The Big 4!!!!!!

So as usual, I'm behind on this blog post! He turned 4 on March 27th and today is May 21st. Almost 2 months late! But I have to say, I think its an improvement! Hahaha! Hey, I'm a busy mom of two...who has time to blog?! Ha! So here we go!


Isaiah's FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Birthday: March 27th
Age: 4
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Food: Pizza
Favorite Drink: Milk
Best Friend: Alexander Hercula
Favorite Parent: Still 99.9% Daddy's boy
Weight: 54lbs Holding strong at 98th percentile
Height: Is it okay if I say I can't remember? haha! Still in 98th percintle for height too
Favorite Thing To Do: Watch tv Favorite Show: Scooby-Doo or anything violent like Batman (which he doesn't get to watch often because he reenacts Batman's moves on his brother.)
Recent Obsession: Anything robotic
Potty Trained: We're working on a sticker chart but it would appear he's day AND night time trained officially! Hooray for Mom and Dad's budget!


Isaiah has such a personality like his Momma! Strong, observant, loves laughing, total people person, independant and always trys to help. Even if it's not helpful, you can definitely tell he's thinking ahead and trying to be helpful! He loves following right behind his Daddy and doing what he does! Always eager to learn! Forgot to mention he lost is first tooth! It had to be pulled due to an abscess from when he hit his tooth on the coffee table when he was one. But he's an adorable toothless boy! I can't believe our first born is 4!

Shopping with Children

MY GOODNESS! So! With the craziness of the past two weeks our food supply has pretty much gone down to zero. So I figured since this is Theo's long week of work (meaning he's only off Wed/Thur) I had to do it myself. So....I take Collin to go get his xray. Done! In and out in an impressive/painless 15 minutes! I'm feeling GOOD! Move on to shopping at Aldi. Yes! We shop at Aldi. I know it's not a name brand store, but it's within our budget and what we can afford. We cannot buy everything from there but we get most of our stuff from there. Being that we were down to zero I got two carts. Collin in 1 and Isaiah in the other. Anyone who's ever had little one's (especially two boys) close together can probably guess how I was doing in the store. Struggling to steer/drive both carts, trying to keep the boys in order, trying to get everything I need...etc. I'm working up a good sweat by the 2nd isle. Anywho! I'm in the last isle. In the freezer section. Isaiah starts laughing and talking pretty loudly about butts. I politely remind him that it's not appropriate to speak like that. Meanwhile Collin is reaching for something he's not supposed to and I tell him to keep to himself. His response was "I did!" and I firmly quietly remind him that his answer should only be "Yes Momma!" A lady with sunglasses stops and says "Bravo! The way you are speaking to your children is unbelievable." Because I couldn't see her eyes I was confused for a minute....she continued on about how she really was impressed with how I was handling everything and how well I spoke to my boys. How I actually bothered to correct them. I was completely flattered. I worry all the time about keeping them under control, getting what I need to get done and keeping my emotions in check. Cause lets face it, shopping with toddlers is emotional. Haha! Anyways, I thanked her. And she thanked me for raising children who are so well behaved. So by this point Isaiah is out of the cart and I now have two pretty full carts. I let a few people in line in front of me because I knew I had a crap ton of stuff. I start loading my stuff from the first cart onto the belt. Isaiah is behind with the 2nd cart. A lady comes up and asks in a really rude way "Is this yours too?!?!" I replied that it was. She rolled her eyes at me. Seriously?! Meanwhile I'm in a full on sweat trying to unload all of this stuff, keep the boys in line and make sure I have my purse. Just in case anyone knows...Aldi doesn't bag your stuff for you...it's all piled into the cart and then you can bag it yourself. So, I finally make it to the next cart. Unload that. The lady behind me is giving me quite an attitude. Mind you she didn't come up until AFTER I had already started checking out. Too late to let her in front of me. Get through the check-out process. At some point another register had opened and multiple people had checked out. As I'm trying to wheel to heavy full carts out to the parking lot....through a tight space because someone didn't put their carts up against the counter etc....a lady rudely says "You do a whole months shopping?!" Uhm...so what if I do?! It really aggravated me. Instead of saying...here, let me move my cart out of your way or GO MOM she chooses to criticize with her tone. Seriously?! I wheel, with quite difficulty, out to the car. Isaiah gets in and I make Collin stay in the cart since it's warm out. Here's where I'd like to take a quick break and say...I LOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!! It has underneath storage. I used that space to put all the chips/bread/eggs all the breakables that always seem to get squished, in! It was AMAZING! But anyways, then I had to proceed to put all the stuff in my reusable shopping bags. So I eventually move Collin to his seat and continue bagging everything and putting it in the trunk. I notice the same lady who rolled her eyes at me earlier, walk by with a scoff. And a few other people walked by like "Why in the world does she have 2 carts?!" After I'm in the car heading toward Meijer to get the food Collin can eat, I start thinking about the small looks and comments. Why was I judged for doing my shopping at Aldi? Why was I being judged for shopping for a month. Instead of offering a helping hand, I got so many nasty looks...as if I shouldn't buy as much as I was buying. How did they know I didn't have more children at home? How did they know it was maybe only 1-2 weeks worth of food for my family? Why would they make that judgement? Why can't a busy mom go into the grocery story and buy what she needs and that be that? It opened my eyes a bit. Because even though I've never been upset over how much a person buys, I've made judgements on people shopping and what they're buying. I don't know their circumstance. I'm always more compassionate for other Mom's out there. I always make an effort to open a door or let them know their kid dropped their binky. Today, with all the exhaustion/frustration/work I could've used someone to say "Hey! While you're unloading that cart, I'll help unload this one!" Or talked to my boys like they were human beings and not a nuisance. I'm SO very glad that one lady was nice enough to compliment me, because had she not...I probably would've ended up crying. I had to do all of that then come home and unload and put all of it away. People, let us remember that we don't know everyone's circumstances. Some of us don't have husband's who are home every evening and weekend to help out. Some of us are single parents (I don't know HOW y'all do it!). There's so many different circumstances.......something as simple as the grocery store...shouldn't be a judgment zone. haha Anyways, that's my rant. This started as a Facebook status and got too long so now it's a blog post. Grocery shopping with two boys (young in age and 17mo apart) is not a bucket full of cherries my friend. Lend a helping hand to the next struggling Mom you come across! :-)

Hair, Hair, Hair

So I can't remember if I've said much on this subject or not. And what does it matter? It's my blog. haha It's late at night, I can't sleep, so I was watching Parenthood. I'm totally hooked on this show. Christina, one of the characters, got breast cancer. Which of course hit pretty close to home for me. I'm grateful I didn't have that kind. But, the struggle, the emotions just become so raw again whenever I watching or hear of someone going through it. I was so incredibly blessed because I didn't have a painful cancer and I didn't get very sick from chemo. But it was still a huge struggle in my life. Anyways, one of the episodes, Christina shaves her head. Woah! I did NOT expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotion. I mean, this is March and I had to do that back in September/October. Barely 6 months ago. I have hair now. I wasn't completely bald for a long time. But the raw emotion of being stripped of your womanhood. Not because you want to. Not because you'll think you'll look good.....because you HAVE to. So many people have said "Oh you look good!" or "you're rocking that bald head" etc. To be honest...it doesn't make you feel more a woman because someone says so. I had worked so hard to grow my hair out. To have it long. Then I had to shave it. There was no security on my head. No covering. When I was busy being insecure about about my body (all my new scars, bruises etc) I didn't have anything to take away from that. In fact, a bald head draws attention. I had forgotten about all the stares I'd get when we were out. The pitying look. Not that I'm mad at those people...but it makes you feel so open and exposed. In the next episode, Christina bought a wig and had a special night out with her hubby. I don't feel like going into my personal details on the matter. But, I just could so relate and it was strange to me how raw it all still felt. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I was just remembering the pain and emotions of not having hair....and it's indescribable. And I'm pretty sure it's something I will never forget. Ever.

Mind Blown....

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. That is mostly because our computer was completely shot for at least 2 months. I think it was longer than that. And I simply cannot blog on my phone. Never going to happen. So it's been awhile but today I felt was a perfect time to start back up.


So, today I decided to finally focus on me. It's been a couple of weeks since I've exercised or really done anything for "me". I think this winter is really getting to me. It's hard to stay motivated and focused when you don't have a vehicle, you're stuck at home all the time with two little ones and there's hardly ever any sun out. I can really feel a drastic mood change when a little bit of sun peeks through the clouds. I mean its rare...but I need some sun to stay motivated. Anyways, I finally had enough energy these past two days to feel up to doing anything at all! Which is pretty big. So I decided to start my "me time" with some good 'ol soul fixing Bible time. I'm not even going to sit her and lie. Pretend like I study my Bible on a consistent basis.I don't. Ever since I had kids it's so fallin so far below my list of priorities. It's sad. And I'm ashamed to admit it. But I also know I can't move forward or be better if I can't admit that to myself. So here I am, saying I SUCK at sticking with Bible studying. But I have recently realized that I can't be a better Hannah, unless I'm staying strong in my scriptures. So here's to a better Hannah! :)


So a dear friend sent me these little booklets called "Tabletalk" We had been discussing how it would help my growth more to get started in something. We talked about how it would be easier to start off with kind of a guide to spark some interest in studying something. So she sent me quite a few options! Today I started into the "Anxiety" one. I haven't really been struggling with Anxiety, so much as stress and worry. (which is basically the same thing) So, I began reading. The first article was titled "Thinking Biblically about Worry" Right up my alley! Within the first few words I was hooked. I pulled out my Bible and started reading the scriptural references. I just couldn't get enough! Then after I finished reading the article, I found myself automatically bowing my head as tears streamed down my face. It was just so moving, encouraging, helpful, insightful...I basically was just overcome with emotions. I posted a quote from this article on my Facebook. This is what I posted. "Things that were not designed to give us peace and over which we have no control become our replacement messiahs. We ask them to do for us what only God is able to do. You see, here is what happens: important things ( like family, work, housing, money, etc.) become all too important to us because they become the places we look to for rest. When they do, they not only do not give us rest, they become the reason for the endless cycles of worry, anxiety, and fear that, frankly are in the daily lives of too many believers. Your job is important, but it must not be the source of your identity, and when it is, it becomes the cause of endless anxiety. Your marriage or friendships are important but they must not be the place you look for inner peace."-Dr Paul David Tripp WOW!!! Just plain and simple...Wow! I have always been one to love my friends with wide open arms. All of my friends know that I am there for them above and beyond. So when I read this I realized how much hurt I've also experienced in friendships. How often I have stress and worry over friendships. Could it be, that I've stored up WAY too much treasure in my friendships? Or relationships in general? I'm very much a people pleaser. I love to see people happy. Maybe that's this area of my life has always been more dramatic than other areas. Just...wow! I started reflecting back to last year. The ups, the downs, the highs and lows. So many people made so many comments about how positive I was through my struggles. How much they've learned from me and been inspired by me. It was good to hear. Of course! Who doesn't like hearing how awesome they are? haha But it hit me today after reading this...but God is my EVERYTHING! The reason I had peace through such turmoil is because I knew...living or dead....God was my all! I spent a lot of times just throwing my burdens at HIS feet! Realizing that I can't handle my worry. Realizing that my worry and stress could have peace. I know God's strength. I know it now more than I ever did! He does miracles! MIRACLES! Just take a second to think about that. Miracles. Things that can't be explained. Things that shouldn't be....are. How crazy strong is God? Often times people always say "I don't know how you do it!" We are a one income family. We have one shared vehicle. I homeschool my boys. (not full time mind you...)I'm a stay at home Mom. I recovered from cancer. I don't know if I'll ever have a baby. People often make that statement when they hear me speak of these things. And yet, I don't feel worried or bothered by them. Well, the baby thing has definitely been a struggle...but I've grown SO much in just a couple of months. Anyways, my point is, I have my faith. I cling to it! I am NOT defined by my circumstances. I am defined by Christ. I am here for HIM. For HIS glory! And even though sometimes I don't know what that means....I have complete peace that HE is with me and HE will show me the path I'm destined to be on. Just thinking about it all is moving me to tears (again) and I just have a very warm feeling all over. Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name? You are magnificent God! I love you! And I'm grateful, thankful and blessed to be one of YOURS! Thank you for limiting my anxiety, worry, stress. Thank you for always doing what really is best for me even though I don't know it! Thank you!


Who Am I? by Casting Crowns




Matthew 6 & Pslam Chapter 3 and 4

A New Parenting Style

So, I can't exactly remember what day this happened, but it was close to New Years Day, if not day of. Anyways, someone (don't remember who) posted an article that stated something about parenting and yelling. At the moment, I didn't have time to read the article. But the title hit really close to home. It so close to my heart, that my first reaction without reading the article, was anger. "Who would scold parents about yelling?! They probably don't have two BOYS less than two years apart." etc etc. Then I stopped for a second and realized "Wait a second! Why am I so angry?" Turns out this Momma had been having some parenting issues herself. A couple of days before I realized that my neighbors must hear me yelling sometimes. Of course it doesn't help that I'm a loud person naturally. Some of this realization came from Theo and I FREQUENTLY hearing our next door neighbor screaming! I mean, she will barely get in the door and you can hear how loud she is! The other night we heard her whole phone conversation, curse words and all! Anyways, I realized how frequently I'm yelling at the boys. I don't necessarily yell angrily. I think that's part of the reason I justified that it was okay to do! Plus they're so rowdy and loud themselves, of course I have to yell to be heard. But it finally hit me that all yelling did was leave me with a sore throat and a bad feeling. So I did some praying about it. Thought about how I must sound to an outsider. How I must sound to my children who are so much smaller than me. My oldest can be quite the bully sometimes. Maybe he was getting it from me? By yelling and screaming, am I any better than a bully? Yes, I believe in discipline. I believe in more harsh discipline than most of my friends. I believe that I need to start it young so it's instilled in them by the age of 5, what's right/wrong etc. I pride myself in working hard to teach them and by teaching, disciplining. I don't beat or abuse my children. I may do somethings that people may judge, harsh. But I fully believe in being strict on children from a young age. But does this mean I need to scream? Perhaps, the reason my children scream and are so loud, is because they see my example. Goodness knows they pick up all my bad habits/traits. haha So after reflecting on this awhile, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to yell anymore. Raise my voice only if imminent danger was involved. I'm happy to announce that it's been a week and I've noticed a DRASTIC improvement in my children, me and my household. I'm no longer as stressed. I'm much more focused in my attempts at disciplining. For example I'm not just yelling at them for something wrong. I'm thinking about what I say, how I say it, and making a concentrated effort to speak in a much more quiet calm tone. Before? I would be yelling their names and no one would listen. Now? I quietly, even toned call their names and guess what?! They can hear me all the way in the back of the house! Amazing! They come right away! I noticed when they're crying because they're about to get a spanking, if I get down at eye level, speak calmly, they focus better and pay more attention to what I'm saying. I'm ashamed to admit that my oldest is only 3 (going on 4) and I've become a yelling mother. Is that all it took?! Three years!!!! To have me a stressed out yelling maniac?!?! And bonus! I don't have to worry about people giving me nasty looks in the store any more. (used to happen alllll the time)I simply lower my voice, make eye contact, and most times, I don't even have to say a word. They know what they're doing and they straighten it up! It's shameful to admit this. But I'm sharing open and honestly, like I do with my life. Because goodness knows I've been encouraged by other people's journeys. So I only pray that I do the same for others! I'm just so very happy that our lives have changed for the better. I also realized that this year is for me. It sounds selfish to say. But "Me" needs so much work. "Me" has been neglected in the chaos of getting married, becoming a wife, having children, fighting for my life....I've just gotten lost. Since it's not really healthy to have another baby any time soon.....I'm going to focus on being a better mother and wife. I'm going to focus on my physical health and my spiritual health. The saying "If Momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy." is real! haha! I truly think it's because the Mom pretty much does all the raising of the children, and taking care of the house. She's so involved in her home/work life that if she doesn't take care of herself....her job will fall to pieces. So I'm very happy that we ALL seem to be much happier. I'm not stressed out from yelling constantly and not having them listen. I'm not trying to make this sound like it's easy either. It most certainly is NOT. It takes concentrated effort. And for me, changing a part of who I am (being loud) is hard. But it's so very much worth it so have a happy healthier home! Here's to 2014!!!! May I keep this up!

Encouraging Others

After having a few different conversations today with different people I decided I wanted to blog! I'm so glad our computer is temporarily working so that I'm able to do this.


So, basically I am disappointed by the discouragement I hear/witness people giving to others. Mainly mothers. I see a lot of other mothers being judgmental or discouraging to other mothers. It's disappointing to see. Why do some people feel the need to press upon others their beliefs. It's different to state what you think is right. But are you doing it in an encouraging, loving manor? Or are you attacking them? How would they perceive that? Not all people receive things the same. Obviously God made us all different. That means you can respond to someone the same as another person. We each have our own individual needs. When you approach someone are you considering how they might need to hear things? Are you even considering that they may not even need to hear it?! It's possible! I've heard stories and even had other mothers say things that need not be said! Just because you as a parent deem something right and a must, doesn't mean someone else does! We all have different goals for our children. Not to mention we all have different children and we as mother's know them best. Why aren't other mom's more encouraging. Why are there so many Facebook posts and blogs basically telling a parent what they should and shouldn't do?! You never know where a person might be. For example, when I had Collin, I was in a new place. We had just moved to Michigan. I had a 17mo boy who would hardly sit still. My husband also worked a ton and was hardly ever home. I was suffering with postpartum depression only I hadn't identified it quite yet. It was near impossible for me to nurse Collin. It was THE hardest decision I've ever made to stop nursing Collin. I had someone tell me that I should suck it up and keep going because nursing wasn't easy. This person had never been in my situation. Had NO idea my personal struggles and made a judgment that did not need to be said. Made me feel like the worst Mother in the world because I made the decision to stop nursing. Thankfully, on the flip side, I had a few encouraging Mother's who encouraged me to do what was best for me AND my baby! Smart! It was one of the best parenting advice I've ever heard. It gave me the strength to hold my head high and do what I needed to do! With not the greatest confidence....but I still did it. And looking back, I would've made the same decision. All that was to say, why would another mother say something so harsh and negative knowing how hard motherhood can be?! Why?! Knowing I had special circumstances. Why not encourage me? So basically, I wanted to write this post to encourage us, as mothers, as wives, as people in general, why not take a step back and realize you may not know everything. What you may think is right, might not be the answer for everyone. Why not take a second to think about what is best to say. Evaluate whether it's wise and whether it will actually help this person out. I am a Christian woman and I've just been convicted lately, to not speak so quickly. To have compassion for a situation I might not understand. To respect another human being. So let us all be encouraged to be careful what we say. Let's all think about how someone might receive something. I just thought I'd blog this cause it was on my heart today! :-)

Reflection

Today I was really reflecting and thinking of all the wonderful gifts God's given me. This summer was NUTS! Beyond anything I ever imagined happening in my life. To be honest, to this day, it feels like a dream. But I was down, really low this summer. I couldn't care for my children. I could barely text on my phone. I was literally dying. Living life felt like a chore. And I'm not trying to be dramatic, but it seriously (at times) felt like such a chore to just breath! My whole life all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother. When it finally all happened for me, I thought I'd have no troubles. I did things the way I see the Bible tells me to. I did it all "right" . I stayed focused and dedicated. I had two healthy (well....we won't count Collin's food allergies...hahaha) baby boys. I had an amazing husband who supported me through everything. I had everything I've ever wanted. Life was easy! Yet, I was ungrateful. I saw other people planning their lives and I thought "Hey! If they can plan having a baby, plan vacations, plan their lives, so can I." I planned to get pregnant at the end of May even though Theo wasn't exactly on board with it. I thought since everyone else was doing it, I could too! Then I got Leukemia. WHAT?!?!?! I mean, I was literally bleeding out. And it still took a friend refusing to do anything but take me to the hospital. Lauren Rupert literally saved my life! So fyi: Thanks Lauren! I wouldn't be here today without your help! :-) Anyways, it all happened so fast. I was so sick that like I said, living life was hard to do. So the first 2 weeks were a surreal blur. Theo stayed strong. Was by my side in addition to taking care of the boys, trying to figure out work issues....that man....stronger than I ever imagined he could be. Not that I didn't think he was strong, but he just showed and proved how loyal and strong he was. So when I started feeling good enough to get on Facebook or text, throughout all this, I struggled. Not with having Leukemia. That was beatable, and the odds were "ever in my favor" (Hahaha Catch that Hunger Games fans?!) So I was never worried/stressed about my Leukemia battle. What kept hitting my heart was that I may never have children again. What struck my heart was that I couldn't care for my children. While I was struggling through life, my children were calling my Mother "Mom", they were seeing Theo more than they were seeing me. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? I did everything God told me (or so I thought) and I felt I was almost being punished. It also kept popping in my mind that it seemed everyone around me was planning their life and getting what they want, but I was getting cancer. It occurred to me that this was obviously something I never planned. When I finally became married, got to be in charge of my own household (of course with Theo being the leader), got to raise my two beautiful children....I thought nothing would ever change that. I thought because I did things God's way, I would be rewarded. Well, my version of rewards was NOT getting cancer. lol So eventually, I've processed all this. It all still feels like a dream. But I've gained new prospective. First of all, God did NOT have to let me live. My life is a gift. HE deemed it good for me to stick around...and in that, I am grateful! Also, just because I got cancer doesn't mean HE doesn't love me. Or that he was punishing me. All it means is that HE knew I was strong enough to go through it. HE wanted me in that situation to be a light for HIM. He also wanted to show me that even though I got all I ever wanted, it's a gift he chose to give me! HE gave it to me!!! He didn't have to! Not everyone has what I have! It's a blessing. I think I took it all for granted. I thought because I got what I wanted and in my eyes did what HE wanted me to, that VIOLA! I could do what I wanted! Wrong! My life is not my own. I am God's! Not mine! I don't deserve anything. He's blessed me with what I have. I've learned to appreciate having my own home on a whole new level. I've appreciated having energy to even get up in the mornings. That's definitely something I took for granted. When I had postpartum depression after Collin it was VERY hard to even open my eyes in the morning. And this summer, I experienced it again on a new level. I was literally dying and it was hard. I couldn't care for my children. The children God gave me. They were being raised by someone else. Not that I'm ungrateful for that. Cause I am MOST certainly grateful my parents stepped up and even though it was rough, took care of my children. Especially my Mom! (My Dad worked a lot) She really tried hard to raise my children how I would raise them! So I am completely grateful for that. But it was still hard to know I gave birth to two children and I wasn't the one raising them! I wasn't the one teaching them everything they were learning. I wasn't able to be there for my husband. I mean, I could a bit...but I could not cater to all his needs. In fact, I couldn't hardly take care of myself! The other day, when I was doing laundry it gave me such joy! That's never happened before. Laundry is THE worst chore in my opinion! (yes, Carissa....I know! It's your favorite! lol) But the other day I found myself being grateful that I could go down the basement stairs, start laundry, bring a basket of it UP the stairs, fold and hang all the clean clothes....I mean...this summer...that wasn't even close to a possibility for me. Taking care of my household and homeschooling my children has allowed me to have a whole new gratefulness for life. For the life God's given me. For the fact that I can even do these things. It's so easy to take for granted everything in life. For example...my legs. What about people who are in a wheelchair for their life?! They don't even get to have the possibility of walking. Do I still struggle with things? Yes. Mainly having a baby. I want another one so bad. And having people say "Be glad you have two beautiful children already." or "It wasn't God's plan." still stings. But I'm happy to say that through MUCH prayer, it's slowly becoming easier. It's easier to be happy for other people. Not necessarily that I'm ready to know everything about someone's pregnancy, but I'm getting there. Some people I still had to hide in my Facebook news feed, so that I don't cause hurt to my heart when logging onto Facebook. But it could all be so much worse. I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. I don't know what plans God has. I hope for the best. I use Hannah in the Bible as strength to remind myself that God has a plan! And he KNOWS my heart. Life may not bring me what I think I need/want, but HE's in control and knows what's best for me. So for now, I am beyond grateful for being exhausted by a days work in my household. I take joy in the fact that doing good for my family is doable! I celebrate in doing laundry and cleaning my toilets! Thank you God! You have blessed me richly and for that I am grateful!