate any more, much less solve ANY of my problems. I was 100% detached from life. I felt nothing towards my kids. That's right. Nothing. And I'm not exaggerating. I acted like I felt something. After they would do something that would typically be deemed "cute" I would respond in that way. But I wouldn't feel it genuinely was cute. Honestly? My husband didn't know how bad things were because I was a VERY good actress! Who knew? haha! I surely didn't know I had it in me. There are certain people who were around me all the time who saw the pain though. I'd say out of all my friends/family Theo and Carissa are the only one's who really know. Carissa has been with me on almost a daily basis. She has done SO much for me in these past few months. From just coming over to let me cry and sulk in my own misery, to being protective over me whens someone would say something (Unknowingly) on FB. And that's not to say that there haven't been other people who have helped out too! Even from far away Kristen, Arielle and Ruth have been there. To just say "I love you!" or "How can I pray for you today?" or really...anything. To just be there. They've also been there to keep me accountable. To tell me things I may not wanna hear, but that are still truth. And recently LaToya has gone FAR above and beyond! Taking my boys so Theo and I could have a night away while she was in pain was such a huge blessing...honestly...I have no words! Thank you and gratitude just don't seem enough! So, there are been people in my life who have been very helpful. And even some of these people don't know the extent of everything. Because like I said...up until now, I've been pretty selective and closed mouthed about it. Counseling has definitely helped me communicate better. I feel more attached to my children and husband. I mean...so many of these things I just didn't expect. I didn't realize how different my children would be when I got them back after SIX MONTHS!!!! How much they'd grown. How much they'd changed because I wasn't the one raising them. I didn't expect that at all! All this is basically to say, that it's been very hard for me to recover after cancer. And not just physically...but emotionally. I've made small changes in my life. Like staying off FB. I'm just not into stressing myself out by comparing my lives to others and feeling ungrateful. That's not even Godly! OH! And speaking of...that's another thing I've been struggling with. I still believe in God. I know all the facts. I know HE has a plan and it's perfect..but as of the past few months I've been angry. I've been hurt. That's not something fun to admit. But I'm doing it because as much as I want you all to know....I want to be there to help someone else. I want them to know that it happens. And it's OKAY! You're not an evil person. These things happen. I'm not 100% normal or better. Every day is still very much a struggle for me. Funny side note (still relevant, I promise. lol)Theo and I watched this movie called What About Bob? It was hilarious! In the movie the crazy patient (Bob) hooks onto his psychologist phrase and book "Baby Steps" He mumbles it to himself when trying to overcome obstacles he struggles with. I laughed because it's hilarious. Then later I realized how true it actually is! These days its very easy for me to feel inadequate or overwhelmed. When that happens...I try and sit back, breath and remind myself..baby steps. What's the smallest thing I can do RIGHT NOW...to help the situation? Which most the time, the basic step is reminding myself that God loves me and HE does have a plan. And that does bring comfort. My life is far from perfect. And some people may say I need to stop having a pity party and be grateful for everything I have. The fact of the matter is, I'm struggling. It happens. I'm also working hard EVERY.SINGLE.DAY to be better. To accept and move on. But, I'm struggling now. And it's okay! It's okay to say/admit. And it doesn't matter how much judgement I get for this post or how much people may criticize and say "You didn't need to share that!" or "Stop being a baby...some people don't survive cancer". This is real to me! And one of the things I'm working on is being brave and bold! I don't care what judgments you have about me/my posts/my life, believe me...I am fully aware of my flaws. But baby steps. One day at a time. Live my life one baby step at a time.


BE BRAVE!!!!! BE DARING!!!!! BE BOLD!!!!! LIVE YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

A Personal Barrier Broken.......

So, I just had to blog about this because one day I think it'll make me laugh! In the 4 years I've been a mother I have NEVER let my boys play with Play-Doh or paint! They have done paint for certain projects I've done...but not like playing themselves. It's because the mess terrifies me! I am an organized clean person (for the most part) and chaos and mess literally drives me NUTS! I've known since we found out we were pregnant with our second boy, that my world on clean/neat/organization would end. Not that I wouldn't try, but more that my two boys would flip my world upside down and I'd have to give up on things being the way I wanted them to be. Well, recently through encouragement from a friend, I overcame the mental struggle and let my kids play with Play-Doh! I basically had to set it up for them and leave the room. haha! I just knew seeing them mix those colors would KILL me! ha! So, I set them up in the kitchen and went to the living room to attack a project I'd been meaning to do! It went better than expected! Yes there were a few small things I had to clean up but it kept them occupied and happy! So here's to me breaking mental barriers! And here's to my boys being happy! Thank you LaToya (Aunt Toya) for the encouragement! The boys and I thank you! :-) P.S. I did find a way to make myself happier with Play-Doh....keeping it organized after they're done playing! ;-)

The Big 4!!!!!!

So as usual, I'm behind on this blog post! He turned 4 on March 27th and today is May 21st. Almost 2 months late! But I have to say, I think its an improvement! Hahaha! Hey, I'm a busy mom of two...who has time to blog?! Ha! So here we go!


Isaiah's FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Birthday: March 27th
Age: 4
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Food: Pizza
Favorite Drink: Milk
Best Friend: Alexander Hercula
Favorite Parent: Still 99.9% Daddy's boy
Weight: 54lbs Holding strong at 98th percentile
Height: Is it okay if I say I can't remember? haha! Still in 98th percintle for height too
Favorite Thing To Do: Watch tv Favorite Show: Scooby-Doo or anything violent like Batman (which he doesn't get to watch often because he reenacts Batman's moves on his brother.)
Recent Obsession: Anything robotic
Potty Trained: We're working on a sticker chart but it would appear he's day AND night time trained officially! Hooray for Mom and Dad's budget!


Isaiah has such a personality like his Momma! Strong, observant, loves laughing, total people person, independant and always trys to help. Even if it's not helpful, you can definitely tell he's thinking ahead and trying to be helpful! He loves following right behind his Daddy and doing what he does! Always eager to learn! Forgot to mention he lost is first tooth! It had to be pulled due to an abscess from when he hit his tooth on the coffee table when he was one. But he's an adorable toothless boy! I can't believe our first born is 4!

Shopping with Children

MY GOODNESS! So! With the craziness of the past two weeks our food supply has pretty much gone down to zero. So I figured since this is Theo's long week of work (meaning he's only off Wed/Thur) I had to do it myself. So....I take Collin to go get his xray. Done! In and out in an impressive/painless 15 minutes! I'm feeling GOOD! Move on to shopping at Aldi. Yes! We shop at Aldi. I know it's not a name brand store, but it's within our budget and what we can afford. We cannot buy everything from there but we get most of our stuff from there. Being that we were down to zero I got two carts. Collin in 1 and Isaiah in the other. Anyone who's ever had little one's (especially two boys) close together can probably guess how I was doing in the store. Struggling to steer/drive both carts, trying to keep the boys in order, trying to get everything I need...etc. I'm working up a good sweat by the 2nd isle. Anywho! I'm in the last isle. In the freezer section. Isaiah starts laughing and talking pretty loudly about butts. I politely remind him that it's not appropriate to speak like that. Meanwhile Collin is reaching for something he's not supposed to and I tell him to keep to himself. His response was "I did!" and I firmly quietly remind him that his answer should only be "Yes Momma!" A lady with sunglasses stops and says "Bravo! The way you are speaking to your children is unbelievable." Because I couldn't see her eyes I was confused for a minute....she continued on about how she really was impressed with how I was handling everything and how well I spoke to my boys. How I actually bothered to correct them. I was completely flattered. I worry all the time about keeping them under control, getting what I need to get done and keeping my emotions in check. Cause lets face it, shopping with toddlers is emotional. Haha! Anyways, I thanked her. And she thanked me for raising children who are so well behaved. So by this point Isaiah is out of the cart and I now have two pretty full carts. I let a few people in line in front of me because I knew I had a crap ton of stuff. I start loading my stuff from the first cart onto the belt. Isaiah is behind with the 2nd cart. A lady comes up and asks in a really rude way "Is this yours too?!?!" I replied that it was. She rolled her eyes at me. Seriously?! Meanwhile I'm in a full on sweat trying to unload all of this stuff, keep the boys in line and make sure I have my purse. Just in case anyone knows...Aldi doesn't bag your stuff for you...it's all piled into the cart and then you can bag it yourself. So, I finally make it to the next cart. Unload that. The lady behind me is giving me quite an attitude. Mind you she didn't come up until AFTER I had already started checking out. Too late to let her in front of me. Get through the check-out process. At some point another register had opened and multiple people had checked out. As I'm trying to wheel to heavy full carts out to the parking lot....through a tight space because someone didn't put their carts up against the counter etc....a lady rudely says "You do a whole months shopping?!" Uhm...so what if I do?! It really aggravated me. Instead of saying...here, let me move my cart out of your way or GO MOM she chooses to criticize with her tone. Seriously?! I wheel, with quite difficulty, out to the car. Isaiah gets in and I make Collin stay in the cart since it's warm out. Here's where I'd like to take a quick break and say...I LOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!! It has underneath storage. I used that space to put all the chips/bread/eggs all the breakables that always seem to get squished, in! It was AMAZING! But anyways, then I had to proceed to put all the stuff in my reusable shopping bags. So I eventually move Collin to his seat and continue bagging everything and putting it in the trunk. I notice the same lady who rolled her eyes at me earlier, walk by with a scoff. And a few other people walked by like "Why in the world does she have 2 carts?!" After I'm in the car heading toward Meijer to get the food Collin can eat, I start thinking about the small looks and comments. Why was I judged for doing my shopping at Aldi? Why was I being judged for shopping for a month. Instead of offering a helping hand, I got so many nasty looks...as if I shouldn't buy as much as I was buying. How did they know I didn't have more children at home? How did they know it was maybe only 1-2 weeks worth of food for my family? Why would they make that judgement? Why can't a busy mom go into the grocery story and buy what she needs and that be that? It opened my eyes a bit. Because even though I've never been upset over how much a person buys, I've made judgements on people shopping and what they're buying. I don't know their circumstance. I'm always more compassionate for other Mom's out there. I always make an effort to open a door or let them know their kid dropped their binky. Today, with all the exhaustion/frustration/work I could've used someone to say "Hey! While you're unloading that cart, I'll help unload this one!" Or talked to my boys like they were human beings and not a nuisance. I'm SO very glad that one lady was nice enough to compliment me, because had she not...I probably would've ended up crying. I had to do all of that then come home and unload and put all of it away. People, let us remember that we don't know everyone's circumstances. Some of us don't have husband's who are home every evening and weekend to help out. Some of us are single parents (I don't know HOW y'all do it!). There's so many different circumstances.......something as simple as the grocery store...shouldn't be a judgment zone. haha Anyways, that's my rant. This started as a Facebook status and got too long so now it's a blog post. Grocery shopping with two boys (young in age and 17mo apart) is not a bucket full of cherries my friend. Lend a helping hand to the next struggling Mom you come across! :-)

Hair, Hair, Hair

So I can't remember if I've said much on this subject or not. And what does it matter? It's my blog. haha It's late at night, I can't sleep, so I was watching Parenthood. I'm totally hooked on this show. Christina, one of the characters, got breast cancer. Which of course hit pretty close to home for me. I'm grateful I didn't have that kind. But, the struggle, the emotions just become so raw again whenever I watching or hear of someone going through it. I was so incredibly blessed because I didn't have a painful cancer and I didn't get very sick from chemo. But it was still a huge struggle in my life. Anyways, one of the episodes, Christina shaves her head. Woah! I did NOT expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotion. I mean, this is March and I had to do that back in September/October. Barely 6 months ago. I have hair now. I wasn't completely bald for a long time. But the raw emotion of being stripped of your womanhood. Not because you want to. Not because you'll think you'll look good.....because you HAVE to. So many people have said "Oh you look good!" or "you're rocking that bald head" etc. To be honest...it doesn't make you feel more a woman because someone says so. I had worked so hard to grow my hair out. To have it long. Then I had to shave it. There was no security on my head. No covering. When I was busy being insecure about about my body (all my new scars, bruises etc) I didn't have anything to take away from that. In fact, a bald head draws attention. I had forgotten about all the stares I'd get when we were out. The pitying look. Not that I'm mad at those people...but it makes you feel so open and exposed. In the next episode, Christina bought a wig and had a special night out with her hubby. I don't feel like going into my personal details on the matter. But, I just could so relate and it was strange to me how raw it all still felt. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I was just remembering the pain and emotions of not having hair....and it's indescribable. And I'm pretty sure it's something I will never forget. Ever.

Mind Blown....

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. That is mostly because our computer was completely shot for at least 2 months. I think it was longer than that. And I simply cannot blog on my phone. Never going to happen. So it's been awhile but today I felt was a perfect time to start back up.


So, today I decided to finally focus on me. It's been a couple of weeks since I've exercised or really done anything for "me". I think this winter is really getting to me. It's hard to stay motivated and focused when you don't have a vehicle, you're stuck at home all the time with two little ones and there's hardly ever any sun out. I can really feel a drastic mood change when a little bit of sun peeks through the clouds. I mean its rare...but I need some sun to stay motivated. Anyways, I finally had enough energy these past two days to feel up to doing anything at all! Which is pretty big. So I decided to start my "me time" with some good 'ol soul fixing Bible time. I'm not even going to sit her and lie. Pretend like I study my Bible on a consistent basis.I don't. Ever since I had kids it's so fallin so far below my list of priorities. It's sad. And I'm ashamed to admit it. But I also know I can't move forward or be better if I can't admit that to myself. So here I am, saying I SUCK at sticking with Bible studying. But I have recently realized that I can't be a better Hannah, unless I'm staying strong in my scriptures. So here's to a better Hannah! :)


So a dear friend sent me these little booklets called "Tabletalk" We had been discussing how it would help my growth more to get started in something. We talked about how it would be easier to start off with kind of a guide to spark some interest in studying something. So she sent me quite a few options! Today I started into the "Anxiety" one. I haven't really been struggling with Anxiety, so much as stress and worry. (which is basically the same thing) So, I began reading. The first article was titled "Thinking Biblically about Worry" Right up my alley! Within the first few words I was hooked. I pulled out my Bible and started reading the scriptural references. I just couldn't get enough! Then after I finished reading the article, I found myself automatically bowing my head as tears streamed down my face. It was just so moving, encouraging, helpful, insightful...I basically was just overcome with emotions. I posted a quote from this article on my Facebook. This is what I posted. "Things that were not designed to give us peace and over which we have no control become our replacement messiahs. We ask them to do for us what only God is able to do. You see, here is what happens: important things ( like family, work, housing, money, etc.) become all too important to us because they become the places we look to for rest. When they do, they not only do not give us rest, they become the reason for the endless cycles of worry, anxiety, and fear that, frankly are in the daily lives of too many believers. Your job is important, but it must not be the source of your identity, and when it is, it becomes the cause of endless anxiety. Your marriage or friendships are important but they must not be the place you look for inner peace."-Dr Paul David Tripp WOW!!! Just plain and simple...Wow! I have always been one to love my friends with wide open arms. All of my friends know that I am there for them above and beyond. So when I read this I realized how much hurt I've also experienced in friendships. How often I have stress and worry over friendships. Could it be, that I've stored up WAY too much treasure in my friendships? Or relationships in general? I'm very much a people pleaser. I love to see people happy. Maybe that's this area of my life has always been more dramatic than other areas. Just...wow! I started reflecting back to last year. The ups, the downs, the highs and lows. So many people made so many comments about how positive I was through my struggles. How much they've learned from me and been inspired by me. It was good to hear. Of course! Who doesn't like hearing how awesome they are? haha But it hit me today after reading this...but God is my EVERYTHING! The reason I had peace through such turmoil is because I knew...living or dead....God was my all! I spent a lot of times just throwing my burdens at HIS feet! Realizing that I can't handle my worry. Realizing that my worry and stress could have peace. I know God's strength. I know it now more than I ever did! He does miracles! MIRACLES! Just take a second to think about that. Miracles. Things that can't be explained. Things that shouldn't be....are. How crazy strong is God? Often times people always say "I don't know how you do it!" We are a one income family. We have one shared vehicle. I homeschool my boys. (not full time mind you...)I'm a stay at home Mom. I recovered from cancer. I don't know if I'll ever have a baby. People often make that statement when they hear me speak of these things. And yet, I don't feel worried or bothered by them. Well, the baby thing has definitely been a struggle...but I've grown SO much in just a couple of months. Anyways, my point is, I have my faith. I cling to it! I am NOT defined by my circumstances. I am defined by Christ. I am here for HIM. For HIS glory! And even though sometimes I don't know what that means....I have complete peace that HE is with me and HE will show me the path I'm destined to be on. Just thinking about it all is moving me to tears (again) and I just have a very warm feeling all over. Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name? You are magnificent God! I love you! And I'm grateful, thankful and blessed to be one of YOURS! Thank you for limiting my anxiety, worry, stress. Thank you for always doing what really is best for me even though I don't know it! Thank you!


Who Am I? by Casting Crowns




Matthew 6 & Pslam Chapter 3 and 4