Reflection

Today I was really reflecting and thinking of all the wonderful gifts God's given me. This summer was NUTS! Beyond anything I ever imagined happening in my life. To be honest, to this day, it feels like a dream. But I was down, really low this summer. I couldn't care for my children. I could barely text on my phone. I was literally dying. Living life felt like a chore. And I'm not trying to be dramatic, but it seriously (at times) felt like such a chore to just breath! My whole life all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother. When it finally all happened for me, I thought I'd have no troubles. I did things the way I see the Bible tells me to. I did it all "right" . I stayed focused and dedicated. I had two healthy (well....we won't count Collin's food allergies...hahaha) baby boys. I had an amazing husband who supported me through everything. I had everything I've ever wanted. Life was easy! Yet, I was ungrateful. I saw other people planning their lives and I thought "Hey! If they can plan having a baby, plan vacations, plan their lives, so can I." I planned to get pregnant at the end of May even though Theo wasn't exactly on board with it. I thought since everyone else was doing it, I could too! Then I got Leukemia. WHAT?!?!?! I mean, I was literally bleeding out. And it still took a friend refusing to do anything but take me to the hospital. Lauren Rupert literally saved my life! So fyi: Thanks Lauren! I wouldn't be here today without your help! :-) Anyways, it all happened so fast. I was so sick that like I said, living life was hard to do. So the first 2 weeks were a surreal blur. Theo stayed strong. Was by my side in addition to taking care of the boys, trying to figure out work issues....that man....stronger than I ever imagined he could be. Not that I didn't think he was strong, but he just showed and proved how loyal and strong he was. So when I started feeling good enough to get on Facebook or text, throughout all this, I struggled. Not with having Leukemia. That was beatable, and the odds were "ever in my favor" (Hahaha Catch that Hunger Games fans?!) So I was never worried/stressed about my Leukemia battle. What kept hitting my heart was that I may never have children again. What struck my heart was that I couldn't care for my children. While I was struggling through life, my children were calling my Mother "Mom", they were seeing Theo more than they were seeing me. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? I did everything God told me (or so I thought) and I felt I was almost being punished. It also kept popping in my mind that it seemed everyone around me was planning their life and getting what they want, but I was getting cancer. It occurred to me that this was obviously something I never planned. When I finally became married, got to be in charge of my own household (of course with Theo being the leader), got to raise my two beautiful children....I thought nothing would ever change that. I thought because I did things God's way, I would be rewarded. Well, my version of rewards was NOT getting cancer. lol So eventually, I've processed all this. It all still feels like a dream. But I've gained new prospective. First of all, God did NOT have to let me live. My life is a gift. HE deemed it good for me to stick around...and in that, I am grateful! Also, just because I got cancer doesn't mean HE doesn't love me. Or that he was punishing me. All it means is that HE knew I was strong enough to go through it. HE wanted me in that situation to be a light for HIM. He also wanted to show me that even though I got all I ever wanted, it's a gift he chose to give me! HE gave it to me!!! He didn't have to! Not everyone has what I have! It's a blessing. I think I took it all for granted. I thought because I got what I wanted and in my eyes did what HE wanted me to, that VIOLA! I could do what I wanted! Wrong! My life is not my own. I am God's! Not mine! I don't deserve anything. He's blessed me with what I have. I've learned to appreciate having my own home on a whole new level. I've appreciated having energy to even get up in the mornings. That's definitely something I took for granted. When I had postpartum depression after Collin it was VERY hard to even open my eyes in the morning. And this summer, I experienced it again on a new level. I was literally dying and it was hard. I couldn't care for my children. The children God gave me. They were being raised by someone else. Not that I'm ungrateful for that. Cause I am MOST certainly grateful my parents stepped up and even though it was rough, took care of my children. Especially my Mom! (My Dad worked a lot) She really tried hard to raise my children how I would raise them! So I am completely grateful for that. But it was still hard to know I gave birth to two children and I wasn't the one raising them! I wasn't the one teaching them everything they were learning. I wasn't able to be there for my husband. I mean, I could a bit...but I could not cater to all his needs. In fact, I couldn't hardly take care of myself! The other day, when I was doing laundry it gave me such joy! That's never happened before. Laundry is THE worst chore in my opinion! (yes, Carissa....I know! It's your favorite! lol) But the other day I found myself being grateful that I could go down the basement stairs, start laundry, bring a basket of it UP the stairs, fold and hang all the clean clothes....I mean...this summer...that wasn't even close to a possibility for me. Taking care of my household and homeschooling my children has allowed me to have a whole new gratefulness for life. For the life God's given me. For the fact that I can even do these things. It's so easy to take for granted everything in life. For example...my legs. What about people who are in a wheelchair for their life?! They don't even get to have the possibility of walking. Do I still struggle with things? Yes. Mainly having a baby. I want another one so bad. And having people say "Be glad you have two beautiful children already." or "It wasn't God's plan." still stings. But I'm happy to say that through MUCH prayer, it's slowly becoming easier. It's easier to be happy for other people. Not necessarily that I'm ready to know everything about someone's pregnancy, but I'm getting there. Some people I still had to hide in my Facebook news feed, so that I don't cause hurt to my heart when logging onto Facebook. But it could all be so much worse. I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. I don't know what plans God has. I hope for the best. I use Hannah in the Bible as strength to remind myself that God has a plan! And he KNOWS my heart. Life may not bring me what I think I need/want, but HE's in control and knows what's best for me. So for now, I am beyond grateful for being exhausted by a days work in my household. I take joy in the fact that doing good for my family is doable! I celebrate in doing laundry and cleaning my toilets! Thank you God! You have blessed me richly and for that I am grateful!