I wasn't exactly expecting that.....

So, I am about to begin my first chemo treatment in the morning. So far this process has been really nothing but a process for me. "What's the problem?" "We have to do A, B, C to fix it." "Let's get on it" Just a process. I know that God is in control and I was 100% secure in that. I guess it was only a matter of time. Today a friend came to visit me. She basically encouraged me to consider all options before starting chemo. Specifically considering storing my eggs. So I called my Dr to discuss more in detail the risk/time frame...etc. He was pretty straight forward with me. The chances of me being INFERTILE after chemo tends to be way higher than the chances of being fertile. It's more likely that I will be infertile than fertile. Which, obviously when I heard it....took a bit of stab to my heart. After discussing the options for going through a procedure to save and harvest my eggs...we thought...even at an accelerated rate...it'd take probably a week to save my eggs. I have acute Leukemia which means....fast moving. He explained to me that it's totally my choice but the reason they're acting so quickly is because it's not as bad right now. As of now I don't have to have a bone marrow transplant. If I let this prolong...there's no telling exactly what could happen. So...when praying and thinking about it more, I realized....it's not worth risking my life and possibly making things worse. I already have TWO beautiful children who need their mother. How fair would it be to them to risk my life to harvest eggs for a possible 3rd child. When I already have TWO that are here NOW and need me NOW. So, it was definitely a tough blow. I just wasn't expecting those numbers. I wasn't expecting that. I guess I should have expected that....but doesn't change the hurt.


I am 27 years old. I have cancer. I have a family. I have children. I may never be able to have children ever again. That's not something easy to accept. I know God's in control. 100% I know that! 100% I know...that no matter what...if God wants me to have that little girl...I WILL have it! No matter what! It doesn't take away the pain that it may not happen. It doesn't take away the pain that while many other women are growing their families as they planned and it all seems to be fitting into place, I'm sitting in the hospital away from my children with cancer and fighting for my life. Does it make my jealous of them right?! No! Do I feel bitterness to them? Not now. Maybe later. Does that make it okay? No! My heart grieves that I may NEVER again feel a child moving and kicking on the inside of me. It might also come more of a blow because recently I've been really looking into a healthier way to have a baby. Considering all my options. So that probably doesn't help. But still. I just needed to blog my feelings. I'm publicly saying, I understand that some of these feelings aren't okay. Some need to be corrected...and will in time. But I'm hurt. And this is not something easy to handle. But God NEVER gives you anything you can't deal with. And I KNOW that going through this will only strengthen my faith in HIM.


I would like to say, that I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. This is just a "me space" where I can go and talk about how I'm feeling. I'm not looking for comments. I'm not talking or hating anyone specifically. Just venting frustrations and hurts. That's all! This is not a blog post intending to hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, I'm very sorry. Not my intention. I just need to vent and get it out. I hope that God really works on my heart and fast so that I can be happy for others. Also...if you have some correction to make to my choices...please keep it to yourself. I don't need someone commenting telling me options I have or things I could do differently. Theo and I have talked and this is the path we're taking.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
1 Corinthians 10:13 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Life Changing Event!

So I thought I'd blog before everything gets going and I don't have energy to. I found out on Thursday, May 30, 2013 that I have Leukemia. But let me do a back story.


A couple of weeks ago I started seeing bruises in random places on my body. Which is odd. I normally can't see my bruises through my dark skin. But it'd see really tiny ones and shrug it off. Well, we then came to visit Virginia and attend my brother's VATech graduation. That was May 16th that we came into town. In the morning of the 17th I was heading into the shower when I caught a glance in the mirror. I had a HUGE ugly looking bruise under my left boob. Odd place to have a boob. It FREAKED me out!!!!!! So I showered and went to the Patient First. They drew a whole bunch of blood. Which I knew they'd do anyways. Said they'd get back to me. Well, by Saturday they called to say that my platelet counts were extremely low. And that my blood wasn't clotting like it was supposed to. Basically that's all they'd say. It didn't mean anything to me. And when I asked them "What does that mean?! What do I need to do?! Am I doing something?" they couldn't clearly answer. So I called my Dr that following Monday. She thought we should just watch it and see what happens. Because I'd fallen and sprained my ankle back in March, I'd taken more than I normally do, in Motrin. So she thought that might be it. She said once I got back into town we'd just retest my blood to see where I was at. Well on Tuesday, May 28th I was in Wal-Mart and felt wet underwear. Which I thought odd. Since I'm VERY regular AND track my period I knew it was probably my period just come early. I get to the bathroom and I'd soaked my underwear. Weird. I've never done that. Even after having a baby. Well, it increasingly got worse. I had to wear a super tampon AND a thick pad and all that was being changed every 10 minutes. Well the next day (Wednesday)I went to lunch with two girlfriends. They basically forced me to the hospital after I told them what was going on. Praise God for that! All the Dr's and nurses in the E.R. were freaking out. I was basically gushing blood, plus all my odd bruises and apparently my eyes were really yellow. They tested my blood and said I was extremely anemic and everything was low...like...really low. So they had me admitted.


Since the first bruise, I looked it up on google and the first thing that pops up is Leukemia! So I knew it was a possibility. Once everyone seemed to dance around what the problem could be...I already knew. Oddly enough...I'm okay! I'm praising God because it is the most common and easiest cancer to heal. APL or AML M3. So I am simply ecstatic over that! I'm also praising God that we found out when we were with all family and friends. Now I'm in Virginia with all the help I could ever wish for! So that's a huge relief!

So as I embark on this new journey, I pray that God simply keeps me living for HIM and doing HIS will! I know he has me going through this for a reason. I hate giving up my Mother and wife responsibilities. But I know God knows what's best for me and I'm confident in that! :) So....bring it on! :)

Approaching Mother's Day!

So I got an urge to blog. I am SO behind in my blogging. Isaiah has turned 3 and I have yet to do a 3 year summary of his life. Ugh! I'm just always finding other things to do instead of blogging. Hopefully I can do that soon! Along with Isaiah's 3 year pictures. haha! Soooo behind.


Anyways, I last minute remembered Mother's Day is approaching on Sunday. Wow! Seriously, so far. This year has FLOWN by! Am I the only one who's holiday's have just snuck up on them?! After trying to figure out what kind of card to make our mothers (mine and Theo's) I then started reflecting on me, as a mother. I have two healthy, happy boys. Okay...maybe Collin has some health issues...but in general is a healthy boy. Both boys are happy and very much are thriving in their environment. I've had two pregnancies thus far. But yet I can't help but feeling I'm missing a child this Mother's Day. Some of you know, I honestly think most of you know, Collin was a twin. At the time we didn't know it. I just thought I was having a miscarriage. Then 2 weeks later when they wanted to re-test my hcg levels to make sure they'd gone all the way down, they find it's actually gone up higher. SURPRISE! You're still pregnant! haha! Anyways, that was very much a pleasant surprise. I know that miscarriages are a pretty common thing. I know that so many women who I PERSONALLY know have had at least one. I also know that God knows my needs/desires of my heart/wants. I dealt with the miscarriage fairly well because I KNEW...without a doubt God knew what was best for me and my family. Clearly I wasn't meant to have twins. Clearly at the time I was meant to think I wasn't having a baby. I was okay with that because even if I don't necessarily understand why, I know GOD knows...and who better to trust?!?! But for some reason....maybe because I have baby fever, maybe because I really want a girl, maybe because I've been seeing a lot of twins around here, maybe because sometimes it seems like Collin is incomplete.....I dunno....but I've been missing his twin. I've been feeling like I don't have all of my children around me. There are lots of views and opinions on miscarriage. Some believe it's a baby no matter what. Some believe that when you miscarry as early on as I did (around 5-6 weeks) that it doesn't really qualify as a baby. MY opinion (and since it's my blog I can say what I want...hehehehe)is that God blessed me with a life and just because it didn't get to continue growing doesn't make it's time in me, less important. So...when I see the way Collin behaves...and it just seems like he's missing something. He's missing a buddy, someone who he's connected to....I feel that. I feel it really REALLY deep down. Sure! Collin has an older brother! But they're 17mo apart (which is pretty close to some people)and everyone knows twins, more often than not, have a special connection to each other. So for some reason...sometimes I see Collin and the way he behaves and it just seems like he's missing a piece of him. It's odd. Of course maybe this is just all in my head because I'm feeling a missing piece of my heart. But since this is my blog, I just decided to blog it out and see if that helped.


So, Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mother's. Those who are pregnant with their first, those who have children running around them, those who's children have since grown and moved on, those who have tried but had many "unsuccessful" pregnancies......Happy Mother's Day to you all! Because we all deal with things differently. We all have desires of our heart. What I pray is that you pray and cry out to God with your heart. Lean on HIM. HE is the ONLY thing that will make you feel 100% loved and complete. HE is all knowing! Happy Mother's Day to you all! :)


"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil. 8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones." Proverbs 3:5-8

101?

So apparently I have written 100 blog posts! Wow! That's the most I think I've ever written in anything. A journal or xanga! haha! Anyone remember xanga? Yeah, I don't even remember what I wrote on there. Mostly dramatic stuff since I had it when I was young! LOL So happy 101 post to me! :)

Just Piggy Backing.....

So I have a new friend who just posted a blog praising her husband. (http://agonzalez1010.blogspot.com/2013/03/bragging-on-my-man.html) After reading her post I realized I do not give my husband enough verbal credit. I sure do appreciate the things he does in my head but I don't think I say OUT LOUD enough, how much I actually DO appreciate him! So I'm going to piggy back off my new friend Arielle's idea and dedicate a blog post to him! :) Hope you don't mind Arielle!


My husband is amazing. Bottom line. When I think about all his qualities and personality traits it all comes back to him just overall being awesome sauce. Does he have flaws? Why yes! Of course! He wouldn't be human otherwise. But overall he is one of the best men I've ever known in my entire life.

He and I grew up together. He used to be so weird and sheltered. Which really wasn't his fault. His parents chose to raise him a certain way (which happened to be near complete opposite of how I was raised) and as a result he came off almost like an un-known creature to me. Even as a young child I didn't hate him or anything, I just didn't understand him. haha! Anyways, once we started talking through text I had an instant connection. We had to text because he was stationed in Maryland and I was still living in good 'ol Virginia. We talked about him being in the Coast Guard. And how surprised I was that he even owned a cell phone and knew what texting was! haha! Hey! If you knew their family growing up, you'd know EXACTLY why I'd be so surprised. LOL Anyways, he was definitely someone who was more sensitive than I was. I tend to be more hard (never crying) and have a "just deal with it" attitude. He was definitely more sensitive and had a very caring type friendship with me. Of course it didn't take very long for me to fall in love with that and appreciate how much he was always there for me even though he lived in a different state. And that's how it all began. Him being there for me (even from far away) and just caring in a way no other guy and hardly any friend had. I had a best friend who knew and understood me like no one else...but she's about the only one. LOL Anyways, so that's where it all started.


Since being married (4 years this June) he and have been through a few things. I'd say we have it pretty good because so far we've had nothing extreme to deal with. But since marriage we've had 2 boys. Our first year of marriage I got pregnant right away and we had some ups and downs with that....in regards to our marriage. I was NOT the same person during pregnancy #1. My hormones were sent on a crazy roller coaster ride, meanwhile EVERYTHING on my body was changing. We both shared such excitement over the pregnancy and joy of starting a family but I will admit I started stupid arguments frequently for no good reason besides my hormone's were making me crazy. haha! He took it like a champ! He also spoils the heck out of me! I've never been spoiled. I mean, sure I got treats...but no one's ever cared/treated me like I was THE most important person in the world. It's done wonders for my self-esteem. My self-esteem isn't where he'd like it to be but it's grown in leaps since 4-5 years ago when we first got together. And that's because he's always so sweet to me. If he could, he'd give me any little thing I wanted. Of course money is always an issue....but besides "things" he feeds my soul emotionally and spiritually. Which is really the more important things in life.


In regards to his children, this man always goes above and beyond. He got up just as much as I did when we had newborns. Not as much when I was nursing but he was always awake and ready to help if I needed anything. I appreciate his equal participation in raising/caring for our children. We both wanted a family and my stance on the whole father role is that because they equally participated in making the baby they can equally participate in helping raise/care for the child. Thankfully I don't even have to tell Theo this. I mean we talked about it before we got married but he's on his own gone above and beyond. Of course he doesn't exactly "equally" care for the children. Because I am home with them all day every day. But he does more than his fair share when he's away working and providing for his family. He absolutely HATES his job. And yes, I hear constant complaints about it etc.....but he still does it because he knows he has a family he needs to financially provide for. He always seems to make wise decisions concerning his job. For example....he is in law enforcement in the Coast Guard. In Detroit, Michigan! Dangerous area. So his life is on the line quite frequently. But he always thinks about his family and making wise decisions to protect himself because he knows that he doesn't want to leave his family without husband/father. Like I just found out the other day, when they do ice rescue training, they're not required to wear their bullet proof vests. Apparently he chooses to wear them because he knows there area they are at is a dangerous area and he doesn't want to risk his life if someone decides to drive by and shoot at them. That made me so happy to hear. I didn't know that but it makes me so proud to know that he makes these decisions for his family! He doesn't hesitate to change a diaper. Poopy or wet. He doesn't hesitate to get up at night when one of the kids has a nightmare or is just crying. He is a crazy great father.


I know I've already talked about how great of a husband he is, but I feel the need to emphasize that despite hating his job and staying busy being a father (cause we have little one's and there's hardly EVER any free time) he ALWAYS makes time for me. It amazes me because he WANTS to spend time and be there for me. It's not like he's doing it because it's his duty. He needs me as much as I need him and that in and of itself is amazing to me. Having someone who loves me as much as I love them.

God gets all the glory for this. And how awesome my husband is! Of course he's not perfect and there are areas in which he could improve....but that's all of us. Because we're all human and we all have sin. But I wouldn't trade a single minute I've had him in my life. I wouldn't want anyone else. He is so loving and I hope I never have to be without him.

Thanks for all you do babe! Sorry I just now realized I don't praise you enough! Love you!

Three and Counting........

Well today's the big day for Collin! He is transitioning from a crib to a toddler bed. I was very reluctant to switch him, however, he was DESTROYING my crib. He'd pulled plastic off (don't ask me how cause I have NO clue, I couldn't do it if I tried), both the boys will go under it and push up the grate which in turn scratched my crib up. It was just starting to take too much wear. So in preservation for the hopeful arrival of the next child, I had to make the leap. I say "I" because it's really me. He honestly will be fine. Although right now we're at 3x's and counting. That's THREE times of me getting up to spank him because he's gotten out of his bed. I knew that was going to happen. (Make that 4 times...just had to get up again)He's a wild child which is why I've kept him "caged" for so long. But lemme tell you, he's taking this better than I am. While I was taking down the crib I was near bawling my eyes out. It was ridiculous. Why? Because I've never had to take down my crib without knowing it would go right back up. We took it down for our move from Maryland to Michigan. I knew it'd be going right back up in preparation for Collin's arrival. Now?! It's just going down to the basement. I'm not pregnant, I'm not sure when I will be again and it just makes me so sad that MY baby is growing up. I know (at least hopefully) it'll go back up eventually....but I'm not ready to be done having babies and it just makes me so sad. So, things have seemed to quiet down. Maybe it will only take 4 times?! Psht! Yeah right! I'm sure even if this is it for tonight it'll probably start again tomorrow. LOL So, here are some pictures. But I just had to do a quick blog and record this. Because this is by far a milestone for Collin Henry! :)

Better Late Than Never......

So I'd been meaning to write this in my blog so I wouldn't forget it. Here it is almost Valentine's Day and this happened on Christmas day! hahaha! Oh well!


So it was Christmas morning. Isaiah was playing on the new scooter he got. I wish we could remember what Theo said to him. Neither of us could remember directly after Isaiah's response. But anyways, Theo told Isaiah something to do. Isaiah turned right around, looked Theo straight and the eye and said "First of all! Don't speak to me like that!" OH.MY.GOODNESS.....WHAT?!?!?! I spent my time trying to hold in the huge fit of laughter. Theo on the other hand jumped right up and disciplined Isaiah. The thing that makes it so funny is that quite frequently I say to Isaiah "First of all! You don't speak to me like that!" and then I'll continue with the second of all. So he was directly quoting me! Which made it SOOOOO funny! My Mom joked saying "He didn't even get to make it to the second of all!" hahaha! Oh man....it was SUCH a good laugh, and I'd been meaning to blog it so I can remember it forever. So now I finally have. Good times! Kids are parrots man! Watch what you say! :)